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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mimosas » Tue Mar 20, 2018 9:00 am

Hi Vaw and Lillie

I know exactly how you feel. I keep going back to the same messages and hoping that person comes back ... it's been over a week since I tried to contact him, in want to try again because I don't want him to think I have forgotten him even if he's not thinking about me.

I hope we all get some progress soon xx

mr.brightside
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:40 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mr.brightside » Tue Mar 20, 2018 12:13 pm

Hi Vaw

I am sorry to hear your man hasn't reacted to the news about pregnancy the way you'd expect him to. Being a man myself I can tell you that this sort of news would have made me the happiest man on earth, so I'm sure your partner's reaction is strictly a result of his mental condition, not his true feelings about you or the baby. So stay strong and don't take his reaction personally.

I hope that when he feels better he will realize how lucky he is and he will re connect with you.

Hang in there and don't give up on him just yet!

Mr.B

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Tue Mar 20, 2018 6:32 pm

Hi Vaw.

I completely agree with mr brightside about your news. Not a normal reaction and that speaks volumes about where his head is. Try not to take it personally and take care of yourself! Such a special time try and enjoy it and not think about the horribleness of your situation (easier said than done) so sorry you have to face this time alone, and im sorry that his illness isn't going to let him experience the time fully.

I've had a bad day today. Strangely it's because today and yesterday were ok with my ex. It's the days we are both in the office and we actually talked a little bit It was tough because for the first time in ages it actually felt like I was talking to the real her again. And that just drives home that we are no longer together and makes me face up to the fact that right now she justbdoesnt want to be with me, that it's over. I still.am.none the wiser about her dating situation. I think she is with that guy, but their relationship seems to just be them going to local pubs on days she doesn't have the kids. It's a completely different sort of thing to what we had (we went on dates, spent time at home, weekends with her family, going out with the kids, nights out with friends. You know adult relationship things) I guess the type of friendship/relationship (from my Facebook stalking...I know I know...he certainly seems to look like a guy in a relationship but no hint on her page and she hasn't mentioned to anyone I know) that she wants and can handle right now. Maybe the fact she hasn't told me is the guilt at play again. I suppose at this stage part of my hurt is 'normal male pride at this point. How can you want him of you know you could have me?

Another strange thing I notice is that it seems sometimes like if we have a positive interaction the next time I see her she's a bit more withdrawn again. This goes up and down.

In some ways it's good to see her obviously better than she was. She seems brighter and a bit more upbeat, that she is managing to deal with life better. It certainly seems like she's on her way out of her MDE. Although I know that's not necessarily a quick process. I need to focus on that and remind myself that her wellbeing is much more important than my hurt feelings. I'm hurting but I'm otherwise ok.

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Tue Mar 20, 2018 8:05 pm

None of which, I know, matters if I am sticking to the path I established for myself. I'm terrible at taking my own advice though!
Hope everyone is ok.

mr.brightside
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:40 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mr.brightside » Tue Mar 20, 2018 8:56 pm

James,

I know your feelings and sympathize with you... It must be incredibly difficult to be seeing your ex girlfriend at work on a regular basis. On one hand makes you think you'll be able to do something, be there for her, on the other though makes it nearly impossible to move on and forget when it's finally time to move on.

I keep thinking I want to help her so much but then at the back of my head this thought appears which says that even if I succeed, she may still choose not to come back to me and move on herself instead. This makes my heart torn apart. Love is supposed to be selfish but let's face it. None of us, wants to end up with nothing as a result of our closed one's recovery... Right?

My days keep bringing me those mood swings these days. Most evenings I somehow think everything is gonna work itself out somehow, she will calm down and come to her senses eventually. Then, mornings come and along with them, feeling of hopelessness...

Also, on Sunday my anxiety kicked in when she refused to let me in upstairs when turned up with flowers. My imagination immediately told me she was probably with someone and that's why she refused to let me in. I know it's irrational cos she never gave me any reason for jealousy or such suspicion, but in current circumstances those thoughts are difficult to fight of...

I am clutching at straws thinking that because she still left some stuff at mine (and I've still got some of my stuff at hers) there may still be a way back. But then I remember how she refused to even let me in on Sunday and hasn't responded to my message afterwards and lose hope altogether...

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Tue Mar 20, 2018 9:24 pm

It's those crumbs. It can make you change your mind over and over again. A never ending cycle of despair and hope, usually due to things that are completely in your head. I'm working hard to get over that, which is why I finally decided to give up hope. But I can't quite stop it. So for example yesterday we were the first two in the office and she actually instigated a conversation, she congratulated me about the job, said she was pleased for me and said she thought I deserved it, and she asked me about my daughter and we had a nice normal chat about her kids (hope!) Later on we had a short text conversation which started off work related but was quite jokey and she actually replied in longer sentences! (hope!) That night she changed her th profile picture to a picture taken when we were together (hope!) Then I notice a comment from this guy with a love emoji (despair!) Then today in work we were the first two in again we had a bit of a joke and she made me a cup of tea (hope!) Then we sat in silence for ten minutes (despair!) Then later on she seemed to be texting someone a lot (despair!) And so it goes on...

Working together is hard because if we didn't I'd have probably gone completely non contact. Which would have been easier in terms of getting over her, although this way I can tell how she is (I think) which gives me some comfort as I do think she seems to be slowly coming out of this, which is nice to see. I really don't think anything will happen with us beyond friends. Because I don't think she will let it. I'm still not sure if I was a fantasy relationship (I represent the stable adult loving relationship I think she does want but does not feel capable of having or doesn't feel worthy of) not that I'm some amazing guy, but she did seem to put me on a pedestal a bit, and im very different to her usual.type (who have all turned put to be disasters) I'm not sure what this new guy is like. He s probably ok tbf but he's that guy we all.know who has a couple of kids through different mum's, will always live in the same small town and spends the entirety of his life in the local watching football and playing pool. That's fine but tbh I think she'll get bored of that and she can do better. Not that I'm necessarily better but she's an attractive, kind, funny,, intelligent person who could do so much more with her life. I hope I'm wrong about him because although it will hurt seeing her wit someone else I do just want to see her happy. She deserves it.

mr.brightside
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:40 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mr.brightside » Tue Mar 20, 2018 9:49 pm

That's the kind of selflessness I'm not sure I'm ready for just yet.

We don't work together and currently have no contact, yet still I keep going over and over the things we used to do together, happy times we had and refuse to let go. Deep inside hope she will come round...

:-(

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Tue Mar 20, 2018 11:12 pm

I did that for a couple of months over Christmas and New year. It took me a long time to move away from doing that, and there are times I still get those thoughts.

Don't get me wrong I will be absolutely gutted if I ever have to reach the conclusion that there never will be a chance for us again. But I do want her to he happy. We may not have been together long but I've known her for a long time, she means a lot to me as a person not just as a partner.

Although I'm.moving on I'm not sure I'll ever lose the hope that I'm the future when she is in a place to want more than she does right now she will remember the potential we had, see me in a good place and we may have a future again. And a future bolstered by a lot more knowledge than I had before about what she's had to deal with. And if not at least I'll be in a better place.

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mimosas » Wed Mar 21, 2018 10:18 am

I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this. I sent a text which I got a receipt for some time after, and I left a voicemail, both of them from my Spanish number rather than my UK (which I think he has already blocked). Then I googled blocked numbers trying to find out what would go through and what wouldn't and it left me totally confused, I don't know if he's received any of the messages or not. They were the usual - hope you're OK etc then I said it's my birthday next week it would be so good if you could be here .... as usual no response.

I envy you all having at least some contact, I am now totally in the dark and I can't handle that. I had an airport drop this morning and was so tempted to go to the restaurant where his son works as it's nearby, but stopped myself, I really don't want to cause anyone else any pain but I don't know what else to do now. It's still a week till my birthday I keep saying I will hang on for that, all my friends are asking me what I am doing for my birthday and I am refusing to plan anything.

Is no news good news? Should I get a 3rd party to message? I need something to go on now because as much as I try to keep busy its not enough now, I feel I have to know. Its been just over 5 weeks - 3 weeks since he started blocking me everywhere, how long is long enough? His last meaningful message was I will be back, just not yet. He said he would be here for my b'day but that was when he was here with me, I assume everything that was said then means nothing now. I wish I knew how long these things last with him. I'd hate to throw in the towel if there is some hope.

Any ideas?

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Wed Mar 21, 2018 3:49 pm

Hi Mimosas

Being in limbo is the worse feeling. In my case after a month of being in limbo, my ex had the decency to come over and break up with me face-to-face. I held on to a bit of hope nevertheless, until he unfriended me off Facebook and I found out he had moved on to someone else. Unfortunately, unless your guy reaches out to you or makes some sort of contact, there's nothing you can do. You can go on torturing yourself, or you can put him to one side and focus on you. You are more important. Your well-being is more important. You want to be well and in a good place when or if he reaches out to you.
I have learnt from my experience that you cannot expect anything from someone who suffers from depression. He may come back to you or he may not. It might take months or years before he contacts you, if he does. Don't waste your life or energy chasing a fantasy. Put him to one side and live your life. I'm not saying to throw in the towel. What I'm saying is to take a step back. In a few months, you will be in a better position to decide whether you want to wait for him or you'd rather put this behind you. But what I know is if you take care of yourself and live your own life, it will not matter because you will be in a better place and you will be at peace.

I can definitely say that I'm getting there. I still think about my ex and I still feel sad that he chose not to be with me, but I feel stronger and I am getting back to where I was before I met him. My social calendar is full of activities, I've made new friends and I'm enjoying what life has to offer me.

You'll get there! xx


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