amaya wrote:Hey you aren't wasting our time. Welcome back. I joined since you were last here... so I have no idea what the issues were last time.
It sounds to me like it is the situation that is the issue.. not you. But, I think the timing is really unfortunate with one period of therapeutic support coming to an end just before things got difficult again. Can you go back to the doctor and ask for more support. Or back to the therapist?
It feels that you are internalising the negativity around you and taking it out on yourself. Maybe because you are not allowed to show your feelings at home or they aren't being listened to? Do you have someone to talk to about all this.
Whoever organised for that sign to go up on your birthday is an idiot. Sorry, but that was pure stupid. Try not to feel like it is you that is bad or not worth it in some way. After reading your poem I think you are pretty awesome and creative. You are capable of being open and sensitive.. those are good qualities
amaya wrote:Oeps I have answered your other post before seeing this one.
Glad you will be getting some antidepressants and I really hope they will work for you. It is a good idea to tell the doctor you see about the suicidal thoughts and nightmares because that can have implications in relation to certain medicines.
Considering how long you have been feeling this way.. I think you really need a referral to the community mental health team. Because such a deep sadness in early parts of childhood indicate certain potential conditions, which you may or may not have. But it requires a more in depth diagnosis to be able to say that what a GP or a talking therapist can provide. If there is an underlying condition causing these very difficult thoughts and feelings you are struggling to live with it can be a big relief to know what it is, even if the process of finding out is hard. It also means that you would have access to more support which it sounds like you need. Also, if you don't have something they will tell you that too and that would be nice to hear
My advice would therefore be to also tell the doctor when you first felt like this, how old when you first felt really low, how old when you first thought of suicide. That kind of thing and ask if they think that a referral is a good idea. (Print this out or copy and email to yourself and show on your phone if that helps.)
You deserve to be supported in every way possible so that you can get through the school years and into an awesome life beyond. I am sure the world needs your creativity.
"I choose not to talk about it may people as people have always let me down. They have spread it and got me bullied which wasn't fun."
It is important to talk, but to find the right people to talk to.. sometimes difficult to find. At least there is the internet and I hope you can find someone to trust in real life too.
"And I have very protective parents and they would flip out if they found out about half of the shit I go through."
This is why it might be a good idea to go to the doctor to talk it through confidentially. I am presuming you are 16 and that is possible. In mental health services there are opportunities to have appointments on your own and a chance to invite family or friends to appointments from time to time so that they can hear things from a professional instead of you having to find a way to explain it. It might stop the flipping out. Just something to think about in the future.
But it is a parents' role to be protective. But what is happening now is that you have a problem that you need help with, but instead of getting that help you are yourself protecting your parents. This is a bit upsidedown but that is also not your fault.. you love them and of course you will choose to protect them if you see them flipping out over other things. But getting your needs met at this point is actually more important than protecting your parents. They need to protect and support you to get the help that you need. Maybe you will find a way to tell them someday.
"I just bottled it up, which is very damaging." I think you are doing this to put your family first. But it is okay to show you are vulnerable. But maybe begin with the doctor, and then in the future you can plan a good way to explain it to your family with some professional support.
"I've been dealing with emotions like these for nine years and only expressed them last year when my aunt died of pancreatic cancer. My life isn't overly fun as you can tell."
No it sounds really hard actually and I think you are an amazingly strong and courageous person to be living with all this only relying on yourself. But you won't be able to do it forever.. strong people take too much on and at some point it is unbearable. So I think you need a plan, small steps each time, but to let the right people in your life know how hard things are for you and to get the help and support in place that you need. It might take a while, but if you have some ideas to start at least you know you are going to make some progress towards a day where you won't feel so bad all the time and can enjoy life.
You can get there. There are just obstacles to overcome. And not many things in life are as horrible as school years haha don't believe it when people tell you they are the best it is not true Good days are ahead of you for sure.
mihaela wrote:I can't stand it when people say school is the best time of your life. Like you, Lou, I hated it. It was like torture, hell on earth! I've yet to meet anyone with autism who wasn't bullied at a mainstream school - either by teachers, children of both - and you don't autism to be bullied. Anyone who's slightly different is vulnerable - often throughout their lives.
With you in spirit. Don't give up. You matter. xx
lou040901 wrote:I've never known why people have bullied or still bully me to this day, I don't get it.
I try to be a nice person and I try to care and be supportive towards everyone I know but all I get is a metaphorical slap to the face. I feel like I should stop caring as what's the point in caring if all you get is abuse for it.
Honestly I'm on the verge of giving up. I am planning on killing myself at some point during the new year don't know when don't know how but I am not going to make it to 2019 with out a suicide attempt or at all. I'm sorry to disappoint you..
mihaela wrote:lou040901 wrote:I've never known why people have bullied or still bully me to this day, I don't get it.
I wouldn't let anyone get away with bullying you. You don't deserve it.I try to be a nice person and I try to care and be supportive towards everyone I know but all I get is a metaphorical slap to the face. I feel like I should stop caring as what's the point in caring if all you get is abuse for it.
I know the feeling. It makes us feel useless when other don't appreciate us. Sensitive people suffer so VERY much at the hands of selfish, uncaring types. It's just not fair, and it's not your fault! They're the ones to blame, who should feel guilt and ashamed.Honestly I'm on the verge of giving up. I am planning on killing myself at some point during the new year don't know when don't know how but I am not going to make it to 2019 with out a suicide attempt or at all. I'm sorry to disappoint you..
You mustn't, and you're not disappointing me, but you are making tears come into my eyes. The world would be an unhappier place without you. Please contact me on mailatlamposdotmd if you ever need a chat. I'll go out of my way to help you, because I can tell by the way you speak that you're a good person, and that you deserve to have a healthy, happy future.
Big hugs x
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