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Needing some support

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randomacts26
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Oct 12, 2015 10:02 am

Needing some support

Postby randomacts26 » Mon Oct 12, 2015 10:30 am

Hi guys. I'm new here and already posted in the newbie room but didn't want to put my issues on there so thought I would post it on here. I have depression and anxiety have done for 8 years. Before that I had PTSD as a result of going through skin cancer. I've had lots of ups and downs in my life which I've dealt with but I'm starting to feel that my mental health is declining. Especially in the last year or so. I'm newly married and my mother doesn't approve of my husband. Long story short she kept putting her problems on me, making me feel like I was doing things wrong. Calling me selfish for getting married and being happy as she was no longer with my dad. She made me feel like I wanted to kill myself and I hadn't felt like that since I was 18 when I stopped contact with my dad for another issue. In the end I found out she was saying this to my brother and sister to making them feel the same so I've cut her out of my life as I don't want to keep feeling like that. Harsh but I don't like negativity. In the last 6 months I lost my dog. I had her since the age of 10. She was my everything. No matter what type of day I had she was always there to greet me. In April I had to let her go as she had been diagnosed with dementia and she was soiling herself in her sleep. I couldn't let her go on like that so I had to make the decision. Since then I feel very lonely. I got married in May, everything was fine. But coming home to an empty house, wasn't. When my husband goes work and I have no one with me I spend the whole day crying. We both work full time jobs. I work shifts and he is 9-5 so I only seem him now and then. He's recently started up photography which is fine as he wants to get out of the job he's in. I've paid for him to go on courses to get him set up so he can earn money. He still hasn't earn money which is also fine as he has to find his feet. I paid for him to do a model course so he can get use to working with people and different poses. Beforehand he did wildlife. Now all he seems to do is the model photography which was again fine. He is aware of my mental health issues too. A few weeks back I found out he was going to bring one of the models home and help her with her portfolio. I wasn't happy about this as my mind was spinning about another girl coming into my house when I was at work. Even though my husband isn't that type of person I started worrying about what could happen. I don't need to go into details. I told him I wasn't happy and to leave me alone as I was on the verge of having a panic attack when I found out. He didn't leave me alone and I ended up having an attack which lasted 10 to 15 minutes. Since then as an Anxiety sufferer, I've avoid any confrontational situations with him. I won't even talk to him about what's on my mind as I'm scared of what might happen. I really want another dog I desperately do but I know we can't as we work fill time as it would be unfair on the dog. My body clock as also kicked in and I've hinted that I want to start a family. I know why I feel this way as I feel very lonely without my dog and I I really want to look after something again. I miss the unconditional love. He isn't interested at this time and I'm not going to force him. We've got Guinea pigs but they aren't the same. I know I'm going from one subject to a another but I really want to get all these worries off of my chest.

All my husband goes on about is his photography and I'm silently anxious and upset that he doesn't want to talk about having a family. We agreed we would sit down and talk last week but it hasn't happened. I'm too anxious about starting the conversation off and becoming upset and having another attack. I'm starting to realise that I'm avoid situations because of my anxiety and as its starting to drive me mad it's playing on my depression. I get the occasional thought of killing myself and I can't control what my Mind thinks. I couldn't do it as I just couldn't my mind just like to think of it. So please don't be thinking I'm going to because I won't as I have too much to live for. All I want is someone to understand how I feel with my anxiety which is becoming a massive problem for my right now. I just don't know what to do. I've self referred myself back to a counsellor which I haven't seen for many years. I've seen several and I just can't sit there crying whilst they are staring it brings on an attack. I had counselling for my PTSD when I was 18 and I would cry and cry and they would sit there and stare and ever since then I can't face crying in front of someone.

I had PTSD when I was 18 after I survived skin cancer. I had 3 operations and had nuclear dye put into my leg near my ovaries. I was told I would have trouble conceiving and since then that's been on my mind. My husband is aware of this and also knows I want to try to have a family before I'm 30 to give me a better chance.

I hope there is someone out there who suffers with anxiety and can just help me whilst I wait a potential 6 weeks before I speak to my 7/8th counsellor

dizzcostu007
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Oct 12, 2015 7:36 pm

Re: Needing some support

Postby dizzcostu007 » Mon Oct 12, 2015 8:10 pm

Hi. Firstly I would say don't feel worried about posting things. Nothing you said sounds unreasonable. I too lost my dog a few years ago. The silence is awful, so trust me I understand. I would say though give it six months. I know that sounds hard, but a puppy is a lot of work and I think we genuinely forget that.

With regards to the problems talking to your husband. I do understand it's hard if you have asked to speak to him and he hadn't come back. If you don't want to speak to him about it why not write him a note with what you are feeling and let him read it. Email or text may not work as you may read it back and be waiting for the reply.

You also might not get everything you want speaking to him, but make sure you are happy with what he says. And what the outcome is. I can completely understand the worry about the modelling photos. I imagine most people would feel the same.

As mentioned there are ways you can tell him how you feel without having to speak to him. So give some thought to what works for you and take things slowly :)

randomacts26
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Oct 12, 2015 10:02 am

Re: Needing some support

Postby randomacts26 » Tue Oct 13, 2015 2:37 am

It's been 6 months now without her. It's a horrible silence I'm really not used to it. I sort of took her for granted and thought she would last forever. As she got sicker she was exhausting me as I was so anxious about her and babied her so much. I know deep down we couldn't have a puppy as we work full time and the dog would be locked up in the kitchen for most of the day so would be unfair. My heart just aches to love something with unconditional love.

Thank you for your support I may well write him something as I tend to say things better on paper. X

dizzcostu007
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Oct 12, 2015 7:36 pm

Re: Needing some support

Postby dizzcostu007 » Tue Oct 13, 2015 7:48 am

Good luck with the note :)

And how about a cat or an older dog? suppose work is still sn issue, but cats are more self sufficiant, so can be left longer.


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