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Shut out of new relationship

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
depressedtodeath
Posts: 219
Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 9:09 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby depressedtodeath » Sat Feb 24, 2018 8:21 pm

I have been reading alot of your posts everyone and one thing strikes me that you seem to paint youraelves as faultless even saintly.

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Sun Feb 25, 2018 12:58 am

I'm no saint and definitely not faultless! I just believe that I should treat others how I would like to be treated myself. I've got a chronic illness myself so feel more compassionate that's all. Many people I know would run a mile from any kind of mental health problem, I wouldn't.

I also know how difficult depression sufferers find it to open up and talk. I'd just appreciate a one line answer to say he's ok. It's not easy living in a different country. We talked loads before and no doubt will again when he's through this, then maybe next time I'll deal with this better.

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby james80 » Sun Feb 25, 2018 11:53 am

depressedtodeath wrote:I have been reading alot of your posts everyone and one thing strikes me that you seem to paint youraelves as faultless even saintly.


I think that's pretty unfair.

None of what is happening in this situation is the partners fault. It's demoralising and confusing. Some people may reflect on the relationship and find that they are culpable for their loved ones depression. But most people will have had no actually impact. They are caught up in something that is the fault of neither party.

I think one of the most important thing a person can do in that situation is try and quickly educate themselves about the situation. As you say a constant questioning, laying blame, making ultimatums, exhibiting your sadness to the depressed person is very unhelpful and counter productive. Its a mistake most of us will makr initially. Once you understand it's not personal. That your depressed partner isn't doing this deliberately and it isn't their fault either...then hopefully healing can start for both of you.
Last edited by james80 on Sun Feb 25, 2018 2:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Sun Feb 25, 2018 1:13 pm

Thanks James I'm glad I'm not the only one who was upset by that comment. I'm having good cry here beating myself up over things, wondering where this will all end. I didn't deserve what's happened but I do believe things happen for a reason and still hope there's a good outcome from this situation.

Love to you all , whether its the ones suffering this awful illness or those of us who love you and care about you and are just trying to understand and help xx

depressedtodeath
Posts: 219
Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 9:09 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby depressedtodeath » Sun Feb 25, 2018 9:19 pm

My own experience as a depressed person is that whe i met my partner being with the right person went a long way to keeping me well and when i met him i was in a depression but meeting him helped me recover. Conversley i had been realativeley well when i met other partners but being with them made me ill. It could be that there is the wrong mix of personalities in these relationships where people are becoming ill.

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby james80 » Sun Feb 25, 2018 9:50 pm

depressedtodeath wrote:My own experience as a depressed person is that whe i met my partner being with the right person went a long way to keeping me well and when i met him i was in a depression but meeting him helped me recover. Conversley i had been realativeley well when i met other partners but being with them made me ill. It could be that there is the wrong mix of personalities in these relationships where people are becoming ill.


That's obviously true for you. And there is probably a lot of others for whom that is true too. I don't think it's going to be true for everyone though.

I also think that it's likely a lot of people idealise their relationships in the grief following a break up and maybe forget issues that existed That again won't be true of everyone.

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Sun Feb 25, 2018 10:47 pm

All I can say is we are all products of what has gone before. We shouldn't take past issues into a new relationship or pre-judge others because of their pasts.

I really need to take a big step back now and stop trying to figure out the impossible questions. I might never get the answers. I'm tired of trying to work this one out. Even if he does come back to me I might never get the answers but I do believe I should give us the chance to figure out a way forward. It was too good to throw away without at least trying.

Thanks everyone for all your support and contributions.

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Mon Feb 26, 2018 1:17 pm

I have finally realised what should have been obvious, I have been trying to deal with this by giving reassurance and being supportive, he is dealing with it by backing away.

Me as the supposedly stronger person mentally has to break that cycle. Nothing from him since Thursday morning. My couple of messages over the weekend ignored.

I'm only writing this here so I don't message him.

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby arwen2018 » Mon Feb 26, 2018 1:33 pm

Hi Mimosas

Your guy is displaying the same behaviour as what my ex did. I messaged him regularly but he very rarely replied. I don’t know what to suggest as it didn’t work for me. Maybe leave it longer before you message again. It’s tough, isn’t it?

Hang in there xx

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Mon Feb 26, 2018 1:41 pm

Very tough. I hate to think of anyone suffering and not offering to help. Maybe he'll miss the messages who knows. I'm not giving up hope yet x


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