I have been ruminating a lot too. I question whether the relationship with my ex was a fantasy too due to his illness and issues. The intensity and how quick he got serious with me, although at the start he said he didn't want to rush things and he thought at first we weren't compatible. That all changed on our 2nd date, when he said it was so strange that he really liked me and felt more comfortable in my company than he has ever felt with his ex wife. But he didn't tell me he had fallen in love with me straight away. He kept his feelings to himself, as he didn't want to jinx the relationship. He wasn't in an abusive marriage, but his ex wife cheated on him and took all his money. From what I can gather from conversations we had, he has trust issues since this happened. And as I have mentioned before, he has unresolved issues from his childhood. My ex was seeing someone before me. I think it lasted about 9 months and they broke up in March last year. But he told me it wasn't a relationship as such (??). He broke up with her because he didn't think they were compatible and something didn't feel quite right. He also couldn't get along with her son. They remained friends afterwards, until he got with me in September. I'm not sure if he dated anyone between March and September, but I know he hooked up with ex girlfriends, which he said he regretted. I believe he truly meant it when he said he wanted a future with me and that he was in love with me. He invested in me right from the start until his depression got worse. A lot of factors could have contributed to his major depression: Money worries, not being able to get a job, messy divorce, not being able to see his children as often as he liked, stopping smoking, scared of his feelings for me and scared that I might break up with him, his unresolved issues (abandonment issues). Who knows?
Unfortunately, he appears to be repeating the same pattern. I'm sure he is chatting to women, and maybe hooking up with them. He can't seem to be able to be on his own for long, moving from one woman to the next. He knows he has issues, but would rather continue the destructive cycles, rather than face a painful and hard journey to recovery through therapy.
I am hurt. I resent him and I'm angry that I trusted him and I put my barriers down. I believed him. I resent him for making me a victim of his destructive pattern. It's so unfair that he will never know how much he hurt me and how much he has messed up with my life, my inner peace. It's cruel that he can just move on and continue to hurt others, including his own children.
I just want to be over this. I just want to be at peace again and I want my old happy and fun me back.
Sorry for the rant. Hope you are having a better Monday than me.