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When is enough enough?

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
lavendergirl
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Jun 16, 2015 5:43 pm

When is enough enough?

Postby lavendergirl » Sat Jun 09, 2018 1:11 pm

My husband and i have been married for just over a year and together for 6. This is second time around for both of us. Since his dad died 5 years ago and we moved into a flat he has suffered with depression - the combination was like a trigger. On average we gave 50% good and 50% terrible (either not talking and slumped or fighting with me) his words have got nastier and nastier and i dont know if as a woman i can take much more. When he’s not down, our relationship is amazing, intimate and special but this other side is horrible and cruel. He says awful things and in the heat of the moment tries to put words in my mouth. He wants me to say that i hate him and think he’s a s**t and he says it over and over again - but i dont because that’s not how i think - i love him despite how difficult and complicated he is. He annoys or upsets almost everyone i know in one way or another. Our last argument went a step further with him calling me fat (im a size 16) and that if i carry on eating he’ll divorce me anyway - as i said not nice. I myself am a professional, intelligent, outgoing and friendly woman who used to be the life and soul of any social situation but this is tough. I often see the confused, vulnerable man under ‘the black dog’ but at what stage does the ‘D’ word become an excuse for verbal abuse and at what stage is enough enough. Sometimes i think we play ‘the Depression Dance’ ... we have a disagreement that turns into an argument that turns horrible (or the alternative is he walks away and then builds virtual barriers around himself and stops all communication ) then he pushes me to my limit. And if i did eventually leave it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy for him “see i told you you couldnt love someone like me - someone depressed, someone who is horrible to you” what would you do in my situatuion? Under all this crap and drama is a man who loves his wife and a woman who loves her husband but it seems to be on repeat more than not at the moment.

capitalt
Posts: 190
Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 4:22 pm

Re: When is enough enough?

Postby capitalt » Sat Jun 09, 2018 10:46 pm

I guess the questions are does he accept he's got depression, does he want it to end, is he getting help, perhaps even do you know the causes of depression and can do something about it ?

Sounds as though it could be bipolar if it becomes very good, hyper even ? maybe a mood stabiliser would help ?

I would suggest a visit to your GP may help, seeking a referral to a mental health specialist.

In terms of helping yourselves, are there any interests you could share ??

Good luck.

lavendergirl
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Jun 16, 2015 5:43 pm

Re: When is enough enough?

Postby lavendergirl » Sun Jun 10, 2018 10:00 am

He's on anti-depressants and he's had a bit of counselling privately but this was too expensive (although it was very good) We tried through NHS, mental health specialist, I-talk and anger management but nothing worked. He says he's a lost cause that could be helped if we had loads of money and went private. He is very black and white, right and wrong, win or lose. He was bullied by his siblings as a child which is why he rails against authority, and argues with anyone he feels is wrong or doing him an injustice. It is exhausting for him but he says he will never change.

We don't do anything together(although we spend quite a bit of time together)

His major bug bear is loyalty - he demands 100% and I always fall short of his expectations - I think anyone would as his expectations are so high.

capitalt
Posts: 190
Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 4:22 pm

Re: When is enough enough?

Postby capitalt » Sun Jun 10, 2018 3:29 pm

I can recognise those symptoms, I've been similar and only recently recognised them in myself.
It seems black and white thinking is fairly common, somehow we have to recognise this for ourselves and want that to change. It's also easy for us to blame others, been guilty of that too.
I'm not sure what to suggest, if I knew the answers I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in and would offer help.
I'm struggling to cope on my own, seems I have been for ages and not realised, I do wonder whether your husband would cope on his own too ?
Money probably wouldn't get you the best therapy, just a hole in your wallet, which could make things worse.
Often we have to consider ourselves, and make decisions that are best for us, please, look after yourself first.
Good luck.

lucym
Posts: 34
Joined: Sun Jun 04, 2017 5:25 pm

Re: When is enough enough?

Postby lucym » Tue Jun 19, 2018 12:47 am

Dear Capitalt, I’m so sorry you’re struggling but I read your words and personally found them very helpful.
My partner is very up and down and some of what you said- lavendergirl, felt a bit familiar.
So much of that kind of behaviour is a cry for help, it’s self loathing coming out, frustration and fear.
That said, at no point do you have to put up with abuse.
This may sound easier said than done but you need clear boundaries. Of course be supportive and let him know you love him and want to help, but be clear with him that the things he’s saying are hurting you and that you are human and it’s not ok to keep pushing like this.
As capitalt says, the next step is admitting there is a problem/getting treatment. You could offer to go with him to the docs or an assessment so he knows he’s not alone. He may not want it or be ready but all you can do is try. Having said that someone once said to me ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink’, ie for any help to work, he’s got to do it for himself.
It takes a lot of patience to not take being snapped at and, in your case, feeling victimised, personally. So be kind to yourself. I hope what I’ve said is helpful. My partner and I had an argument this evening and he was snapping at me a lot and locked himself in the bathroom and as it turned out, had fallen out with an old friend who hasn’t been a good friend to him while he’s been going through hell. I feel like an arsehole for not having responded with more sensitivity and patience, but it wears me down and I get upset by it too and want to help and can’t and sometimes nothing I say helps. It destroys a little piece of me every time we argue and even with every dip he has. I’ve not been on here in a while as he’s been doing really well until last week. But he’s a lovely person and so kind and I get how horrible and isolating it can be and how trapped it can feel to have the thoughts in your head telling you your worthless- I do have that myself to some extent (which isn’t to diminish anyone’s experience or condition). I just hope that, and I’ve never said this and this sentence is all my own anxiety- that I’m not making him worse. Walking on eggshells so often makes you wonder things like that.
Sorry, I really hope that I’m not saying the wrong things on here. I’m spiralling a bit, it’s late so I’ll stop now.
I hope you’re all doing ok. xx

hopesanddreams
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2017 10:49 pm

Re: When is enough enough?

Postby hopesanddreams » Sat Jul 14, 2018 5:52 pm

“I often see the confused, vulnerable man under ‘the black dog’ but at what stage does the ‘D’ word become an excuse for verbal abuse”

This really rings true with me. My husband says really upsetting things to me when he’s under the black cloud. I try to be patient and understanding because I can see that he’s in pain and he’s just angry and lashing out at the person he’s closest to because he’s on self destruct. But how long can I keep taking it for? I have feelings too and there’s only so much
I can take. But I can’t tell him that because he just uses it as ammunition to hate himself even more. Can’t really win!

Sorry that I don’t have the answers, I just wanted to say you are not alone.


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