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my mum (long post....sorry)

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my mum (long post....sorry)

Postby caz » Sat Mar 09, 2013 9:01 pm

its the anniversary of my mums death on monday 11th will be 11years to the day she died.....this time 11years ago she was in hospital along with my dad and granddad, my mum spent mothers day in hospital ( tomorrow...exactly 11years ago) and she was discharged the day after monday 11th march 2002.... my cousin was in work when i picked my mum up from hospital, before we left we went to say bye to my dad and grandad, my mum couldnt breathe properly and i asked her to go back the ward and she said NO! so went to see dad and granddad and it was the last time they saw my mum alive....i had 7 'extra' hours with my mum apart from when i went and did brownies for 1hour cousin and i went home and ask my mum what he wanted for tea and she beamed with this almighty smile (one that i will never forget) and said KFC!! so we went to KFC and bought it home.....after tea my cousin went for a bath but my mum needed the toilet so i ran upstairs and asked my cousin if she had finished and she said yes, so my mum went the toilet and she sat on the toilet lid after going the toilet she was short of breath, she was struggling i was trying to calm her down but she was getting worse so i shouted at my cousin to dial 999 whilst i was trying to help my mum but she collasped into my arms and i laid her down on the floor....i shouted to my cousin to come up the stairs and she started mouth to mouth but i knew my mum had died in my arms.....i was devastated.....the ambulance took 25mins to arrive in the meantime karen was still giving mouth to mouth...finally the ambulance came and said shes gravely ill.... so took her off to hosptial cousin rang her sister to come and take us to hospital and i kepy saying in the back of the car its too late shes dead. when we got the hospital i had to go up to dads ward and tell him my mum had been bought in and we got in the lift and i couldnt bring myself to tell him mum had died in my arms. we were take into a little room and the two doctors came in and told us the bad dad broke down along with my two cousins but i couldnt cry there was no tears so i asked if we could see her so they took us through and we saw her she looked like she was asleep.....i asked my cousin to ring our local lady vicar who came and said prayers with us all around my mum.....we left ....i said night to my dad who went back up the ward and the nurses made him a cup of strong tea and gave him hugs
i went home with my cousins to my mum and dads house and i started to cry then as it hit me that my mum was gone so my cousins sister said to sleep at her house but when i went to bed i didnt want to be there i wanted to be at home closer to my mum so my cousin and i went back to my house and slept in my mum and dads bed. to cut a long story short dad was discharged from hospital 4 days later and my grandad took bad, because of the situation of my mums death how she was discharged when not fit to they had to do a post mortem.....i was devastated as it meant i wouldnt be able to dress my mum in her own clothes for the coffin, she died on the monday and wasnt cremated till two weeks friday, i was numb all day.
my grandad took bad the following wednesday and died, my nan was devastated about my mum and my grandad and lo and behold my nan passed away in hospital 4 weeks after my grandad.....i think of a broken heart.
i was the one who told my grandad about my mum dying and i wish to god i hadnt as he died of a broken heart.

the moral of this story is why am i still alive.....i want to be with my mum but i know my dad would be devastated if i did anything.....i dont know what will happen when the time comes for my dad to die ....i will be all alone

am missing my mum so much, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY Mum, love and miss you with all my heart...

am off to dry my tears now

sorry for the long post but i had to get it off my chest

“The darkness that surrounds us cannot hurt us.
It is the darkness in your own heart you should fear."

Where there's a way out.....I will find it!!!!

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Re: my mum (long post....sorry)

Postby craziememe » Sat Mar 09, 2013 9:19 pm

(((hugs))) caz, you are so strong, that is why you are still here, it is not your time. Stay safe hunni, always here if you want to chat just give me a text xx

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Re: my mum (long post....sorry)

Postby judithj » Sat Mar 09, 2013 9:39 pm

caz, i know it's hard for you, but have you thought about why your mum said "No" to going back to the ward? she could have died there with nurses and doctors around, or with her family, after making brownies and having a meal together. Do you think she'd have traded those last few hours with those she loved for extra time spent in hospital? hugs, Judith xxx

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Re: my mum (long post....sorry)

Postby Lucretia » Sun Mar 10, 2013 12:32 am

love and hugs and ,your mum would be so proud of you ,managing to carry on without her ,with all the difficulties you have
lots and lots of


and love
It's nice to be important ,but it's more important to be nice

non muggle and proud

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Re: my mum (long post....sorry)

Postby caz » Sun Mar 10, 2013 1:58 pm

thanks for your kind replies, meme, eva and judith

judith....i had a meeting with my mums consultant a few days after she died and i asked the question would my mum still be alive if this had happened in hospital and his answer was 'yes'....they fobbed me off in the end saying that she should of gone back the ward if was having trouble breathing.........but my mum was stubbirn she didnt want to go back and i guess your right judith i did spend the last moments with my mum and i cherish that right to my heart but i still wish she was here......and i wish i was with her....its like she never existed but i carry a photo of her in my purse around with me so i dont forget what she looks like and that she did exist

thankyou again for your kind replies its much appreciated that i am not alone with this
“The darkness that surrounds us cannot hurt us.
It is the darkness in your own heart you should fear."

Where there's a way out.....I will find it!!!!

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Re: my mum (long post....sorry)

Postby ulysses » Sun Mar 10, 2013 4:41 pm

caz, that was a really affecting post and evoked painful memories of my own mum's death just over two years ago. we all have a very special relationship with our mother, as it is she that gives birth to us. people think i should be over it now but i'm not and don't feel i ever will be. i still miss her terribly and am now alone in the world apart from a cat and a brother, who lives miles away. whenever i come across her beautiful handwriting or a box of black magic, her favourite chocolate, l feel so sad. i should throw more of her stuff out but can't bring myself to as it seems like a betrayal. my sadness is compounded by the knowledge that she didn't have the happy life or son she deserved. each day i have to live with the guilt that i didn't appreciate or care enough for her and the belief that i can never achieve redemption. my Parkinson's is a fitting punishment.

losing not only your mother but also your grandparents shortly afterwards must have been an appallingly traumatic time for you. But i don't think you have anything to reproach yourself for, i.e., for not forcing your mother back into hospital, or telling your grandad the tragic news. i have, though, because as usual i was too self absorbed to notice my mum wasn't taking her heart medication. i think the only way forward is to honour the memory of our mums by trying to be the best we can. Despite your own struggles with illness,, you come on this forum to try to counsel and comfort others, and your mum would be proud of this. i think it's lovely that you try to leep her memory alive by carrrying a photo of her around in your purse and. unfortunately i have so few photos lof mine. i think the one on her bus pass is the most recent. caz, cherish your dad when he's here, but when he's gone you won't be alone as the Sane family will be here to embrace you. we love you. take care. i'll be thinking of you tomorrow. hugs xxx
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

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Re: my mum (long post....sorry)

Postby LoveBananas » Mon Mar 11, 2013 11:11 pm

Thinking of you. Just over a year since my mum passed and still extremely difficult. Keep strong. How are you today?

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