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I feel like I am in a prison in my mind.

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ihopeforapainfreelife01
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Dec 05, 2017 12:34 pm

I feel like I am in a prison in my mind.

Postby ihopeforapainfreelife01 » Tue Dec 05, 2017 2:10 pm

Hi there, this is the first time in my life that I have posted how I have been feeling online. Other than Facebook which is like openly destroying your soul to the world. I feel very lonely and isolated with my thoughts, feelings and pain I have to deal with on a daily basis. I thought this may help sharing my story with others and to see if anyone else is going through a similar thing.

I was with a guy for four years and he was quite controlling, aggressive, and he used to emotionally blackmail me if I tried to break up with him. I kindly let him live with me for two years and during this time he never got a job, he did not pay for anything and expected me to pay for the rent, bills, food for both of us and give him money for bus fare etc... I was very intimidated by him and I was scared if I tried to break up with him again he would harm me. He had severe mental health problems and was a heavy drug user. I finally plucked up the courage to leave him and this is what happened afterwards...

I went through quite a stressful break up with my ex last summer and I started to have panic attacks after he told one of my friends that he was going to smash my door in and wait outside my flat every day until I spoke to him. This was the result of me changing my mobile phone number as he was harassing me and it was causing me distress. It took me a few months to feel calm again and to know that this was not going to happen as he later apologised to my friends. At the time, I was in a job that I hated and it was causing me such physical pain that it was making me depressed. On top of that I have been suffering with severe facial/sinus pain that makes me feel so low and suicidal that it is hard to function most days.

I think it was last November that I started to get this nasty internal voice inside my head that said horrible things about me and other people. It is very angry and it makes me feel so low. I feel like I have someone sitting on my head watching, commentating on everything I am doing. I try and keep myself busy to distract myself but when I do the voice comes back again and says things like 'Im gonna get you one day, if you keep ignoring me I will come back and bite you in the ass, I am going to ruin your life, your stupid etc. I know it is not an external voice but it causes me such distress that I end up crying when I am on my own because I feel overpowered by it. I try and talk myself out of it just like you would if you were being bullied by someone you knew.

Me and my ex used to take drugs quite frequently when we first met and then on and off for about four years. These included: cocaine, mcat, speed, mdma, ketamine and once I took something called g which made me so sick I threw up. I don't know if this has triggered the voice in my head but I suffer with severe depression, anxiety and paranoia.

Back in July I had a complete meltdown in front of my gp and I told him that I started getting this nasty voice inside my head and I asked him if he could refer me to a psychiatrist as I was not coping very well. I ended up confiding to my mum about my symptoms and she was very sympathetic towards me. She eventually told my dad and one day he confronted me about my issues and was understandably worried. He took me upto A&E as I was in such a state that I could not stop crying. I just wanted to speak to a professional. I waited four hours to see someone who I thought would be psychiatrist. It turns out that A&E don't have psychiatrists and I ended up speaking to a male doctor. To cut a long story short I was told that there was nothing he could do! After all that he just said 'I will email your gp and tell him that you are hearing voices.

So..... three months down the line in November I am still waiting to hear from my local mental health team. I phone them up and ask what is going on and do they have my details? The lady on the phone tells me that she has my old address on file but no case for me..... How shocking is that?!!! I told my mum what had happened and she went into my local doctors surgery and demanded for me to see someone and to get the ball rolling for an appointment with the mental health team. Shortly after that I received a phone call from one of their gps asking how I am and what my symptoms are. She assured me that she would write to the mental health team and get me an assessment. So last week I attended my first assessment with the mental health team and I told this man everything. He said he did not think I was psychotic but that the voice inside my head stems from low self esteem, low self confidence, the pain in my face, drug taking and a stressful break up.

I would like some advice or support from anyone who has ever felt like this or had similar symptoms? I have always suffered from low self esteem and I have lost my confidence over the years so I do get where he is coming from. I just want to know if this voice will ever leave me alone? It is so exhausting being inside my head all day. I just want some relief. I have read up about anti-psychotic medication and I have heard that they can help reduce voices but I am scared that they will change my personality and make me gain wait.

Is anyone on anti-psychotics and do they help? The mental health practitioner did not recommend them and said he didn't think I needed them. And also they can make you fat?

I would also like to add that I am trying to hold down a full-time job that I have just started.
And I am feeling like this which is so hard! Does anyone struggle with their mental health in the work place and do you get any support from anyone? I don't like one of my bosses and I can clearly see that he has no idea how I am feeling and no idea about mental health issues.

I need to find a new job with a nice boss! x

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: I feel like I am in a prison in my mind.

Postby amaya » Tue Dec 05, 2017 9:13 pm

If you have not been with the mental health team for long you need to follow their process a bit and see if what they are offering is helping. Do you have a psychiatrist, psychologist? Have you been offered any therapy?

It is entirely possible that the voices will go away with time and therapy. It sounds to me like the experience with your ex is the main contributing factor for this.. maybe with processing it all in therapy it will quieten and then leave you in peace. Please try to be hopeful for this. More drugs, even if they are prescription, may not be so helpful.

Are you still using or did you manage to stop? I think it might be a temptation with all the difficulties you are facing, but I am guessing it will be way better for your stability not to use anything for a while. Maybe strong tea!

You have been through so much and you are working.. that is impressive. It is a good idea to ask your GP, or community mental health team support worker, or your union rep, for advice about what to do at work. Maybe the citizen's advice burean also.

I think you are a strong person and I hope the mental health team give you the support you need :)

ihopeforapainfreelife01
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Dec 05, 2017 12:34 pm

Re: I feel like I am in a prison in my mind.

Postby ihopeforapainfreelife01 » Wed Dec 06, 2017 11:28 pm

Hi Amaya, thank you for your reply and in answer to your questions... The mental health practitioner I saw last week has written a letter to my new gp about referring me for therapy and to see a pain doctor for the chronic pain I suffer with in my face. I am guessing that I will see a psychiatrist/psychologist through the therapy that they will offer. I hope so anyway. I stopped taking street drugs last summer thank god and I cut off any contact with people that knew my ex and also took drugs. Sometimes when I fall into a light sleep or when I am waking up in the morning I can hear myself talking to people in my head about a load of jibber jabber and I wonder if that is caused by taking drugs.

I just want to get better and be able to live a normal life like others without feeling like I am constantly fighting with the voice inside my head. I have dreams and ambitions like anyone, and I have a passion for art which I want to pursue when I have a space of my own. I am grateful for the small things in life and having an amazing family and friends around me has helped. I hope the right medication and therapy will help me to function better.

When I do recover from this I really want to help others :) xx

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: I feel like I am in a prison in my mind.

Postby amaya » Wed Dec 06, 2017 11:53 pm

I am too sleepy to say anything particularly well thought out right now. But I just wanted to say that I do hope you will get the support and help that you are going for.. let us know how that all goes.

Maybe what you experience is related to drug use, maybe not, maybe a mix.. the solution is probably similar in any case once you are getting some support. Whilst waiting to see what support you will have it is probably best not to over think it. The mornings have been really hard for me over the last six months. I have ptsd and I often wake up with nightmares. The best cure for waking up in a strange condition is to get up and do something normal. Maybe making a morning routine for yourself so that you don't lie in bed thinking about how weird it all is could be really good for you, it has helped me.

I think you are going in the right direction to get the kind of life you want by asking for help. I am also hoping to make art a part of my life. I started going to an art class because I find it hard to get going on my own.. but I hope to be able to enjoy it even more in the future. It takes time to rebuild normality after any kind of crisis times.. but I believe we can get there :)

teamn
Posts: 460
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: I feel like I am in a prison in my mind.

Postby teamn » Fri Dec 08, 2017 2:35 am

Hiya,

i read this the other day when you posted, really thought i replied, been a lot going on in my head that i been blocking out, and actually forgetting few things, so apologies for delay in welcoming you.

don't really want to repeat anything that's now already said, but just wanted to add, that i think its so great that you've said when you get through this you want to help others.

My friend is a brilliant artist, and went through depression without meds and did therapy. few years since then she now does art therapy in community.

so you use your art as a therapeutic way to calm yourself or express yourself, might help, while waiting for professional support.
I think creatives (well its said that we often suffer from over active brains, and can trigger depression or mental health easily, particularly overthinking) but i do think your ex behaviour (his negative self talk to you & drug use, is also a factor). But as with everything, with right support (all round support) you can get through it.

:) x


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