This is my first post here but already from reading the forum I can see than I am not alone with this problem but would still welcome some advice.
I live in Spain and have been single for 6 years. I've met a few guys recently through internet dating but none worked out. At the beginning of December I messaged a guy who was UK based here in Spain visiting family nearby and we met for just an hour at the airport before he flew home. There was an instant mutual attraction - he even joked I should fly back with him and I felt that if I could have, I would have done. He did tell me at that time that he had had mental health and General health problems but that with having made changes to his lifestyle medication and counselling he was in a good place.
I should say at this point I have my own health issues, I have ME and whilst it I much improved and manageable I am always liable to get a flare up in stressful situations.
We started chatting on whatsapp and just over a week later he booked flights to come back at the end of January.
We both struggled over Christmas with a mutual dislike of the whole thing, and he was quiet, not his usual self, he told me he was getting grief from his ex but he seemed to bounce back to normal after a couple of days and I felt theme was no cause for concern. We both agreed that a fresh start in the new year was what we both needed and were really looking forward to meeting and spending time together.
When he arrived 3 weeks ago today, I really felt my life had been made complete. The chemistry was there and I can honestly say it was love at first sight. I felt like I did with my first love, which was when I was 15, he made me feel the same and nobody in the last 40 years had done that.
We spent 5 days together. He met my teenage son and I met his son and family who live here. It all felt right. He had already been saying he wanted to come here for 6 months and we talked about that a lot, but by the end of his stay here he was planning on moving here full time.
He messaged me from the airport to say he was feeling low at having to go home, I replied saying he should feel happy that this was just the start, not sad that it was the end of his stay here. He had promised he would be back for my birthday in March, but also wanted to fit in another trip before that too.
The messages carried on in the same upbeat way but I did start to notice that when I was lightheartedly saying he should be here in the sunshine rather than working in the freezing cold he was not answering me. By last Sunday I had told myself that I should stop saying things like that. On Sunday night I didn't get the usual message telling me sleep well, I love you, so I messaged saying are you ok you have been quiet, I got no reply till the next morning, where he said I shouldn't worry.
He was quiet againon Monday ( I usually got messages during the day while he was at work) but I wasn't concerned. Then early evening he dropped the bombshell. I got a message saying he couldn't cope with the distance and he had to stop seeing me. I honestly thought the message would end ha ha only joking, booked a flight .... but it didn't. By the time I messaged back 'are you serious' he blocked me. Calls went to answer phone.
My son realised something was wrong so he messaged him. The reply he got was that he couldn't deal with confrontation and argument so couldn't speak to me, and that if my son continued to message him he would block him too. He ended that message saying he had to stay in the UK to be near his parents. He blocked my son. Just as my son came to show me the message my phone rang - he said I owe you this phone call, he was sorry but he couldn't see how we could work. He said he couldn't cope with only seeing me once a month or once a fortnight.
One thing which did concern me was he said 'I don't know if I can be faithfull' then he said no that's not really what I meant, I meant if I met so one who was nearby I don't know if I could stop myself getting involved with them. I wondered if he was still on dating sites having been telling me constantly that he loved me.
At this point I said to him that when my son finishes school next year I would be happy to move back to the UK to be with him. He said I shouldn't as I was better off here and what about my son - I said my son wants to go to the UK anyway to go to college and so it really wasn't a problem.
I asked if there was anyone else and he said no definitely not. He said maybe he wasn't ready for a relationship, he'd enjoyed doing as he pleased form the last year, I reassured him I'd never stop him doing what he wanted, and while we were in different countries he'd get the best of both worlds.
I asked him if my messages were annoying him, because i would stop saying he should be here if it was upsetting him, but he said no, carry on talking to me. He then started to backtrack saying he would book a flight to come over and talk things through and that maybe he had been a bit hasty. He was driving at the time and had to end the call due to traffic (he was on bluetooth) but he said he would unblock me.
He did unblock me but the tone of his messages changed.
I couldn't get the 'unfaithful' comment out my head. He had told me on the Saturday that he was going to a gig that night, that he had forgotten he had tickets for it. He was upbeat about it but after I started to wonder who he went with. I still have no idea and haven't asked. I wonder if it was someone he had been seeing previously and because he hates confrontation he felt he had to go, and was then dealing with someone who maybe thought she could have him back? Or guilt that he was with someone else and scared he couldn't tell me for fear of my reaction? I trust him, I have to as we are in different countries, I would have been ok if he had just told me.
I had a long sleepless night and messaged him saying I was prepared to move back, that I wanted to be with him and that to me was more important than where I lived. I'm not working here and life is a struggle to be honest. I said i would be here for him. I only got back snappy answers and that he wasn't in the mood to talk.
The next night it dawned on me that he had gone into a depression. I didn't use the word but let him know that I knew what the problem was. I said if I have got this wrong I'm sorry, but that if I was right I understood and wouldn't give up on him. I said this was going to be our year and he should be back in the gym the feelgood stuff pumping. I got back a thinking emoji and a thumbs up. That was all.
Any time I have tried to talk since he has just said I need time. I have asked if he can tell me what brought this on, he hasnt answered. I agreed to stop messaging him but asked him to just let me know from time to time that he is ok,otherwise I would message him to check. I got the thumbs up again.
We have now gone more than 24 hours with no contact and I am really struggling now. I feel I have to do something. I could contact his son and try to get some background, I could fly over and stay with my mum and just tell him I am there. This is where I need help in deciding what to do next. I know I also have to look after myself but I am not ready to give up on this, even though it's a very new relationship and people will tell me to just walk away, I can't do that. The connection between us was so strong I can't even think about him not being in my life. I know he finds it hard to look too far ahead, and June next year when my son finishes school here will seem like a lifetime to him, to me its nothing in the scheme of things.
He was very open and honest about the problems he has had but I really didn't expect this to happen like this.
I'm sorry for the long post but hope you can understand my feelings. I am sure that if I could get a physical connection between us, even a hug and a kiss, things would be on the I way to being solved, he thrives on physical contact. If we were in the same country I could get to him, from here it could be a long expensive journey with no guarantee he would even see me. I don't even have an address for him as stupid as that sounds, I would just have to say 'I'm here, tell me where to meet you'. I don't even know if he is going to work at the moment.
What can I do?
I have had more thoughts on why he messaged saying he was ending our relationship and then backtracked so quickly - could he have been waiting to see if I tried all angles to contact him or whether I just said fair enough goodbye?