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Mother casually mentions suicidal thoughts

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daughter32
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:52 pm

Mother casually mentions suicidal thoughts

Postby daughter32 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 10:09 pm

Hello everyone

I’d like to ask for advice about a conversation I’ve just had. My 60-something year old mother is visiting my husband and I for a week. We’d spent a lovely day, my mother started watching a film on TV and I was heading upstairs to take a bath.

I will try to transcribe the conversation as accurately as I can. The film my mother watched concerned teen suicide. she said:

M: this happened to me a few days ago. My partner and I took a bunch of pills as part of a suicide pact. But then i realised he hadnt taken them, he’d been lying about it. I was writing a farewell letter. And i thought, another man who screwed me over.
D: mum, what are you talking about?
M: Oh it was a dream!
D: where did this dream come from?
M: i dont know
D: have you ever had thoughts like this while awake?
M: well, wouldnt you if you were screwed over like me after 30 years?

(Context: my dad left my mum after both me and my brother were done with uni)

D: mum, what am i supposed to do now, go have a bath?
M: come on, i only mentioned it because of the film
D: i know we spoke about this before. I dont think such thoughts are a sign of good mental health. I had therapy when i needed it, its like when you need a doctor, there’s no shame. I just want to say i think it’d be good for you to see a therapist.

Then I went upstairs. I love my dad and have a really good relationship with him. She has never forgiven him and i think she doesnt like the fact both my brother and me have not turned against him. Both my brother and I have previously pleaded with her to get support. On other occassions she’s expressed an opinion that our generation is “soft”.

I feel like i should do something to help her but i also feel angry that she casually mentions such a serious thing and then brushes it off. But perhaps i should be grateful she felt she could share it with me.

Please let me know how you think I can support her in light of this conversation.

Thank you so much

mihaela
Posts: 898
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 12:42 am
Location: Lancashire and Moldova

Re: Mother casually mentions suicidal thoughts

Postby mihaela » Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:22 pm

Hello and welcome!

This behaviour must be very worrying. It doesn't sound as if she's serious about suicide, but rather a way of getting attention from you. Most people who talk of suicide are crying for help, but the way your mother brought up the subject is very odd. Has she behaved like this before? Is she the type who craves attention?

As for your the relationship with your father, your mother sounds as if she's jealous - that he can provide more for you than she can. You say you and your brother have pleaded with her to get support. What kind of support do you think she needs? And what on earth does she mean by saying that your generation is 'soft'? She sounds quite bitter to me, but without knowing more, it's very hard to know what's best for her.

amaya
Posts: 609
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Mother casually mentions suicidal thoughts

Postby amaya » Tue Nov 28, 2017 3:02 pm

I think she needs to take responsibility for her own issues instead of loading them on you. If she is also getting help and doing her best, and also would like to talk things through with you, then she could ask if you minded. And then it would be your choice. But as it is she is using it in some way. I don't find that very fair towards you. It sounds like she needs support to get over whatever happened and I think she can better talk it over with a doctor and then her own friends instead of her children. The effect that this has on you is the evidence for why what she does is not good and you could tell her that.

mihaela
Posts: 898
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 12:42 am
Location: Lancashire and Moldova

Re: Mother casually mentions suicidal thoughts

Postby mihaela » Tue Nov 28, 2017 5:25 pm

I fully agree, Amaya. Thanks. You wrote what I was only thinking but couldn't then put into words. :)

teamn
Posts: 295
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Mother casually mentions suicidal thoughts

Postby teamn » Tue Nov 28, 2017 6:05 pm

Hi

Not sure how old you are, but my son is 19 years old, so I can talk from the perspective of a parent and mother. I have mentioned how I felt to my son, as it's an honest talk with him, not a way to gain attention or anything like that, but just so he aware of what I'm going through or been through or feeling.

Maybe your mother is doing that, as she said it was the film that reminded her of a dream, of being screwed over. Yes she said it casually, so probably not much reality to the thought. Is she maybe the type of woman just to respond like that if you ask her something.

On another point, As a mother it's devastating to have end of relationship, and to then reassess your life, your feelings, to question thimgs and yes to feel annoyance and feel let down by the ex. Maybe she wants you to be a little frustrated with your dad, but not to hate nim,,and this may stem from her feeling that he's got to walk out live his life and have the best of both worlds, and kids that dote on him, while she still does all the caring. (As I said not sure how old you are or what full circumstances are) Just saying, this may or may not be the case, you Wilson.y fully know by asking her. If she said your generation is soft its highly unlikely she will go counselling, but sounds like she needs to get things off her chest. If you can't handle the way she blurts things out and she won't Change at the moment, your gonna have to look after your own emotional health and let it go over your head, or tell her to call a friend or family.

I do try hard not to make my son feel any frustration I feel towards his dad, but from time to time it slips out, but we are able to have open conversation about how I made him feel. Or why I said what I said.. if this type of thing is regular with your mum, I'd strongly suggest you encourage her to talk to friends.my mum drags me down on occasion and she never go counselling, she's also in her 60s, it's not something that generation seem to feel they need.

If however you have assess the situation and realised she's doing it to gain attention, then please don't let yourself be emotionally manipulated by anyone, including parents.



Hope this gives you a different perspective, all the best.

daughter32
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:52 pm

Re: Mother casually mentions suicidal thoughts

Postby daughter32 » Fri Dec 08, 2017 5:25 pm

Hello everyone

Thank you so much for your responses. It confirmed that what my head was telling me was right, but my feelings were very confused. It's so interesting that from this short interaction you drew conclusions which I totally agree with: that she craves attention, is manipulative and needs to take responsibility... Thank you especially teamn for explaining what she might be feeling, she does definitely feel like my dad is the one who gets all the love, while it's her who did all the hard work of bringing us up and gets nothing for it (both in terms of gratitude/love and money).

She has a lot of unresolved issues, apart from the divorce, her parents weren't loving or nurturing - she was pretty much brought up by her aunt and uncle. So she definitely has huge rejection issues... These are the arguments I used when I tried to convince her to do counselling, that she's been through a lot and needs to come to terms with them in order to be happy...

But I don't think she'll ever go because in order to do that she'd have to admit that something is not right with her. And she has a huge difficulty admitting mistakes, taking responsibility... she likes to portray herself as a victim of others. She's not good at making decisions but she's the first one to blame and rush in with 'I told you so'. She's a perfectionist, who is never satisfied until everything is absolutely perfect... I don't think she can forgive herself or others easily. I believe it all comes from her fear... She shouts a lot and can get quite verbally aggressive (or passive aggressive / giving silent treatment) quickly, but again, I think this is the only way she thinks she will be listened to...

Re my dad: I had previously told her, that I'm her daughter and I cannot be talking to her about her issues with dad. She was offended, as she said I was an adult so she thought she could talk to me. This of course made me doubt myself and feel I'm not as good as I should be, but after my own therapy I knew that it doesn't work like that in a parent-child relationship, especially when one divorced parent is trying to use children to get back at the other parent. I was firm with her, and I think she was surprised by that, and she has improved a lot.

She's a very scared, sensitive creature hiding inside an incredibly spiky armour. We had another fight by the end of her stay, but I found a book about mother / daughter conversations which pretty much described what happens to us a lot (I feel criticised for every single little thing even though she thinks she's just helping me while I'm overreacting and being horrible to her when I snap about the comments). So we both resolved that we will read the book, and we both got our copies in the post this week. She still refused to accept she also needs to change her behaviour towards me but at least I know she wants to work at it.

I didn't go over the suicide conversation with her. I didn't feel up for it and felt it'd be pointless. I don't think it's something she'd actually do now, so I don't think it requires any action. So even though this issue is being swept under the rug, I hope that the book will make her think about our roles, responsibilities and rights...

So there's a lot of work in front of us, but I am feeling more positive about it as I can see the will in her to make things better.

Thank you all again

teamn
Posts: 295
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Mother casually mentions suicidal thoughts

Postby teamn » Sat Dec 09, 2017 10:53 am

Hi

not sure when youll see this or of youll see this, as you may not use the forum again , but I'm glad that we helped, and also glad that my perspective of singe parenting helped also..

that sound like a great book and kudos to your mum, for even saying that she get the book and start it with you, that's great.. my mum or dad would NEVER EVER EVER do that, and they need a million books and a million therapy sessions. its great for you and mu,, and hope it starts the process of your relationship getting stringer.

well done to you also for being forcefull and saying what you don't want to discuss regarding your dad. sometimes parents really try and act like were stll 7 years old, my parents definitely fail to recognise I'm a grown adult been here for a few decades, my mums the vocal one an dim sire she had slight ocd, 1`wcontrol freak, and lacks empathy.. my dad, passive aggressive does that silent thing al the time, then has major outburst on me or others which are usually very invalid and based on his own rubbish thoughts that's hes had.. my parents are nightmares, my current circumstances make me remember why I ran away from home a few times when I was a teenager..

so your mum although a pain in butt I imagine, well done for getting through to her and well doen to her for at least wanting to try..


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