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For when you're feeling particularly vulnerable...
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Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby teamn » Sun Dec 31, 2017 1:36 pm


I agree, great to laugh, my sense of humour has not been removed by this feeling. I'm now begging to wonder if I'm actually depressed, or if I'm just sad, the label the doctor gave ,e of post natal depression, I don't think is right. Anyone facing what I'm facing, would be sad, so I think my feelings are absolutely normal.

I'm a very driven ambitious person, who planned on restarting my own business to support vulnerable young people , I'm not a corporate greedy fool,I just don't want to work fir anyone. I want to use my own wisdom skills and put my mark out there, while earning money. So I'm saddened that I'm unable to even do that due to circumstances at the moment.. I'm sad and annoyed and dissatisfied let down disappointing most of the time, I don't think that's depression.

Itoday im numb again, im neither happy nor sad, just nothing. That's how most days start off, and it whether I've got a spark inside me to lift myself or if I need help. Today meant to go to my cousins to celebrate New Years with her mates and kids, all the parents with kids strapped to the, who can't actually go out properly are going to hers :D

I'm neither here nor their about it, as I don't want to be around people and listen to some patronising bullcrap about oh how things will get better,.. hate when people jus say responses like that based on their hopes about it and not the actual facts. Depending what mood I'm in,I often ask them to factually tell me how they know this will get better, when council fire smoke are not telling me it will get better, or I just smile and nod.. as engaging firthher and always having to get someone t see that I'm not just being a flipping misery guts (anyone that knows me knows that's not me) I'm being a realist, I'm having a real response intellectually and unfortunately emotionally to my current circumstances which have now gone on for some time, so a flipping it's be alright flippant comment makes me actually want to give them a good old laurel and hardy slap..

I'm a very loyal and giving person and know if I had heard from my friend or family that they exerperiencing what I am, I would've been demonstrating action based support not words. Even during my time I have demonstrated action based support to other. Even helping another mate with anxiety to find solutions, by sitting with her over home and doing some real work with her, then creating a tool box fir her based on what she said tome, she said thT was greater thin fir her, and that includes getting her relationship on track.. she apologise that she can't do same for me

But she can, just what I'm realising is that people don't know how, or can't think outside the normal box of support.

We may all have some form of MH issue but doesn't mean one size fits all interns of help and support and doesn't mean that what helps today will help tomorrow. As our response change so too should suppport.. I think often in help peollle forget that each person an individual and I've found that too many people dictate and push their views on another , and makes the issue about themselves once again missing opportunity to assist someone.

I'm an intelligent being, and just need some sophisticated support it seems, I thought it was basic, you knw love, listening ear, actual proactive productive help, action based help, help sending emails, help talking to housing, help filling out forms, not because I'm stupid or inadequate but because I don't have motivation to do this things... sorry Sir H, your one question has turned in time ranting away..

I'll leave it there, as I said I'm not really thinking about anything, so I am numb, the little rant brought a level of feeling back, so I think it's better not to think and just remain in numb state. Saying that, I know yiu didn't like it, but I really wish my antidepressants would put me in permanent state of numbness and no empathy ... feeling right now is another chore..(except fir feeling joy in presence of my daughter)

Bye... gimme five.

. on the side.. :lol:

Down below
Oops too slow... :lol:

Just being silly to make myself laugh)

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Re: Tablets

Postby teamn » Sun Dec 31, 2017 1:38 pm

WOW ...DIDNT REALISE I WRITE THAT MUCH..USING ONE FINGER ON IPAD.. DEFINITELY A RANT..but thanks for asking feel it was a genuine question , just sorry you had to read answer...and then I got cheek to write more :lol:

Off fir a cup of tea and fag all that writing got me parched

Posts: 460
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby teamn » Sun Dec 31, 2017 1:48 pm

Ok I just went into my feelings a little , think the ranting opened my emotional doorway. I still feel like suicide is an option, but either god or universe taking I've not had time alone to do this, I will not do it in presence of my daughter, if today I was by myself , I can't say fir sure that I wouldn't do it, or that I would.. that's where I'm at still.. I just went to mae tea and looked at the mess in the bloody hostel corridor, and that triggered annoyance in me, and dissatisfaction with where I'm at.. can't believe My life right now.i hate the situational conditions of my life right now.....aaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh...

Maybe better for me to get some shit out here today just so I don't spill out later in front of people feeling happy happy and joy joy..
Particularly as I can't even get drunk on sambuca

Posts: 349
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Location: UK

Re: Tablets

Postby breatheinandout » Sun Dec 31, 2017 5:24 pm

Sambuca - nooooooo Its horrible :lol:

Tea and ranting is much better :D Just been reading this thread through - I am so frustrated for you - you make such good points about needing individualised support.

Sending you a big hug
Why did i pick such a long username?! Do call me Biao :D

Posts: 460
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby teamn » Mon Jan 01, 2018 11:22 am

hi, bias

Thanks fir your response and hugs, yeah deffo feel quite strongly about induvudualised support,

Sambuca is lush :D , but I love cough candy sweets too it's the anaseid taste . (Don't know how to spell anaseid!!

Well I survived cede the gathering only one be person asked hide I am, to whom c I replied over past few days I've been better.. and that was that, ended up doing lots of karaoke singing and dancing. I've also started re looking at private reb al properties, I can't manage in this space, especially with what I think may be ed bug bites on me, well the s not main reason main reason is everything all together. I have biked fir few viewings and noes when I need Gods miracles to happen, as landlords seem to be quite prejudiced against people on housing benefit..

Anyway, I feel that I can be motivated to view so going to use motivation while I have it , it means I'll be signed to ff council waiting list but I PDF being with council means living like a dog, and not being able to be around my son, I think I better sort myself, I've given Ben it a chance. I can't cope

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Re: Tablets

Postby amaya » Mon Jan 01, 2018 3:20 pm

I think everyone with mental health struggles needs individualised support, because everyone is different. I think it is great that you are so good at identifying your needs and articulating them to people. Shame the system isn't what it could or should be. Maybe from all the pieces of support that you do receive from time to time you can build you own individualised support. For instance I have a support worker here, who can technically do all kinds of things for me, but I decided what I want her help with and when she arrives I tell her what I want that day. With the ebb and flow in professional attention it might help you. So instead of just telling the health visitor where you are at, tell them, and then say I want you to do this or that for me to help you. I guess I am saying use what you do have, even if it is inadequate, take the good from it and make use of these people. It is kind of a way of dealing with it yourself, without having to actually do it alone if you know what I mean. If I need someone to come to an appointment with me I tend to ask them in turns so I am not always leaning on the same person. On the one hand it sucks that you are not getting the support you need and deserve, but on the other it does leave the level of control with you, and yes that gives extra stress, but it also means you can pick and choose how you want to go forwards with different things. I am not explaining myself too well I think.

I am trying to find a positive way through for you. But I also know that it utterly sucks to be in your position. I know how it is to tell the people in your life where you are at when you can't go on and get nothing helpful back, or worse, extra difficult things that make you wish you never mentioned the problem in the first place haha. It is horrible. I guess it is just about recognising that despite the fact that it shouldn't be this way, and that you don't deserve it, the only way to survive it is to put some kind of positive spin on it, use the good, let the bad go and fight like hell to keep going until the better days come.

And yes, I am doing that annoying thing of saying that I have hope things will get better without being able to practically evidence myself. But I am speaking from my experience. I have been nearly homeless three times in my life, been through many difficult experiences and crises and the truth is that nothing lasts forever, so the bad times always pass. In one way or another and that is just true, whether you can see how it will happen or not, one day it is just not so bad anymore, and another day it will be good.

Until then support forums are so good. I don't think I learnt to really be myself about my struggles until I made friends in places like this. Knowing there were people who did get it kinda helped deal with people in real life who never who. You kinda learn to adjust expectations in different relationships, knowing at least that you have some place to come to talk.

I am glad to read all your posts.. they are definitely not too much :) I have the same once I start about something a lot comes out. But that is because it needs to and this is a good place to do it.

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Re: Tablets

Postby teamn » Tue Jan 02, 2018 10:28 pm

Thanks son much for your post Amaya, you made some lovely comments about me. Not to sound pessimistic though, but I guess and I appreciate it's hard to understand how my journey has been since March 2016 until today 3rd Jan 2018, from the posts I've written over the past few months, but I greatly appreciate your messages and suggestions all the same.

In regards to me piecing together the various aspects of support I may receive to create my own individualised packages of support for my self and as you said asking those various people to assist rather than wait for it I've been there done that and worn the t.Shitt. when I ask for help with for example attending my meeting re housing, no one came, they seemed to be busy on all the appointments I gave them, when I asked to assist with finding me support around work, they offered to send me on cv building course. When I had to remind them, that for two years my business that I ran independently received 1/4 million pound contracts from the Department of Work and Pension to create and deliver job support training to job center clients. , so a cv building workshop was of no use to me. Another example , I asked them for access to training, ofsted, first aid, to become child minder, they printed me out the google search information , which I already had looked at , instead of looking at subsiding first aid course! Basically even when I ask they are hard work and very limited as employees, if I was these staff manager , I would definitely be sending the. On training courses and during supervision looking at what support they need in order to identify how to effectively help people. So I get tired of doing all the work after months and months and months, it would be Great to just try and create my own holistic package of care from various part of what they do, but it's so limited and sporadic that I'm unable. I crash and burn, chasing them,asking, repeating,waiting, Remember I waited nearly 5 weeks for social work, only to be told they can really do anything.. since my requesting support when I first realised I wasn't mentally well in April 2016 I only received professional support in August, while is was 7 months pregnant and suicidal. Then since that date, until at least 5 weeks ago (after social workers last visit ) I have told them all where I am at and then what I require.

I do that with m friends too, I do that if I'm managing staff, working in a team, parenting my son, I fully explain things that I require. And how best to achieve that, and what i capable of and what I need support with.. I DONT HAVE A CLUE, WHY MY CASE IS SO DIFFEREBT FOR THESE INDIVIDUALS. I hope the treatment of me is not a reflection of the treatment of all post natal patients, or all patients with any firm of mental health.
Some people should not work in the caring profession if they lack initiative, communication skills it's not just about being a bloody nice person..makes me sick!!!! Makes me sick and tired when I think about it.. (I think that's another reason I have t written down specifically everything I do and etc, as by thinking about again in detail it really winds me up!!! And that's not good for me, as if I get angry right now, I don't even know what I'm capable of..

So as I said not being pessimistic, but no way can I create an effective care package with what I have to hand, I may as well ignore all of them and do what I can when I can, for example, social worker was suppose to write email on my behalf to inform council of my reason for arrears and confusion with housing benefit, I asked her to write email. Tune. Had her up for 4 weeks of see if she done it, in the meantime, I attended the council twice during that time to inform and update them, but no contact from social worker to them, until today ( She emailed and let me know).

One positive that's. One out today is that after lengthily emails that. Sent to both health
Visitor And social worker, about health and safety/ environmental health, mice in hostel and cockroaches, and I think I'm being bitten by bed bugs.. I had informed the. Of this and tom intact relevant organisations as when I informed. Our il, they said I had to deal,with it myself. Which I nee was a lie, but did not have energy for the constant correspondence. Anyway in response to my lengkkth email , the social worker has apparently spoken to environmental health who are due to not at me soon she says.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but I'm not feeli. Suicidal, after Sunday..I decided I need to take control and not let people attitudes, inaction, rudeness, the situation I'm in, guilt of parent, emotions , or hostel, Andy unemployment rob me of my life with my kids. So I decided I will get private rented accommodation, look for work, and set up Siemens projects that I can develop from home and send invoices out.

I'm ready to walk away from all that makes me feel crap, even this ridiculous indefinite wait with council for property , I'm taking back control, as by remaining here and meaning around ANYONE that makes me feel bad while i am in these circumstances, will postenially mean that I'm triggered so much that I become suicidal.

I have t thrown the tablets away yet, as I want to be serious , whine I thrown them I really know I'm through the black hole.

I have viewing this week for a property, I'll take it from there and see what occurs

When you say it will get bette, I don't find it annoying, as you are trying to give earl suggestions, not just making flippnat comment to change subject, so I thank you for your hope,

Yes sometimes I hold back in my posts as I could write a book, I am a writer as well, written two scripts and one Tv series in production process this spring. So I do enjoy writing, but here I've held back, didn't enstvyi go on and on as I would appreciate someone reading it, and thought if I go on and on, the reader may get

Anyway thanks gain for reading and commenting, thanks to everyone for reading and commenting, ad for WILLING ME THROUGH theses past few weeks.. I will now not expect anything from anyone it's my life I've got to live it, so I'll change more going to these waste of time people for help.

I've got council doling tomorrow, I'll go there then not again, and I'll tell her why too, I not wasting my time, feeling let down, and that's not good for my mental health, I'll let you know what she says tomorrow.

I re added som extra bits this morning the 4 Paragraph...I recognise by taking totally i depth about how incompetent I feel professionals are, in top of what m going with, these are what makes me sink.. as the annoyance consumes and frustrates me..

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Re: Tablets

Postby sirhugo » Wed Jan 03, 2018 5:04 pm

Hi sorry for the late reply work has been crazy busy. plus ive been suffering in agony from going to keep fit classes. what was I thinking? :D

another reason was after reading your lengthy replies my brain exploded and I need some time to piece it back together :lol:

so whats going on now then?

Posts: 460
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby teamn » Wed Jan 03, 2018 6:25 pm

Sir HUGO :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

How you brains back together again, nothing much occurred today, I'mik just trying to use all my energy while I have it , I discharged myself from counceling services, filled out some forms to help with financial situation, which has taken me nearly a year to do it.. applied fir 2 jobs, and just searching for more jobs to apply for..

Well serves you right about the agony, keep fit.. just get a bit strip or whatever their called and take few laps round inside a pub or cafe.. job done :lol:

Posts: 460
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Tablets

Postby teamn » Wed Jan 03, 2018 6:36 pm

It's so funny, as my daughter is trying to find space to maneauver around this bloody hostel, I'm getting internally annoyed,as I pick her up and redirect her steps to a safer space, or move her hands from trying to get under the unstuffy wardrobe in here... it's funny as I've been here under a week, and I'm already getting pissed off wit this stupid place again, today iscongest I will spend in here..this week, I really hope I do not dip again, it's this bloody place, looks like lol need to walk the streets all day in the freezing cold in order to have some sanity and good mental health.. I don't want to dip again, I really don't, I'm leaving this forsaken place right now, going for a walk in the minus temperature, before today good mood , drops back to meloncholy and woe!

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