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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Mon Mar 12, 2018 2:21 pm

Hi Everyone

Ariane, this is really good news about you and your guy. Your perseverance is paying off.

Lillie, I hope the new job will help your guy have a new purpose in his life and will help with his recovery. Let's also hope that he will receive the report and it will be what he is hoping for.

Mimosas, I'm sorry your ex has blocked you. I'm afraid there's nothing you can do. The best thing to do is to put him on one side and move on with your life. Let him reach out to you if he wants to be with you. It's hard, I know.

I've had a very bad weekend, especially yesterday. I felt so desperate about my ex. I was angry with God and cried out that I wanted my ex back. I felt like I was going out of my mind. When I managed to calm down, I read about BPD a bit more. Unfortunately, unless they seek therapy themselves and are willing to do so, there's nothing anyone can do. They will go on pursuing their next victim in order to fill their feelings of emptiness, idealise their victim, devalue them, end the relationship and move on to the next. Being with a BPD sufferer is very traumatic and unhealthy, and BPD survivors (victims) often have to resort to therapy to get over the 'abuse'. I understand now why it is so hard for me to move on from the relationship. This is to do with the intensity and idealisation aspect of the relationship and sudden ending. I think I have to look at it that I had a lucky escape. I didn't suffer the devaluation aspect, where they turn nasty and abusive. If he was to reach out to me now, I would definitely not get back with him. He would have to have had the right therapy and managing his condition. I wouldn't want to go through this ever again, even though I miss the kind, caring, loving and considerate guy before the illness took over. I deserve to be in a healthy relationship. I feel so sad for him as I know he doesn't deserve all of this pain and suffering. If only he would accept that he has issues and seek help.

I drafted my good-bye note last night. It broke my heart writing and thanking him for the good and happy times we had together. It's so unfair that all of this had to happen. I still love and care about him. I hope he will read it and will remember that I was once important to him. After I send my note, I will remove my WhatsApp profile picture of us and remove our relationship status off Facebook. I'm trying to wean myself off checking his Facebook and his WhatsApp. I'm not going to lie, all of this is so hard ...

Big hugs to everyone xx

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Tue Mar 13, 2018 9:02 am

Hi Everyone

Wow you can’t hide anything from a psychologist can you. His psychometric testing result really didn’t describe the man I know. It was actually scary to read but I’m not sure how much faith I have in those things. The interview he had and the summary of that was way more accurate though. His ex was totally outed for what she is re-establishing contact with his children was recommended so all good. Back to court in April and hopefully contact will be ordered.

Arwen I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I hope things will get easier over time for you. I know in your situation I would feel exactly the same way. I’m sending you hugs xx

Hope everyone else is doing OK.

Take care

Lillie xx

ariane
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Tue Mar 13, 2018 1:56 pm

Hi Lillie,

What do you mean about how scary it was to read the psychometric report, was it a bad description of your man?
Delighted to see that the recommendation to re-instate contact was made and the truth regarding his ex has come through. How did your man's first day at work go? Have you arranged to meet on Saturday?

My guy had another counselling session yesterday, the counsellor actually told him that he looked so much better than he did when he first attended. I don't pry or ask what he discusses just ask him if he gets on ok and he says he finds it very good. He has been sharing more stuff with me about his childhood so maybe this is linked, regardless of this, he is truly committed to making this work, which is great. I am meeting him on Sunday, 2 weeks in a row, which is a treat (long weekend here so my children will be spending time with their dad). I have broached the subject of him visiting me (as he was due to last weekend), but he's not actually ready for this yet, he has told me that of course he would but when things were better. Small steps but such a great improvement regardless from December.

How is everyone doing? Big hugs and stay strong. xx

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Tue Mar 13, 2018 8:42 pm

Hi Ariane

Yes it was a bad description, if he was that man I would have run a mile 4 years ago. Thankfully the face to face interview summary was much better and more like the man I know and love. I don’t trust these psychometric tests at all, you need to talk to someone to find out who they are. His first day at work was OK but it’s not the sort of job he should be doing so he found it dull and boring. I haven’t spoken to him about Saturday yet as he was pretty tied up reading the huge psychologists report yesterday and that’s all we talked about. I’ll ask him tonight.

Your man is doing so well, you must be very proud of him for being so committed to getting better. The small steps have been so worth it and I’m sure things will get better and better for the two of you xx

Arwen and Mimosas I hope you had a better day today, sending you both hugs xx

Lille xx

vaw
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2018 5:09 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby vaw » Wed Mar 14, 2018 5:29 pm

Hi all,

It’s taken me some to to come here and share but I really do need some advice,I work in mental health service and have done for many years, however it is difficult having to support a partner with those needs. I live with my partner, however he has periodically gone to stay at mums due to various issues, he then blocks me out, treats me like a stranger but does still say he loves me. On Saturday our anniversary he didn’t come home, unfortunately he has managed to get himself involved in situations he wishes he wasn’t and at times he believes the life he lives with me isn’t realistic, he always comes back when he gets himself stable, which last time took 2 months, he promised he wouldn’t do this again, knows the effect it has on me but again he has, the funny thing is when he lets me in things get better so much quicker. Anyway on Monday I found out I was pregnant, unplanned I’m on the pill so you can imagine the fear I had telling him, I didn’t want to tell him over the phone and the plan has been that he will come home and talk so I could tell him face to face, however he figured out and hasn’t come home, I spoke to him at length last night, he can’t see a way through or how he can live a life with me and his children (from others) as he feels what he is going through takes over and he just can’t give anyone what they deserve and the thought of me having a baby when he can’t even find his way through each day is just something he can’t see or want, I do want this baby, I had a miscarriage last year that sent him away for a month as he felt guilty then because he said he didn’t want a baby. What’s funny is when we met we were tying for a baby and were so happy, it took a situation to occur where his old lifestyle has caught up with him to bring on these severe bouts. I just don’t know what to think, I believe that if we have this child it may help him focus and pull him away etc but at this moment in time I just don’t know what to think! He’s a great father and we always discussed if we had a child we would want to raise together in a relationship as we both have previous relationships where children were involved that haven’t been great. I adore him and do not want to do this on my own, he acknowledges he suffers with depression, however his male pride prevents him from seeking support from his GP.

Any help would be great,
Thank you all

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Wed Mar 14, 2018 10:46 pm

Hi Vaw

Welcome to the forum and this thread. I can’t offer much advise as my situation is very different. In my case my partner’s depression is caused by a recent situation and it seems as if your partner’s depression may be a more long term thing. It must be hard for you working in this area and also having to deal with the same issues at home. If he won’t voluntarily see a doctor there isn’t much you can do, it sounds like you have been very supportive and understanding. I hope someone else here can give you useful advice, all of us are in different situations.

Look after yourself and your baby.

Lillie xx

vaw
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2018 5:09 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby vaw » Thu Mar 15, 2018 4:08 am

Thank you for your response, yes his issues go back a very long time, I’ve had to reassure him from very early on in our relationship around so many things, he’s extremely jealous, low in confidence and very irrational at times but I have always told him I am there and will always be so even when he won’t communicate with me, it’s insane thinking that we live together but he can just take himself away at the drop of a hat with in my mind very little reason, he’s such a great person and I believe one of the things that troubles him the most is the feeling he isn’t able to give me what he feels I need, when all I ask of him is loyalty and commitment, I don’t care how much money we have or where he takes me, he’s self employed and unfortunately over the past 7 months business hasn’t been great, he’s constantly reinvesting as things seem to go wrong nonstop no matter how hard he tries and then his other situations on top of this just make everything worse, he just can’t see anything but that. I’m so worried about him it’s hard to focus on myself and the baby at present, I hate him going through this alone and just wish he would let me in. In my mind I hope that him having this time will help him to think about everything and realise this baby could be such a good thing and give him something to focus on and know that he has some importance but at present he just doesn’t, I’m an older mum now too I’m 38 and my other children are older, I think will I get this opportunity again?
My friends say he’s selfish and should be there but I know he’s keeping away because of the way he’s feeling, he doesn’t want to shout at me and this is how he’s feeling at the moment and he struggles to keep that in check, I also think it’s easier for him to put his emotions for me in a box until he feels better, it’s hard not being around him.
I love him dearly, I know he will be back but I don’t know how long this will be but I’m trying my hardest not to push him at this point.
I’m sorry things aren’t great for you, I don’t know what’s worse having someone who has ongoing issues or someone who is going through this for the first time.

Thanks x

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Thu Mar 15, 2018 9:04 am

Hi Vaw

I too find hard it hard that he won’t accept my help, I’m a naturally caring person and come from a family where people talk about problems and sort them together so this is all very alien to me. All you can do is encourage him to get help but I know from my experience how hard that is when they are very resistant. Maybe knowing his baby is on the way will help encourage him into getting help, i really hope so.

The thread is a little quiet at the moment but keep posting as there are people here in similar situations. I’m happy to listen even if I can’t give much advise.

Take care

Lillie xx

vaw
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2018 5:09 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby vaw » Thu Mar 15, 2018 1:18 pm

Thank you Lillie, your support is appreciated, yes I’m the same very much believe in talking about things not letting them fester, supporting each other etc so it is difficult in that sense. He really doesn’t want this baby at the moment, says he is coming to see me today so maybe he will, I really don’t know! I’m just looking forward to the day when he does talk to me because it’s then when I can support him and know I can lift him etc, maybe I could bribe him to see the GP say we can talk about the baby when he’s talked to a GP as I don’t want his decision to be based on how he feels right now as that is amplified at present due to his mental health? Really don’t know!!

Thanks again x

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Fri Mar 16, 2018 6:54 pm

Hi

Hope everyone is OK. I’m feeling a bit down. I asked yesterday if we could meet up Saturday and he’s just got back to me to say he’s ‘busy’, he suggested next Saturday but I have a family commitment so can’t. Really starting to feel how little I mean to him now which makes me sad. I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.

Lillie xx


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