last poem for tonight.......
The Downward Spiral
Panting, lungs stopped up with rage,
Hate, choking my throat
With a grip as strong as death itself
I lean against the cool bathroom tiles
Eyes closed and forehead burning
With an anger that is greater than fever.
Trembling fingers reach for silver razor
Blade is sharp and cool relief in sight
Hands shaking with the sheer content
That overflows me at even the sight
Of this my best friend.
Just the dingy light glinting off the sharp metal
Sends euphoria shooting through my brain
My drug of choice.
And as I set it against my arm
I feel the chill
Seeps from the razor
Into my arms,
Through my veins
Up along my arms, slowly creeping toward
I close my eyes, grit my teeth
And make the sudden sharp downward
The red drops fall one by one
Into the sink,
Crimson marring the perfect porcelain white.
Briefly it crosses my mind,
Will they ever come out?
Perversely I wish they won't.
Ruined sink, broken and tainted...
Something else in the house
As messed up as me.
The rage is dissipating now
Hate releases its tight stranglehold
From around my neck
Leaving speckled green-and-yellow bruises
Not visible to the naked eye
But more painful
Than the cuts on my arm
Shaking worse than ever,
My fingers so clumsy I almost drop the razor
As I wind it in its wrappings again
Slide it in my pocket
From where it will never stray
My one true friend.
The euphoria leaves my brain,
Shoots downward and away
Leaving reality stark and grim
As the dirty bathroom tiles
With mold and mildew all over them
And the half-cracked bathroom lights.
The high is gone; the guilt sets in.
What kind of monster am I?
To set blade against my own flesh
To hurt my own body by choice?
Years of conditioning rage at me
Voices taunt me, mock me, judge me
As I cringe away from the dictator
In my own head,
Hands clapped over my ears
As if that will help in the end.
I'll never do it again, I promise
Futilely throwing resolutions at the voices
As scraps of meat to pacify the great guard dogs,
Slaver dripping from their sharp teeth
That could crunch me up in a single bite.
I promise I promise I promise I'll be good...
The guilt rises up
Like bile, choking me in the throat...
And secretly, my fingers creep down
In my jeans pocket