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Just as depressed as last time

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lou040901
Posts: 52
Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2017 12:25 am

Just as depressed as last time

Postby lou040901 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:02 pm

Hey,

Remember me? I highly doubt it. Don't worry, I don't expect any of you to remember me and my problems. I know I really don't matter and I'm extremely insignificant. I'm going to try waste as little as your time as possible.

Over the time I haven't posted anything here I got a boyfriend which is great but it doesn't fix my depression a boyfriend is a magic wond that can fix all your problems.

My parents are getting divorced and I've had to move because of it. They decided to divorce a few weeks after my last counselling session which is always fun. Also the first "for sale" sign went up on my birthday which is 10 out of 10 fun.

I've started to give less and less fucks about my life and if someone came into my house and said they were going to kill me I wouldn't fight them I'd let them. Suicide is the way I want to die. I die on my terms no body else's.

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Just as depressed as last time

Postby amaya » Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:57 pm

Hey you aren't wasting our time. Welcome back. I joined since you were last here... so I have no idea what the issues were last time.

It sounds to me like it is the situation that is the issue.. not you. But, I think the timing is really unfortunate with one period of therapeutic support coming to an end just before things got difficult again. Can you go back to the doctor and ask for more support. Or back to the therapist?

It feels that you are internalising the negativity around you and taking it out on yourself. Maybe because you are not allowed to show your feelings at home or they aren't being listened to? Do you have someone to talk to about all this.

Whoever organised for that sign to go up on your birthday is an idiot. Sorry, but that was pure stupid. Try not to feel like it is you that is bad or not worth it in some way. After reading your poem I think you are pretty awesome and creative. You are capable of being open and sensitive.. those are good qualities :)

lou040901
Posts: 52
Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2017 12:25 am

Re: Just as depressed as last time

Postby lou040901 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 11:31 pm

amaya wrote:Hey you aren't wasting our time. Welcome back. I joined since you were last here... so I have no idea what the issues were last time.

It sounds to me like it is the situation that is the issue.. not you. But, I think the timing is really unfortunate with one period of therapeutic support coming to an end just before things got difficult again. Can you go back to the doctor and ask for more support. Or back to the therapist?

It feels that you are internalising the negativity around you and taking it out on yourself. Maybe because you are not allowed to show your feelings at home or they aren't being listened to? Do you have someone to talk to about all this.

Whoever organised for that sign to go up on your birthday is an idiot. Sorry, but that was pure stupid. Try not to feel like it is you that is bad or not worth it in some way. After reading your poem I think you are pretty awesome and creative. You are capable of being open and sensitive.. those are good qualities :)


Thank you for a response. I'm glad you liked the song I wrote. I don't really think it's that good but I'm glad others like it. I am hopefully seeing a doctor about getting me antidepressants soon. They won't tell me to go back to counselling and it could take months for me to get another appointment.

I choose not to talk about it may people as people have always let me down. They have spread it and got me bullied which wasn't fun. And I have very protective parents and they would flip out if they found out about half of the shit I go through.

To be honest, we didn't know about it. We were all surprised when we got home from us going out for breakfast. My parents and my sister were mortified they thought I was going to lose my shit and break down but I just bottled it up, which is very damaging.

I've been dealing with emotions like these for nine years and only expressed them last year when my aunt died of pancreatic cancer. My life isn't overly fun as you can tell.

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Just as depressed as last time

Postby amaya » Tue Dec 12, 2017 11:48 am

Oeps I have answered your other post before seeing this one.

Glad you will be getting some antidepressants and I really hope they will work for you. It is a good idea to tell the doctor you see about the suicidal thoughts and nightmares because that can have implications in relation to certain medicines.

Considering how long you have been feeling this way.. I think you really need a referral to the community mental health team. Because such a deep sadness in early parts of childhood indicate certain potential conditions, which you may or may not have. But it requires a more in depth diagnosis to be able to say that what a GP or a talking therapist can provide. If there is an underlying condition causing these very difficult thoughts and feelings you are struggling to live with it can be a big relief to know what it is, even if the process of finding out is hard. It also means that you would have access to more support which it sounds like you need. Also, if you don't have something they will tell you that too and that would be nice to hear :)

My advice would therefore be to also tell the doctor when you first felt like this, how old when you first felt really low, how old when you first thought of suicide. That kind of thing and ask if they think that a referral is a good idea. (Print this out or copy and email to yourself and show on your phone if that helps.)

You deserve to be supported in every way possible so that you can get through the school years and into an awesome life beyond. I am sure the world needs your creativity.

"I choose not to talk about it may people as people have always let me down. They have spread it and got me bullied which wasn't fun."
It is important to talk, but to find the right people to talk to.. sometimes difficult to find. At least there is the internet and I hope you can find someone to trust in real life too.

"And I have very protective parents and they would flip out if they found out about half of the shit I go through."
This is why it might be a good idea to go to the doctor to talk it through confidentially. I am presuming you are 16 and that is possible. In mental health services there are opportunities to have appointments on your own and a chance to invite family or friends to appointments from time to time so that they can hear things from a professional instead of you having to find a way to explain it. It might stop the flipping out. Just something to think about in the future.

But it is a parents' role to be protective. But what is happening now is that you have a problem that you need help with, but instead of getting that help you are yourself protecting your parents. This is a bit upsidedown but that is also not your fault.. you love them and of course you will choose to protect them if you see them flipping out over other things. But getting your needs met at this point is actually more important than protecting your parents. They need to protect and support you to get the help that you need. Maybe you will find a way to tell them someday.

"I just bottled it up, which is very damaging." I think you are doing this to put your family first. But it is okay to show you are vulnerable. But maybe begin with the doctor, and then in the future you can plan a good way to explain it to your family with some professional support.

"I've been dealing with emotions like these for nine years and only expressed them last year when my aunt died of pancreatic cancer. My life isn't overly fun as you can tell."
No it sounds really hard actually and I think you are an amazingly strong and courageous person to be living with all this only relying on yourself. But you won't be able to do it forever.. strong people take too much on and at some point it is unbearable. So I think you need a plan, small steps each time, but to let the right people in your life know how hard things are for you and to get the help and support in place that you need. It might take a while, but if you have some ideas to start at least you know you are going to make some progress towards a day where you won't feel so bad all the time and can enjoy life.

You can get there. There are just obstacles to overcome. And not many things in life are as horrible as school years haha don't believe it when people tell you they are the best it is not true :) Good days are ahead of you for sure.

lou040901
Posts: 52
Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2017 12:25 am

Re: Just as depressed as last time

Postby lou040901 » Tue Dec 12, 2017 9:16 pm

amaya wrote:Oeps I have answered your other post before seeing this one.

Glad you will be getting some antidepressants and I really hope they will work for you. It is a good idea to tell the doctor you see about the suicidal thoughts and nightmares because that can have implications in relation to certain medicines.

Considering how long you have been feeling this way.. I think you really need a referral to the community mental health team. Because such a deep sadness in early parts of childhood indicate certain potential conditions, which you may or may not have. But it requires a more in depth diagnosis to be able to say that what a GP or a talking therapist can provide. If there is an underlying condition causing these very difficult thoughts and feelings you are struggling to live with it can be a big relief to know what it is, even if the process of finding out is hard. It also means that you would have access to more support which it sounds like you need. Also, if you don't have something they will tell you that too and that would be nice to hear :)

My advice would therefore be to also tell the doctor when you first felt like this, how old when you first felt really low, how old when you first thought of suicide. That kind of thing and ask if they think that a referral is a good idea. (Print this out or copy and email to yourself and show on your phone if that helps.)

You deserve to be supported in every way possible so that you can get through the school years and into an awesome life beyond. I am sure the world needs your creativity.

"I choose not to talk about it may people as people have always let me down. They have spread it and got me bullied which wasn't fun."
It is important to talk, but to find the right people to talk to.. sometimes difficult to find. At least there is the internet and I hope you can find someone to trust in real life too.

"And I have very protective parents and they would flip out if they found out about half of the shit I go through."
This is why it might be a good idea to go to the doctor to talk it through confidentially. I am presuming you are 16 and that is possible. In mental health services there are opportunities to have appointments on your own and a chance to invite family or friends to appointments from time to time so that they can hear things from a professional instead of you having to find a way to explain it. It might stop the flipping out. Just something to think about in the future.

But it is a parents' role to be protective. But what is happening now is that you have a problem that you need help with, but instead of getting that help you are yourself protecting your parents. This is a bit upsidedown but that is also not your fault.. you love them and of course you will choose to protect them if you see them flipping out over other things. But getting your needs met at this point is actually more important than protecting your parents. They need to protect and support you to get the help that you need. Maybe you will find a way to tell them someday.

"I just bottled it up, which is very damaging." I think you are doing this to put your family first. But it is okay to show you are vulnerable. But maybe begin with the doctor, and then in the future you can plan a good way to explain it to your family with some professional support.

"I've been dealing with emotions like these for nine years and only expressed them last year when my aunt died of pancreatic cancer. My life isn't overly fun as you can tell."
No it sounds really hard actually and I think you are an amazingly strong and courageous person to be living with all this only relying on yourself. But you won't be able to do it forever.. strong people take too much on and at some point it is unbearable. So I think you need a plan, small steps each time, but to let the right people in your life know how hard things are for you and to get the help and support in place that you need. It might take a while, but if you have some ideas to start at least you know you are going to make some progress towards a day where you won't feel so bad all the time and can enjoy life.

You can get there. There are just obstacles to overcome. And not many things in life are as horrible as school years haha don't believe it when people tell you they are the best it is not true :) Good days are ahead of you for sure.


Thanks I will try. I'm not one for upsetting people but I will try. People have always told me I need to stop putting others before myself but it's a natural reaction with me.

Life isn't fun and I never believe that statement about school being the best time of your life it's bullshit.

Thanks for believing in me

mihaela
Posts: 1073
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 12:42 am
Location: Lancashire and Moldova

Re: Just as depressed as last time

Postby mihaela » Wed Dec 13, 2017 6:48 am

I can't stand it when people say school is the best time of your life. Like you, Lou, I hated it. It was like torture, hell on earth! I've yet to meet anyone with autism who wasn't bullied at a mainstream school - either by teachers, children of both - and you don't autism to be bullied. Anyone who's slightly different is vulnerable - often throughout their lives.

With you in spirit. Don't give up. You matter. xx

lou040901
Posts: 52
Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2017 12:25 am

Re: Just as depressed as last time

Postby lou040901 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 10:14 pm

mihaela wrote:I can't stand it when people say school is the best time of your life. Like you, Lou, I hated it. It was like torture, hell on earth! I've yet to meet anyone with autism who wasn't bullied at a mainstream school - either by teachers, children of both - and you don't autism to be bullied. Anyone who's slightly different is vulnerable - often throughout their lives.

With you in spirit. Don't give up. You matter. xx



I'm sorry to hear people bullied you when you were in school for having autism that is cruel. I've never known why people have bullied or still bully me to this day, I don't get it. I try to be a nice person and I try to care and be supportive towards everyone I know but all I get is a metaphorical slap to the face. I feel like I should stop caring as what's the point in caring if all you get is abuse for it. Honestly I'm on the verge of giving up. I am planning on killing myself at some point during the new year don't know when don't know how but I am not going to make it to 2019 with out a suicide attempt or at all. I'm sorry to disappoint you..

mihaela
Posts: 1073
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 12:42 am
Location: Lancashire and Moldova

Re: Just as depressed as last time

Postby mihaela » Thu Dec 14, 2017 10:09 am

lou040901 wrote:I've never known why people have bullied or still bully me to this day, I don't get it.


I wouldn't let anyone get away with bullying you. You don't deserve it.

I try to be a nice person and I try to care and be supportive towards everyone I know but all I get is a metaphorical slap to the face. I feel like I should stop caring as what's the point in caring if all you get is abuse for it.


I know the feeling. It makes us feel useless when other don't appreciate us. Sensitive people suffer so VERY much at the hands of selfish, uncaring types. It's just not fair, and it's not your fault! They're the ones to blame, who should feel guilt and ashamed.

Honestly I'm on the verge of giving up. I am planning on killing myself at some point during the new year don't know when don't know how but I am not going to make it to 2019 with out a suicide attempt or at all. I'm sorry to disappoint you..


You mustn't, and you're not disappointing me, but you are making tears come into my eyes. :cry: The world would be an unhappier place without you. Please contact me on mailatlamposdotmd if you ever need a chat. I'll go out of my way to help you, because I can tell by the way you speak that you're a good person, and that you deserve to have a healthy, happy future.

Big hugs x

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Just as depressed as last time

Postby amaya » Thu Dec 14, 2017 10:20 am

"Thanks I will try. I'm not one for upsetting people but I will try. People have always told me I need to stop putting others before myself but it's a natural reaction with me."
That is something that a lot of people have. We are conditioned by certain factors in life to ignore our own needs. It is something you can learn to change, but usually in therapy.

"Thanks for believing in me"
That's easy, I see a strong creative spirit even from the short things you wrote here so I imagine you are a great person in real life :)

Both you and Mihaela have a *group hug* from me. I was also bullied in school. Shame we can't time shift and team up to stand together. No one would mess with us then :)

You can't disappoint us. Especially not by feeling low or suicidal. Those are normal feelings to have in a difficult time of life. They mean that you want something more than what you have and that what you have is unbearable painful. But you can and will have more in the future, so it is worth pushing yourself through so you can enjoy the other side.

"I know the feeling. It makes us feel useless when other don't appreciate us. Sensitive people suffer so VERY much at the hands of selfish, uncaring types. It's just not fair, and it's not your fault! They're the ones to blame, who should feel guilt and ashamed.
Mihaela is right.

Don't stop dreaming about what you want and who you want to be. Keep your focus on that and one day you will be living in a better future and these times now will fade into the background like forgetting nightmares.

lou040901
Posts: 52
Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2017 12:25 am

Re: Just as depressed as last time

Postby lou040901 » Thu Dec 14, 2017 2:59 pm

mihaela wrote:
lou040901 wrote:I've never known why people have bullied or still bully me to this day, I don't get it.


I wouldn't let anyone get away with bullying you. You don't deserve it.

I try to be a nice person and I try to care and be supportive towards everyone I know but all I get is a metaphorical slap to the face. I feel like I should stop caring as what's the point in caring if all you get is abuse for it.


I know the feeling. It makes us feel useless when other don't appreciate us. Sensitive people suffer so VERY much at the hands of selfish, uncaring types. It's just not fair, and it's not your fault! They're the ones to blame, who should feel guilt and ashamed.

Honestly I'm on the verge of giving up. I am planning on killing myself at some point during the new year don't know when don't know how but I am not going to make it to 2019 with out a suicide attempt or at all. I'm sorry to disappoint you..


You mustn't, and you're not disappointing me, but you are making tears come into my eyes. :cry: The world would be an unhappier place without you. Please contact me on mailatlamposdotmd if you ever need a chat. I'll go out of my way to help you, because I can tell by the way you speak that you're a good person, and that you deserve to have a healthy, happy future.

Big hugs x


Hey thanks for responding and giving a shit it feels nice. Sorry if I upset you by anything I've said it's just been a long time and nine years of torture is too much already. It's nice to hear you think I'm a good person thank you. Most people think I have a great life and have since the day I was born but people are seriously wrong they think I have everything. I don't. I eat alone at least one day a week at school as the rest of my friends are on different lunches to me. I honestly don't see how it's fair. Honestly it hurts knowing I will never escape the loneliness and bullying in my life.


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