Ive got my first appoitment with the cmht soon. My depression is really severe atm but I always manage to hold it 'together' for my kids. This time so hard and I really feel like I don't know who I am anymore or what I'm doing at times.
I know last week I know I went on a mission kick arse at local services who have failed my daughter. But that's when I really crashed .
Once I'd achieved what I need to I crashed
And hit rock bottom again. I can never show anyone when I'm low, I won't answer the door or the phone and I disconnect myself from the whole world. I feel like when I'm on those 'missions' it's someone else and I just watched it. I feel so broken and this week I've started crying everytime I wake up in the morning because I suddenly realise im STILL alive
That said - I don't want to die,and I'm not planning suicide or even thinking about it. I just want all these things that have happens in our lives to just go away. But some never can and I can't handle that either because it kills me too much too know that.
My counseller and Gp mentioned the words 'disassociation' a few times but I don't know what the means or how serious it is? And is that even what I have? All I know is that I'm in a really bad place and struggling to survive each day atm