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Tablets

For when you're feeling particularly vulnerable...
teamn
Posts: 295
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby teamn » Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:20 am

Thanks guys...
I didn't think I'd return and write anything, although I have read on occasion, but my last experience put me off responding .anyhow. after few weeks of isolation and reaching some final decisions about ending my life and trying to set wheels in motion for that, and after praying and isolation and actually getting out hostel for a bit. After my son was discharged I went to my dad's as my dad was on holiday so that gave me respite..then few more days respite at my cousins looking after her kids. Has brought me back here. . I read Isaps posts and couldn't pass through without responding.

It's been hard not to respond earlier. But I just couldn't.

I just felt that nothing was important that I had to say nor did I have energy..I still not sure how I feel. Just taking day by day and the fact that I have my plan of action for death in place kinda fills me with calmness..that I won't have to cope with this mess of life for ever..

Anyway this ain't about me. So not going to go on and on..just wanted ynsag thank you all for your concern and responses. .I did see the very helpful comment after the non helpful one also. So thanks andthistoomustpass.
Last edited by teamn on Thu Dec 28, 2017 12:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Isap
Posts: 1367
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby Isap » Thu Dec 28, 2017 9:26 am

Hi Natalie

Please please dont go through with those plans. Apart from anything else, we all need you here supporting us.

Thinking of you

Isap xx

amaya
Posts: 609
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby amaya » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:36 pm

I think if the plan in your head is giving you calm now to get through a tough time then it is natural that you have made the plans. If it helps as a tool to tell yourself that you have an out then use it to get through now. But grow a parallel line of reasoning which says that you don't actually have to do it when it comes to it. That by the time that the time comes, that you won't actually want to because you will have the support in place that you need to get better, that the circumstances you are currently facing will have improved. And that no matter what, you are awesome and worthy of a happy life which will be possible for you one day, if though it is tough now, that won't last forever. In short, I also don't want you to go through with it. Because I like you. So I know the feeling is real, and the thoughts are important, but they aren't everything you are and I hope one day you can let them go.

How is your son doing now?

Cyprus
Posts: 347
Joined: Mon May 26, 2014 10:05 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby Cyprus » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:52 pm

Hugs cyprus

teamn
Posts: 295
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby teamn » Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:59 am

Hi
Thanks for hug Cyprus and ISAP and Amaya thank you for your support.my son was doing ok the last time I spoke with him , which was a few days ago. Unfortunately the situation i find myself in means I don't see my son very often. unfortunately I was unable to think of a parallel thought only suicidei. It not a continuous thought but is constant. Today I bought another pack of tablets In the morning, well 2 packs and buy the afternoons Decided that I'd do he deed by time i returned to the hosel.an hour. Later a friend called unexpectedly, I old her my plan and herhonest words helped me get through today. Not sure if it's coz she's a reiki master but kelt uploten for the first time I. Months. The feeling is still with me,so no intention of doing. It today.it would not have been according to my plan anyway,as I'm nit planning o do it with a bayaround. Sorry for any triggers.

Before my friend Alex I was. Contemplatingoing to AnE, purely cause the plan was not going according to plan,. I'm not sure how I feel or what I'm going Idofor the future, but today I still here.

It's approximately 18 months and things just got worse and worse. So not got much faiththat anything will change..
But for today I live, I just felt the need to share, I seriously hope that things change and life is great and I have somewhere to live fir me and my kids and my own income again, but I can't promise not even to my self that I'll wait.. I just hope that thing turn around before I make major decisions. But it's empty words, and empty words have filled my heart and ears from other friend kind words fir neRjy 18 months , I just so tired of empty words and shitty situation

amaya
Posts: 609
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby amaya » Sat Dec 30, 2017 3:07 am

Whatever you do, don't use the pills. It is so hard to be sure it will work and it can cause damage to various bodily systems that makes living after the attempt has failed even more of a misery than you already feel it is. Sorry to put a downer on the plan, but I don't think it is a good one.

The things you hope for are not empty, they just feel like it because you are so low right now and your situation is unbearable. But the hopes are something that can grow into something that is not empty if you stick through with it. Can your Reiki friend see you often to give support? She sounds like something positive in the middle of a lot of difficulties. And you are not alone x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 949
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:12 pm

Hi Natalie.

Glad to see you posting again. You are really valued by all of us.

I remember when I was stockpiling pills for similar reasons many years ago and know that you must feel absolutely horrible right now. Poor you, it must be so hard right now.

I always say 'right now' because as difficult as it is to find any hope in some moments, that is always temporary. You have gone through such tumultuous times in recent years, dealing with a range of issues and events, any one of which would strain anyone but how you are feeling is still temporary.

Life is change, you have taken the brave step to open yourself to change and it is certain that your feelings will change as your life does. The woman you are tomorrow when the good moments outweigh the bad will be glad you chose not to act today.

I'm using 100 words where 10 would do as usual but I am trying to say that I am glad I chose to throw out my stockpile of pills. I am glad I didn't do it and I hope you don't either.

sirhugo
Posts: 189
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:40 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby sirhugo » Sat Dec 30, 2017 3:28 pm

not really sure what to say to be honest. but i just wanted to add my voice to the choir. please dont do it. if you dont want to stay for yourself right now, stay for the people who love you. stay for us. if you dont i will haunt you in the afterlife :)

teamn
Posts: 295
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby teamn » Sun Dec 31, 2017 1:54 am

Hi guys, this so much for comments , it's hard to know what to say so I do take the comments you write with total gratitude, appreciation and love,thankyou.

Amaya:No one can give me continued or regular support, it's always just a one off, and then I'm back to square one, whvh makes me question wonder analyse ponder ruminate. Which makes me then feel even more alone, for example I was due to go and meet her today but she cancelled, it took a lot of energy in me not to take it personal and think God and everyone against me, and I stopped the thoughts from developing and running away with themselves and just realised that I have to deal with this alone.

I've done the following in my times of depression prior to it reaching abs suicide thought level and also since.
Spoke to doctors
Requested tables s
Requested support
Informed health visitors
Informed family support worker
Informed social workers
Spoke to sister
Friends
Cousins
Aunt
Even told my son but don't expect him to support me, just to understand my mood of Depression is not to be taken personally
Informed neighbour 3 of them
Informed councellor

And none of which has been effective

I ieven told my daughters father that I almost took overdose yesterday and nothIng (not sure what I wanted hi to do though,I guess I just want to let him know that I'm struggling.
So basically I had no problem whatsoever of talking honestly about how I feel, but now I do, as I see that I've gotten no where by informing others, It just makes me feel more isolated when they act as if I said the sky is blue, and not I'm suicidal or struggling or finding it difficult. What point in continuing to talk.

I'm at current researching if I can get injunction on my daughters father for emotional abuse ,he's a narcissist Who contributes greatly to how I felt/feel and if I could remove him from the equation and just get hito focus and communicate about our daughter that would ease pressure. Just don't know if the evidence I have or reason I have are string enough for court to accept.

Sir Hugo: you do make me laughin tough times such a gift, thankyou ..I doubt you'll haunt me though , but we could join forces and prank and haunt others..

ATTMP: wow, never met, in real life or virtually anyone that did what I'm doing, by hearing that, it gives me comfort as I know you got through it. I too appreciate you saying 'right now' ..totally understand that, and you also made me feel,less abnormal and inadequate fir feeling the way I do, as you reminded me that yes I HAVE been through a lot! Thankyou for affirming that I'm actually not weak, mad, stupid but this is possibly a natural mental emotional response of ill health based on trauma ,that comforts me also , thankyou . I'm glad you used a hundred words instead of 10,I read it over and over to let your words sink in and I'm sure I'll read again. Thankyou all for your comments..
Today I went to another friend didn't talk about how I felt, I didn't want to, I just stayed in moment of peace and spoke about general topics, nth gentlemen too deep..as I wanted a breather from myself , and for today it helped also,

sirhugo
Posts: 189
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:40 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby sirhugo » Sun Dec 31, 2017 10:06 am

im of the opinion that a laugh or a smile is sometimes all you need to help you through as tough time. it boosts your mood and helps you think more clearly and more positively. plus if you dont laugh youll cry and ive done enough crying for one lifetime

so how you feeling today?


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