How's it going? Learning to love yourself and trust yourself is difficult. I hate myself most of the time but not as much as I used to and in fact there are times when I nod in the mirror now and almost say "hey you're OK". You have to be kind to yourself. Life is tough and sometimes just getting to the end of each day is enough and you shouldn't be tough on yourself just because you don't achieve much or because you've upset people with your negativity.
Practical steps to make you feel better ... trust me. These work. I was close to killing myself a year ago but I'm not there now but the toughest part of this is you need to do the work. Others can listen and be understanding but one of the hardest parts of feeling like this is the fact that to feel better you need to work.
OK ... practical steps.
1) Exercise - it's critical. It releases chemicals that make you feel good even if you actually feel sad and miserable. Your body is driven by chemicals and it's as simple as that. Negative feelings and emotions damage you and put you into a spiral of always feeling bad .... but doing something positive like excercising releases the chemicals that simply make you feel good!! Do it! Please. I get up every morning at 6:30am and go on a bike for 30 mins. I hate it!!! I'm tired and I want to stay in bed but once I've finished and I've showered I feel a bit better. Do this for a few days and you notice a difference that seems to stay all day.
2) Eat well and stay the hell away from alcohol. I sometimes drink one single beer at lunchtime but 6pm I feel hugely depressed. Alcohol feels like a friend when you're depressed and I turn to it a lot but I also know that it makes me worse in the long run. Drink lots of water, eat fruit and veg as much as possible.
3) Get outside. Go to the beach even if it's raining. Walk in the woods. You need to get perspective and look at a view. Seeing the horizon makes you feel connected to a world that can be wonderful. There's loads of us out here that are just like you and seeing that bigger world around you can remind you that your part of an amazing planet with amazing people like you in it.
Also when you're outside, get dirty! Play in the sand, dig in the mud. Cut the grass if you have a lawn or dig over flower buds. Once again there are chemicals in soil, grass and everywhere that hit our brains and make us feel good.
4) Switch off. Get mindful. Seriously get mindful. Colouring books are great. You need to switch your brain off and escape. You will feel better for it. I've even just bought a tin of paint and repainted a wall in my house to escape my brain. Doing something mundane and repetitive like colouring, painting, exercising will focus your brain on the task and not on how terrible you feel. Doing things like reading or watching TV are tough if you feel down as your mind wanders back to your negative feelings all the time. Do something like draw, paint, build lego. Something easy but that demands you to focus on it. If you do this regularly it will help.
Sorry to go on. There's loads more I could say but I've probably banged on too much.
Ultimately you need to work to help yourself but you can do it. You're an amazing person just for living through each day when you feel so low. You should be proud that you are fighting through this even if it feels like you're not winning. You are winning! You're here and you're asking for help ... that means you are amazing and you're tough and you've made some great decisions so far.
All the love in the world to you xxx