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Shut out of new relationship

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Fri Feb 23, 2018 10:01 am

It's Friday again my worst day of the week because it means its another week marked off the calendar since I thought my life had finally changed for the better. I need to write this and try to get on with my day.

I've still had nothing from him other than 'I'm fine thanks'. Last week he was offline for nearly the whole time the flight would have been in the air and I was looking at the clock thinking at 8.30 I could get that call saying come to the airport I'm here and I know I will be doing the same again this week.

I will be out this evening - I have to meet up with friends who I last saw before he came over, who I said to 'won't see you next week I'll be on a hot date' .... one of them in particular who has the perfect life, husband working in UK, no money worries, perfect kids etc etc will be saying to me ' ah another waste of space just give up on him' ..... she's never been through what I've been through, not just with this one but nearly all my relationships .... I don't know how I am going to face it.

I'm not ready to give up yet. If I do I will be forever torturing myself thinking that I threw in the towel on something that could have been so good. The silence from him is the worst thing. Just one sentence could make everything OK .... 'I've booked a flight for easter' .... which happens to be my birthday this year. He promised me he would be here for my birthday. I know it's not too late to hear that and he has said he would be over at some point just 'not yet'. He will be here one day to see his family and I'm sure I know him well enough to say that he would at least meet me, but it's the not knowing. My life could turn around again on just one message because I am almost certain that if he is here and we meet we can make things right, the spark will still be there. Then it will be a case of talking and more talking to make sure this never happens again, and if he does do this again how I can get both of us through it.

Sorry for the ramble. This forum is helping me so much. This will be my record of what happened and I am getting so much help from reading everyone else's stories and knowing that you are reading mine and understand, a lot of the people around me won't.

Love to you all xx

sirhugo
Posts: 550
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:40 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby sirhugo » Fri Feb 23, 2018 11:40 am

Hi mimosas and arwen

I can totally appreciate what both are you are going through. It totally sucks seeing someone you care about going through a hard time and the feeling of helplessness can be unbearable. I also respect your decision to stick with your partners despite the difficulties its causing you. just remember to prioritize yourselves. if its getting too much to bear and its making you ill then its not worth it

I had a partner once who was very angry, could explode at any moment and was regularly verbally abusive. even though it was never confirmed or diagnosed I suspected she had mental health issues (her child was seriously ill for several months which I think was the reason). I put up with it and tried to be as supportive as I could, but in the end I had to leave her for the sake of my own sanity. I was miserable for years due to this. don't end up like me

In terms of advice I don't have much to offer im afraid. all you can really so is be patient, supportive and non judgemental, as encourage them to get support they need to recover.

take care

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Fri Feb 23, 2018 11:57 am

Hi Hugo

I have walked away from relationships in the past both before and after my own illness for the sake of my own wellbeing. Ironically I walked away from people with depression when I was first I'll, but I feel better now myself and better able to cope. Life is better alone than in a miserable situation, I am happy on my own and always say if someone is going to come into my life it has to be to make it better not worse.

This one proved my life could be so much better. I'll hang on for this one for now at least and agree with you, try to be supportive etc. Definitely don't want arguments I know he can't handle that.

Look after yourself x

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby arwen2018 » Sat Feb 24, 2018 1:07 pm

I tried to be supportive and be there for my ex. But he pushed me away, shut me out and broke up with me. He recognised he has issues but doesn’t accept he needs therapy. He’s happy taking antidepressants but not getting talk therapy. I can see him destroying his life and his children’s lives with his current behaviour (not taking responsibility to change his life, for example getting a job, eat properly, exercise. Instead he’s associated himself with people who he wouldn’t have before, drinking, womanising, being a lad). I can’t do anything for him. His family bury their heads in the sand and won’t get involved.

Hope you’re both ok. Enjoy the weekend x

depressedtodeath
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 9:09 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby depressedtodeath » Sat Feb 24, 2018 2:41 pm

Dear arwen, your ex may not be able to take responsibiliry for his behaviour because of his illness, you say it like he has a choice choice, as a sufferer of deep depression i can tell you i have no xhoice. I am too completley exhausted, i eat my meals out of the tin as i'm too exhausted to do the washing up etc, i don't wash. It's NOT me not taking responsibiliry i just do not have it in me too do more, i feel you just don't understand.

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby arwen2018 » Sat Feb 24, 2018 4:49 pm

Hi depressedtodeath

I’m sorry you feel that I don’t understand. I certainly don’t know how depression feels like. I’ve read many books and articles about this illness to try and understand. I never put any pressure on my ex. I gave him space, messaged him words of encouragement and let him know that I loved him and was there for him. I offered to come over for a coffee, a chat or just sit with him. He never took up the offers and never ever replied to my messages. It tears me apart to see him suffer and I feel helpless. It seems he is much better than 3 months ago. He seems to have more energy. He’s on Facebook and Messenger a lot. In the past, he used to be a womaniser and being a lad. His cousin told me it seems he has gone back 15 years. This is the man who told me he loved me and wanted a future with me. Overnight he changed, told me he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore, then broke up with me a month ago. That’s when his behaviour changed. I know it’s his illness and he needs to accept that he needs to get help for the unresolved issues from his childhood and marriage. He’s not there yet. In the meantime, it’s hurting those closest to him and those who really care about him. I understand that depression affects people differently, but surely it doesn’t excuse poor behaviour?

And I am sorry if I offended you with my posts. It is how I feel about my ex’s behaviour. I never intended to offend anyone who suffers from this horrible and cruel illness.

Take care.

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Sat Feb 24, 2018 4:56 pm

I think what has made me stick with mine is that he was totally upfront with me and told me he had had issues in the past, but that having had counselling, changed his lifestyle and on meds he was stable and in a good place, I didn't expect this to happen. I hope that having sought help before he would be able to do so again, or at least to be able to know how to get past this episode.

Also as I have said before, he hasn't actually told me what the problem is, I am just guessing from what he had already told me and from reading things on here, he has all the signs.

In just wish he would tell me more about how he is feeling. So many times I want to message or call and I stop myself now. I am trying to live my life as I would have done before and just send a cheerful message saying what I am doing. Maybe something will spark something with him soon. I hope so.

Love and strength to you all xxx

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby mimosas » Sat Feb 24, 2018 5:00 pm

arwen2018 wrote:This is the man who told me he loved me and wanted a future with me. Overnight he changed, told me he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore, then broke up with me a month ago. That’s when his behaviour changed.


My story is exactly the same, the only difference is that mine said he might have been a bit hasty and we would talk, I still have no idea when that is going to happen x

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby arwen2018 » Sat Feb 24, 2018 5:21 pm

That’s good he recognised he made a hasty decision. I said to mine I’ll wait for him as I waited that long, provided he continued to take his antidepressants and communicated with me from time to time. But the next day, his behaviour on social media and in the real world (witnessed by his cousin), indicated he had decided he stick with his decision to break up with me. It’s hurtful that he’s messaging other people, presumably women (his cousin thinks so too), rather than me. Whether it is the illness and it’s a distraction, it is nevertheless hurtful.

My ex is in this hole where he has lost hope, has given up fighting and has given up caring about what happens to him and his children. His cousin is bending over backwards to get him on a course so he can start working but my ex isn’t taking it seriously and has failed the tests twice already. This is costing his cousin money and time. But I can’t help him. He will have to do it for himself. Of course, I’ll be here for him for support should he reach out to me x

depressedtodeath
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 9:09 pm

Re: Shut out of new relationship

Postby depressedtodeath » Sat Feb 24, 2018 8:02 pm

In case its of any use to anybody with a partner with depression, the constant need to talk things through coming from the non depressed partner is totally draining on a depressed partner, we go silent in order to conserve the little energy we have for the basic things we do like getting out of bed and getting dressed, its best non to inflict a depressed person to numerous texts asking them to talk things over, you just put more pressure on them.


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