Having a crisis. It's around work as usual but seems particularly bad. Where I work isn't run particularly well and I am a fairly senior member of my department. I've been looking to leave and had a few interviews. Massive anxiety over them to the point I feel I can't cope with doing more right now. Work is going through changes and I need to support my colleagues but a few cases of confrontation have happened leaving me feeling worthless, stupid, unappreciated, arrogant, selfish etc etc. Trapped with no way out, either stay and be consumed by the situation or leave and not have a job. I feel I won't get a job I deserve because I can't prove I'm worth having. I'm questioning my own abilities and worth. Do I have unreasonable expectations or too high opinion of myself? I'm even finding it hard to tolerate people I'd otherwise call friends at work. It's like everyone is my enemy and I can't trust anyone. It's usual that I think it must be me and I'm mad or a bad person. I do this to myself and those around me like a spiteful child.
I'm being treated, have been for years and had many periods of depression and anxiety. Anger and frustration at myself and others is a common pattern for me. Nothing physical, I'd hate if I hurt anyone physically or emotionally. I know I'm blunt I snap and choose bad explanations and say things that aren't appropriate. I've recently decided to go private as on NHS I am self-diagnosing and brunt asked what I want. Meds or therapy. Tried both. Initially better but then anything even trivial stuff can send me back to zero. Had an hour initial session with psychiatrist but no diagnoses yet, wants to see me for two more sessions. I was feeling better but a confrontation at work on Monday meant I couldn't go into the office for a few days. I want to not go back for the week, actually not going back at all would suit me better. A colleague needed my help though and another is leaving and I don't want to miss seeing them before they leave. I could really do without it though. I'm going to be on high alert anxiety tomorrow.
I've fantasied about getting a train ticket and disappearing to god knows where. Just to escape. Had suicidal thoughts and got to the which way would I choose but never went past that thankfully.
My partner is supportive but doesn't know what to do to help. I don't know what to ask for. Even just being held doesn't feel like something I want to do. It feels false, like I don't deserve it or I'm just emotionally dead. I think I even resent that. He's very stressed as well and I feel guilty I'm not supporting. Funnily helping someone else is easier than helping myself and is at least a distraction. Work is usually distraction too, as long as it is either alone or I don't end up in social difficulties with colleagues. I'm a software engineer so it's very analytical and cerebral and that tends to switch off my emotional side and I stop ruminating. For a bit. I finished a half hour ago and almost immediately started going over how bad I was today, what I did wrong, why I was stupid. Over and over. When it's like this I just want to be unconscious and I usually reach for the sleeping pills or Valium or alcohol. The latter I'm trying to resist as I'm a little addictive and can end up drinking every day six to either units. Of course I know that leaves me lower and guilty. So no alcohol again tonight. Not drunk all week. But sleeping pills every night. I know without I will stay awak thinking and if I do sleep I'll wake regularly. Only this week have had them so frequently. I try to stay to one a week, usually Sunday night.
Wow have I really written all that? I just needed to get it out. I so hope my psychiatrist can help me soon. I don't feel far away from just resigning and walking out.
Thanks for listening