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Feeling powerless

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
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Joined: Sun Jun 24, 2018 8:14 pm

Feeling powerless

Postby mel » Sun Jun 24, 2018 8:36 pm

Hi, I am here to ask advice from anyone that understands what I am going through. My partner has self diagnosed himself with BPD. However he refuses to get any kind of help for himself or a professional diagnosis. He just lives this constant rollacoster ride of thoughts, feelings and emotions. When I ask him to get help he tries to project things back on to me, telling me I am the one that needs help. I have in the past seen a councillor privately but can’t afford to keep paying for this. I have also made doctors appointments but I don’t think they can do anything for me. It’s so frustrating being in the situation of wanting change but feeling powerless. I wouldn’t leave him because I love him and also we have small children and financial commitments together. However if he doesn’t help himself in the future I will have no choice but to walk away. Is there anything I can do to get him help?

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Re: Feeling powerless

Postby rsxo » Sun Jun 24, 2018 10:36 pm

Hi mel,

The best thing you can do is get him to go to the GP for a physical check-up, but call the GP beforehand to let them know that you're worried about his mental health as well - they may be able to discuss it during this time slot. You can't force someone to get support if they don't want to, which I know is frustrating, so persuasion remains the only way.

You do need to look after yourself though. Sacrificing your physical and mental wellbeing to try and persuade him to try and fix his wellbeing isn't worth it, and if you find yourself in that position, you may need to consider leaving. No one's a hero by giving up their mental wellbeing in the hope that someone else's improves. With the children and financial commitments, that can be sorted if you decide to split. I hope that it doesn't come to this, but it should remain as an option on the table if things don't go as hopedx

Much love <3
RSxo <3

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Re: Feeling powerless

Postby athlestan » Wed Jul 04, 2018 10:05 am

Hi Mel,

My advice would be to make sure you and the children are well, physically and emotionally, no if's or but's this has to be your primary concern. Financially it can all be sorted out, yes its painful, yes it would come at a time when you have a world of problems to sort, but it can be sorted.

You clearly want to help your husband/partner so examine your own actions, as you can control these, and see if they (unintentionally) fan the flames. Remove some of the fuel and the fire will subside. You are not to blame, this is just advice.

You partner/husband is an adult and if he wont help himself it will be hard for you or any health care professional to help either - an alcoholic can only be helped when they recognise they have a problem. Self diagnoses is not very healthy and even the professionals get it wrong sometimes, he has to get help, professional help but he has got to want it.

The experience I base the above on:

I live with BPD and have done my whole adult life (formally diagnosed in 2012) and it has destroyed two marriages and family units, the most recent just last month. I am now estranged from all my children (the older 2 I've hardly seen over the last 10 years) and now I am 180 miles from my younger 2. I have been so angry at the world for so long I don't know anything else and I can be a bear to live with, and the guilt I feel for this only drives my condition further. I am just starting recovery from another breakdown and wonder if I'll find the strength again, fear that I'll repeat the pattern with someone new and know I have a fight for my life to try and get DBT the recognised therapy for BPD. This is a lifelong condition that at best can be managed - I want to mange it but it is so hard. If your partner/husband wont get help my prognosis for you is not good.

A piece to show your husband/partner

Hey dude
If you think you have BPD then go get some help, if you don't think you have BPD then go get some help. Now!
If you do not seek help and/or want to change then everything you think you hold dear you will destroy - I've lost 2 beautiful families because of my BPD. The first I was diagnosed but in mental health services. The second, only last month, ended in spectacular fashion and a section 136 with a 5 day mental health hospital visit - you do not need that sh!t in your life and neither does your loved ones, especially your loved ones!
I am fully aware of the tone above because I am trying to get your attention! Have I got it?
As a BPD sufferer my life has been chaotic, never holding down a job, sticking at anything, regular breakdowns every 5 years. I recognise the 5 year pattern now as the time when I get 'overloaded' and can no longer cope - this is a result of not being honest with myself and telling myself it will all be alright. I spend money I haven't got, don't own actions I have taken, create chaos because the only feeling I enjoy/know is pain. Then I get depressed because of the damage I do to my loved ones, especially my children, and I love them so much and being separated from them is a pain I do not enjoy. This is what you have to look forward to if you continue on your path.
Please dude go seek some help because you have a long road ahead of you and the fight of your life to get the best help possible - Dialectal Behaviour Therapy, DBT. Or don't get help and lose all you hold dear and you wont know how dear that is until it's lost.

Loves and Hugs


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Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2017 10:49 pm

Re: Feeling powerless

Postby hopesanddreams » Sat Jul 14, 2018 1:30 pm

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice I just wanted to thank you for your post because it really rings true with me. My husband has depression (I often wonder if it’s BPD) but he won’t get help. Ive tried for years. Partly because of the stigma and he thinks getting help is a failure and partly because he doesn’t want to get better, he’s angry at the world and he doesn’t care, he’s tired of fighting and wants to give up.

I am at a total loss as to what to do. I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him but this emotional rollercoaster is destroying me. It breaks my heart that he’s given up and would rather lose everything than seek help.

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