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Guy I am dating with multiple issues

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Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2018 4:06 pm

Guy I am dating with multiple issues

Postby palosean » Sun Apr 08, 2018 4:47 pm

I have been dating a guy for the last couple of months who has multiple mental health issues, which I wasn't aware of when we started dating. I know he's had some bad experiences, one of which I know about, but I'm fairly sure there's a lot more I don't know. We got on really well, and he was really into me and things were going really well.

He has pulled away the last couple of weeks, and that's how long it has been since we last properly saw each other, apart from at work. This last week he has been really distant, which culminated in him cancelling our plans. He intimated he wasn't feeling great, and last night messaged me with a very, very long explanation of how he feels severely depressed at the moment, and his way of coping is to shut himself away, which is what he always has done. That how he is acting is no reflection on me, or 'us', and he doesn't know how I feel about how he's been acting, but that how he feels right now *will* pass. The gist I got was that he feels bad, but he won't feel like that forever and he still likes me and I can wait for him.

My response was that I have no issue with his mental health, but that I feel sidelined, and in no man's land and it's not a place I want to be. I really like him, and I told him this, and that it's really hard to properly talk over messaging, and if he wanted to spend some time with me and talk to me about how he's feeling, I could do that, and left it at that. I haven't heard from him since last night.

The issue I have is that I have no idea how to handle this. I can tread carefully, but what I really need is to hear FROM HIM what he wants, but I don't think he's going to see me while he feels like he does.

I have my own experiences in the past with different kinds of depression, and anxiety/panic disorder, so I am trying really hard to be compassionate. The thing is, I feel terribly out of my depth. I am also finding the uncertainty has instigated anxiety again in me, which is hard. My experiences made me want to draw people closer, so the way he is is completely different.

What's the best way to handle this?

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Joined: Thu Apr 05, 2018 9:58 pm

Re: Guy I am dating with multiple issues

Postby popping-candy » Sun Apr 08, 2018 7:28 pm

It's really tricky for you and must be really confusing.
I was in a similar situation with my now fiance when we had newly been dating. Again like you I too suffer with both anxiety and depression so I thought I'd be equipped to deal with his mental health too. The thing that I learnt and in some respects am still learning is that no matter how you experience and manage your mental health, the next person will do it differently.
I tend to push mine down and try to battle through (albeit it explodes out after a while), however my partner completely gives in to it and it becomes all consuming.
I guess the advice Im trying to give in a jumbled way is that you have to allow him his method of coping and hope over time that inch by inch he'll let you in. This can be really tough though and you have to decide if mentally you're able to manage that without becoming Ill yourself or resentful.
Sorry probably not helpful, but if it helps I held on and we're nearly 6 years in. X

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Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2018 4:06 pm

Re: Guy I am dating with multiple issues

Postby palosean » Sun Apr 08, 2018 11:45 pm

That is helpful, thankyou. I agree about people handling things differently, it's something I've been thinking about earlier after I posted. I'm very stubborn with my anxiousness, I refuse to let it ever get in the way, and I have dealt with it really well through CBT. It's really rare it actually gets me nowadays.

My guy has mentioned has multiple issues so I can't imagine how he deals with those, let alone more than one at a time. I also mentioned I think there's a lot more I don't know, but I haven't asked, he volunteered the details of his conditions so I'm glad he felt comfortable doing that, and hope he feels he can tell me more eventually about past experiences, but it's not something I would press.

We're working it out bit by bit, and I do hope he will let me in. It's early days yet.

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Joined: Fri Apr 13, 2018 1:52 pm

Re: Guy I am dating with multiple issues

Postby gsb » Tue Apr 17, 2018 10:07 am

It's a guy thing. I used to be just the same. For one thing he doesn't want to risk your relationship by letting you see him at his worst and he probably just needs some time to think and sort himself out. Men are like elastic bands, sometimes we need to pull away,'get some space', sometimes called going into our cave, but we'll return later if we're not made to go too far. Give him the time he's asked for and I'm sure it'll work out for the best.
"There's no wreckage that's too broken to rebuild"

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