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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mimosas » Wed Mar 07, 2018 8:56 am

ariane wrote:I am French too... we do love to chat :lol:


My French teacher at secondary school was a French lady married to an English man, who was my maths teacher! She was so easy to distract, she'd spend a whole lesson just chatting and forget she had to teach us! I will never forget her. Her husband was a sweetie too.

The Spanish are good at chatting too! I love to see them in the summer, with the chairs out in the street till the early hours and the tv on outside! So wish I could speak better Spanish and join in! Xx

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Wed Mar 07, 2018 10:39 am

Morning everyone

Ariane, I suspected you could be French because of your name. I’m not French but I’m originally from a country where we speak French and speak it fluently.

Mimosas, I personally don’t think it’s an idea to just turn up on his doorstep so to speak. It could make matter worse. I know how awful the feeling of being in limbo is. The best thing to do is try put him to one side and keep yourself busy. It’s hard but try. I’m afraid the fact he has blocked you means he can’t deal with you or the relationship for the moment. If you try contact him or see him, he’ll push you even further. You cant ask him about timing as depressed people can’t do that. He needs to sort out his issues on his own. You can’t fix him. I’m sorry to be that blunt. I’m learning from my own experience.

Yesterday I went to volunteer with the RSPB at one of their nature reserves. I cut down pine trees and made a big log fire. I’ve never done this before (I hate gardening and looking after my garden is a chore), but I enjoyed being in nature. All was going well until someone mentioned a hot tub... made me sad as my ex has one. On the way back, I thought I saw him in a new car. He was with another woman. This has haunted me since. The woman in question looked like one of his Facebook friends, possibly an ex. His not on Facebook or Messenger too often now but a lot on WhatsApp. If my suspicions are right, he must have contacted her on Facebook and have now exchanged numbers. I thought he had started to delete our posts and photos on Facebook as couldn’t see them this morning. But just now, everything seems to be still there. Maybe it was just a temporary glitch. Not that it makes any difference, but I’m now feeling anxious. Can’t stop shaking and feeling sick to my stomach. It’s hurtful if I’m right because everything he told me and our relationship were lies. So much for breaking up with me to sort out his issues. I question what else did he lie about... what were the real reasons his ex wife left him? Did she really take all his money? What lies is he telling everyone about our relationship and break up? What lies has he told the new victim to charm her?
I know this stalking and overthinking is not healthy. I don’t feel strong enough to break this behaviour. I don’t feel ready to let go yet. Help!!!

Hope everyone else is ok xx

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mimosas » Wed Mar 07, 2018 11:01 am

Hi Arwen

Deep down I know i shouldnt fly over, and I couldn't turn up on the doorstep as I don't have an address. I would go to my mum's and contact him from there, I could use visiting her as an excuse. I hate this limbo. He's not keeping his side of the deal, I asked him to let me know from time to time that he is ok and he isn't, and he promised he would come back here at some time. I know I cant ask for deadlines. It's just so difficult.

I feel for you too, I've been in a similar position with another ex, knowing he lied to me and lied to the one after me too, it's not good. I don't think the one now is lying, I just think he built up a dream and couldn't handle the reality of making it happen. I believe he can have what he wanted, with a lot of planning, but not been given the chance to talk about it, which is what I desperately want to do, I believe it could help him.

Over thinking is my biggest problem too.

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Wed Mar 07, 2018 11:20 am

Hi everyone. Good to hear there are some positives still for a few of you . Sometimes it does seem like you take a step forward then two back but if we make the decision to stick with it I guess that's the road that we need to take.

Mimosa I found the limbo the hardest to deal with. But I think the truth is that there is little you can do. If you are resolved to wait it out then take a step back for yourself and stay strong. He s lucky to have someone care for him and hopefully one day he'll see that. One if the few positives I took from my last interaction with my ex was thatbshe acknowledge my support and said it meant a lot.

My situation is still as confusing as everyone elses. I've made the decision to take her at her word that she has no feeling a for me anymore and that really we can't even be friends as I still have romantic feelings towards her. So I've left her alone (three weeks tomorrow since my last message) and have been concentrating on myself, my daughter, friends, hobbies etc. I'm still obsessing over it all but Its getting slightly easier.

I am still not sure if she's seeing someone else. She hasn't told me (or anyone as far as I can tell) and really the only 'evidence'is this guys fb profile and even then it's pretty ambiguous. But I think it's better for me to assume she is rather than live in some sort of false hope. Better to find out I was wrong this way around than the other. We were both in work yesterday which is always strange. We chatted and joked a bit and our interactions are fine. A while ago I determined to put on my own mask around the office as a way of coping being around her really. It does make things easier although I always feel low afterwards. It's strange because I can feel a sprt of tension between us, I don't know if she's nervous around me, it's almost like the feeling you get when you think someone is interested in you. Then i wonder if all this is just to push me away to 'protect me' and there are still feelings there. That could just be wishful thinking though! and I try not to think about that too much. Dating anyone else is not an option for me right now. I'm not in a place where I cpuld consider that and it wouldn't be fair on anyone I did date because I couldnt commit to them emotionally so I think singledom is my destiny for now!

Have a good day everyone. Think positive thoughts! X

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Wed Mar 07, 2018 11:24 am

Arwen interesting you should say that about nature. I do feel better being out in the fresh air. I find it helps a lot.

My Mum actually sent me a poem she read about that sort of thing (she's into poetry) which I thought was pretty nice:

When despair grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Wed Mar 07, 2018 12:57 pm

James, what a nice poem. Thank you.

Being in nature is always good for body and soul. I enjoyed felling trees and hacking wood, but one’s arms are sore today!

I’m hopefully finally going to a Salsa class tonight. I love dancing! Hope this will do me a lot of good.

My other comfort is my faith and prayers. I hope I will soon find the peace I’ve been praying for.

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Wed Mar 07, 2018 11:43 pm

My suspicions were right. He unfriended me off Facebook this evening. He was quick to move on to someone else (an ex possibly) as if I never mattered, as if what we had never mattered. His cousin said he turned down the course he was paying for him and instead took a job with the council mowing lawns. His cousin is annoyed because he has lost £320 on the courses. He doesn’t think my ex will ever repay him. My ex said he felt great about it, but his cousin thinks he was just putting up a front. His cousin said he has gone back to the person he was before he got married, that is a lad and womaniser. He said I was better without him and deserves someone better. So I’m another victim. I’m so hurt and angry. But maybe it’s what I needed to finally let go and move on. I know I still have a lot of grieving to do. It scares me :cry:

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Thu Mar 08, 2018 8:58 am

Arwen I’m so sorry. I guess you have closure now so can grieve properly and slowly recover. I am sure you did matter at the time, it’s just his depressed brain refusing to acknowledge or remember that, these people are their own worst enemies, they push away the people who love and care for them and set themselves on a path of self destruction. My guy actually admitted his alter ego isn’t a very nice person but right now he needs his protection. I do see more and more of the person he used to be and I’m hoping eventually nasty alter ego will go and never return.

We are all here for you Arwen so keep posting.

Take care

Lillie xxx

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mimosas » Thu Mar 08, 2018 9:56 am

Arwen I'm so sorry for you.

From everything I am reading I am starting to think there is no clear process in this, I am sure that the sufferers will go through many stages both on the way down and on the way back up again, and maybe they need to go through a reckless stage to realise that is not right for them in the same way that the isolating themselves is not good either.

Only you can decide the point where you say you can't carry on. I still want to believe that in my case there was something so good there and he will recognise that at some point and decide he wants it again, but I know also that might not happen. I might have to give up.

We are all here for you xx

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Thu Mar 08, 2018 10:18 am

So sorry to hear that Arwen. I can absolutely relate!

It seems clear that your ex is still suffering and unfortunately jumping into new relationships seems all too common in this scenario ultimately odds are that relationship will fail. But as the jilted partner that doesn't really help does it?

We will emerge from this stronger and wiser. Just have to negotiate all this pain first. But we will x


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