Hi, this is my first time posting and i'm hoping for some advice if anyone has been through the same sort of thing. Apologies for the long post.
My husband of 13 years (together for 20 yrs) has been struggling with depression and self-harming all his life, but recently things have been a lot worse (past 12 months or so). Then yesterday he broke down and told me although he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore and things just feel different. He even said that the reason for his depression worsening was because of the way he was no longer feeling about me and he didn't want to hurt me. He mentioned that little things i sometimes said now irritate him when they hadn't previously, and although he still thinks i;m attractive he has no urge to have sex with me. This ended in him self harming quite badly when he realised how shocked and upset I was to her this. We have been together since our teenage years and are each others best friend, and were always such a close and loving couple who never fought, always laughed and had fun.
I am absolutely heartbroken - that my best friend, my love, my world, felt this way and was hurting so much for so long. but also (selfishly) for me, that i could be losing the only person I have ever loved or wanted. I can't imagine a life without him - i don't want to.
I want to believe that the depression may have something to do with the way he is feeling about things as I can't bear the thought of life without him, but I just don't know how to process everything. He says things like I deserve someone better, who can give me all the things i want, but i only want him. nothing else matters to me. He also says that he loves me and always will, and he wants to work on our relationship and try to rekindle what we had.
He has always refused outside help in the past but after yesterday has perhaps realised how severe this depression is, so has been to his GP this afternoon and has a prescription to start tomorrow. He is also at his first psychiatry session today which we managed to get an urgent appointment for. I'm hoping that by getting this help he not only starts to feel better in himself, but that we can also get back what we once had. I'm so scared of getting my hopes up though.
I'm normally quite an upbeat person but i don't know if i'll ever be happy again. I would never do anything stupid, but I had a heart attack 10 years ago and can't help wishing that I just hadn't gone to the hospital back then, as it would have a different ending and there would be no pain right now.
I'm trying to be strong round him and not letting him see me cry (other than our heart to heart talk this morning) but it's so hard. I have told him I will always support him and be there for him and I truly mean that. I'm just so lost.
Any words of wisdom would really help right now.