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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

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arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Thu Mar 08, 2018 12:21 pm

Thank you all for your messages of support. It means a lot.

The pain I feel is a pain I never felt before. I have been through a few break ups but this one seems worse. Possibly because the relationship was so intense and no one has ever loved me the way my ex loved me, but I need to accept that it was not 'normal'. I have to keep reminding myself that none of this was my fault and I couldn't have done anything to change the course of events. It still hurts.

The new relationship might well fail or it might not. The new love interest might be able to help my ex get the help he needs when I couldn't. However, I think she could be on the rebound too. If the new woman is the one I suspect, her marriage has only just ended. Spells disaster to me. If she is the ex that he told me about (the one who left him for another guy), then he might be telling her that they were meant to be together, that they are soul mate, that getting together now was no coincidence.
I think my ex might also be having a mid life crisis, brought on by the depression. New car, not taking responsibility for any of his actions, not interested in his kids, a younger woman, not interested in getting a job... his cousin is annoyed that my ex made no effort whatsoever to complete the course and said my ex has turned selfish. His current job was 'given' to him by his other cousin, who in my view is an enabler of his illness. My ex has pushed both myself and his cousin away, the only two people who truly cared about his well-being. My ex has shown no respect for his cousin who has bent over backwards to get him on a course, lost money on the course and wasted time helping my ex complete the e-learnings, booking the course, taking him along with him to work so he gets out of the house. We've been casted as the enemies it seems because we weren't enablers.

I am thinking of writing him a letter on the line that since he unfriended me off Facebook, he has made it clear that he is moving on and I will therefore stop waiting for him as I said I would. I will thank him for all the good times we had together and wish him that he finds peace one day and will be able to make peace with his past. I will wish him all the best.
What do you think?

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Thu Mar 08, 2018 12:37 pm

I think a letter in your situation isn't a bad idea. I know I feel better for having written my ex a note and put down my feelings in black and white, even though it's sort of led to her telling me we can't currently be friends. But it was received quite well. What do you have to lose Really? And it might make you feel better. I also feel that when she's in a better place it might be something she looks at and remembers what she threw away (if she hasn't binned it that is!).

Is he spending more money than usual? My ex seems to have been spending money in the last few months I dont think she would have previously (she was always very careful as she doesn't earn a great amount and is the only person paying for her house etc) again I've read that is fairly typical, getting a little buzz from the new stuff I guess.

The intensity of these relationships is something I'm starting to see is also so common. Which is one reason we are left reeling! I've been in plenty of relationships in my time but never one so intense and loving from the off. Maybe that was a red flag.

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mimosas » Thu Mar 08, 2018 12:38 pm

Writing things down is always good, it stops the thoughts running around your head constantly, well it does for me anyway. However, my advice would be to write it but don't send it straight away. You'll probably change things around over the next hours/days and if you did send it straight away might regret things you've said. Write it and sit on it for now.

I've still got what I wrote the night he finished with me, that was before I realised the MH aspect of it all but a lot of what is still relevant and if he comes back would still like tom talk it through with him. He wouldn't let me send it to him at the time.

Hope this helps. Thinking of you xx

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Thu Mar 08, 2018 2:29 pm

Thank you James and Mimosas. I think I will write the letter. I will not be writing about my feelings but rather a good bye letter. And yes, I have nothing to lose and hopefully he will read it. There's a high probability that he will bin it though.

I have no idea if my ex has been spending more money. I only know that he had been talking about buying an expensive car (if the person I saw on Tuesday driving a convertible, then yes, he has spent money on a new car), buying an expensive watch, a new phone and no doubt he will now be spending money on the new woman and going out.

James, the intensity and love right at the start are definitely red flags. I will be looking out for those if or when I start dating. I've learnt a lot about MH issues from this relationship and will learn from the experience.

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Thu Mar 08, 2018 3:38 pm

I feel a little down today. Not sure why. I think perversely it was because I was going to go into the office for a meeting today and would have seen her, and had geared myself up for that but then the meeting was cancelled and I've been WFH all day. Which is odd as I panic a bit every day were both in.

I feel intellectually I am moving on. But emotionally I am still right in the same place. Still feeling desperate about the situation. Still not understanding. Still convinced she's moved on but wishing it wasn't the case. Endlessly thinking about my initial reaction. Could it have been better?

I'm seeing friends tonight so that will make me feel better. Going to make sure I've arranged something tomorrow night. I need to drink and drink a lot! As its mothers day at the weekend im plannjng to take my daughter to the zoo. Not an easy day for a single dad but one heartbreak at a time! That's a whole different well of sadness I keep well capped.

ariane
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Thu Mar 08, 2018 5:27 pm

Arwen so sorry to read this latest development. If a letter will make you feel better then I would go ahead, as everyone has rightly said, you have nothing to lose. I suppose this new situation now puts an end to the limbo. I hope are you doing ok.

James, sorry to hear you are feeling low today. I can understand the feeling of anticipation of seeing her even if you are trying to move on. The week that its in is probably making things more emotional for you. I hope your evening with friends make you feel better.

Mimosas, how are you doing today? Are you still questioning whether to make a trip home. Back in January I did show up unannounced at my guy's place of work. I just said hi, we had a brief chit chat where he realised i was not there to give him a hard time. For us it reopened the lines of communication... that being said i did feel like a stalker going there. Looking at it retrospectively he was probably starting to get out of his darkest place at the time which may have helped his reaction when seeing me that time. Its hard to decide what to do, it is a fine line between wanted to be supportive and being overbearing (i would definitely have fallen in the latter :roll: )

Lillie, how are you today? What are your plans for your weekly meet-up with your man tomorrow?

Look after yourselves everyone xx

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mimosas » Thu Mar 08, 2018 6:23 pm

Hi Ariane

I decided it wasn't a good idea. Firstly I don't have an address, I would have to turn up and try and contact him to meet me somewhere. Then there is the cost.

Second in fear he might just end things completely if I did turn up and I don't want yhst to happen.

I've decided to sit tight and message him occasionally saying I'm here for him and then closer to my birthday I'll ask if he can come over.

It's getting a bit easier xx

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Thu Mar 08, 2018 9:26 pm

Hi Ariane

I’m well thank you, my nails are a lovely pastel lilac and I had a nice chat with Melanie the nail technician. Tomorrow man and I are having a nice meal at a gastro pub followed by cocktails and music at a bar we both like. He’s been quite chatty this week so I’m hoping to celebrate our last Friday afternoon meet up in style. Do you have plans with your man this weekend?

Glad things are getting a bit easier Mimosas. Your plan going forward sounds like a good one. I found chatty, non-emotional messages got the best response and then invitations to meet up just for a coffee and a chat. It’s a long slow process but if you feel it’s worth it then go for it. We are all here to help xx

How are you feeling Arwen? I think writing a letter is a good idea too. As Mimosas said re read it a few times before you send it to make sure you we happy with it xx

James sorry to hear you felt low today. I hope a night out helps. I decided to download a new game to my iPad and it’s distracting me beautifully. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea I guess but Hay Day has me hoooked xx

Hope everyone we haven’t heard from in a while is OK

Lillie xxx

ariane
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Thu Mar 08, 2018 10:16 pm

Hi Lillie,
Yes I am meeting my man this weekend. I am going to him Saturday. I will see his new apartment and I have offered to help him unpack boxes and get him properly settled in.
We will have food and probably a couple of drinks.
I am looking forward to it, and I am glad he’s accepting my offer of help.

A
xx

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Thu Mar 08, 2018 10:54 pm

Glad things are going well with you Lillie and Ariane. Hope you both have a lovely time with your man.

I’m not feeling great. I miss my ex terribly and my heart sinks every time something reminds me of him and all the time we spent together. I feel the hurt when I think about him with his new love interest. Having my counselling tomorrow. Hope it will help.
I’ve been trying to keep busy. Went to my 1st Salsa class yesterday. All was going well until we had to do a move/steps that my ex showed me when we danced in his kitchen :(
I went to my exercise class this evening. Working out was a good distraction.

Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling down today James. It’s understandable. You have been through a lot. Wish I could wave a magic wand and all of us will be ok.

Mimosas, your plan to sit tight and to occasionally message him is a good one. Glad things are getting easier for you.

Sally, Liveahappylife and Bluebell, hope you’re ok.

Big hugs to everyone xx


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