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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Mon Mar 05, 2018 9:20 am

It's so easy to overstep the mark, because the line if what is acceptable for them is so shallow. I think we've all done it!. Hopefully when he's feeling a little better he will loosen a but and unblock you. Stay strong mimosa.

I've been coming up with theories last night. A few people have said to me on here and elsewhere about fantasy relationships etc with depressed people. I think that's what I was for my ex. When we got together she had come out of a horrible abusive relationship and was adamant she wanted to move from her house (that she hates) and the town she lives in which she also hates. She also felt that her friends hadn't been there for her and was thinking it wouldn't be a bad thing if she moved from them and didn't see them again (I always said I was happy with her hanging put with her friends and I only live 15 minutes away anyway!) Maybe I represented this dream life she had . Now shes in a differebt mental state she wants to spend all her time with her younger drinking buddy friends in the shit little pubs where she lives. She sees me as incompatible with that.

Also this guy who she is possibly seeing is at least a foot shorter than me, gping by his photos. So he's probably shorter than her. Ridiculous.

It's been a tiring ruminating sort of weekend! Happy Monday everyone.

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mimosas » Mon Mar 05, 2018 10:58 am

James I have had similar thoughts about the fantasy relationship ... but in my case he already had a strong connection to my area with his son and grandkids here ( we are no spring chickens!) I'm ill health retired and he is in a position to semi- retire I believe so I thought a relationship here would have been the icing in the cake for him.

He's got other children in the uk who he never sees, they sided with their mother, he felt he had more going for him here and the sun and climate is great for mental and physical health.

I do think he was going too fast, made promises to me that he either thought he couldn't fulfil once he got back home, or got rubbished by well meaning friends, I can imagine the conversations, and then he went into meltdown over it all.

All speculation of course, and we may never know the real answers, do they even know themselves?

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Mon Mar 05, 2018 11:12 am

I think you've hut the nail on the head mimosa I don't think they do these things to be hurtful. They react purely to instinct. Unfortunately their instinct is impaired by their illness when they enter into a relationship I believe they are utterly committed. Which is Why they all seem to be so intense.

I'm very down about it all but I don't blame her. In fact I'm almost as sad that I can see the whole cycle repeating. At some point she'll get fed up of the constant cycle of long weekend benders. Or what usually happens is that something horrific happens.

Nothing will change until she finally finds the right treatment and she can break the cycle.

Unfortunately for me I seem to have got caught up in her fantasy and then discarded when her mood changed. I know I could have been a positive influence in her life but seems like it wasn't to be.

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mimosas » Mon Mar 05, 2018 11:48 am

James you can only sit back and wait, hope that nothing too bad happens to her and that when she realises you are a steadying influence she comes back.

In my case, he needs to see he can still have a life here, just not as quickly as he wanted it, and he needs to work out how he copes with the distance between us in the meantime. I'm in no rush. Even if I have to move back to the UK either for him or for other reasons, its still an option to come back here in the future. I do understand tho that people with depression and anxiety problems find it too daunting to look too far ahead but with the right reassurance i believe anything is possible. I'm still hoping. X

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Mon Mar 05, 2018 12:21 pm

You are right. I get upset but I come back to where I was before. All I can do is move forward with my life and see what the future holds.

I dont think she'll reach out to me again. Not for a relationship anyway. But who knows? I'd also be unsure about getting involved again. It would depend on how she is treating her depression. I'd like to rebuild the friendship though I care about her a lot and that wont change. Just need to move beyond these romantic love feelings

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Mon Mar 05, 2018 12:57 pm

I have been ruminating a lot too. I question whether the relationship with my ex was a fantasy too due to his illness and issues. The intensity and how quick he got serious with me, although at the start he said he didn't want to rush things and he thought at first we weren't compatible. That all changed on our 2nd date, when he said it was so strange that he really liked me and felt more comfortable in my company than he has ever felt with his ex wife. But he didn't tell me he had fallen in love with me straight away. He kept his feelings to himself, as he didn't want to jinx the relationship. He wasn't in an abusive marriage, but his ex wife cheated on him and took all his money. From what I can gather from conversations we had, he has trust issues since this happened. And as I have mentioned before, he has unresolved issues from his childhood. My ex was seeing someone before me. I think it lasted about 9 months and they broke up in March last year. But he told me it wasn't a relationship as such (??). He broke up with her because he didn't think they were compatible and something didn't feel quite right. He also couldn't get along with her son. They remained friends afterwards, until he got with me in September. I'm not sure if he dated anyone between March and September, but I know he hooked up with ex girlfriends, which he said he regretted. I believe he truly meant it when he said he wanted a future with me and that he was in love with me. He invested in me right from the start until his depression got worse. A lot of factors could have contributed to his major depression: Money worries, not being able to get a job, messy divorce, not being able to see his children as often as he liked, stopping smoking, scared of his feelings for me and scared that I might break up with him, his unresolved issues (abandonment issues). Who knows?
Unfortunately, he appears to be repeating the same pattern. I'm sure he is chatting to women, and maybe hooking up with them. He can't seem to be able to be on his own for long, moving from one woman to the next. He knows he has issues, but would rather continue the destructive cycles, rather than face a painful and hard journey to recovery through therapy.
I am hurt. I resent him and I'm angry that I trusted him and I put my barriers down. I believed him. I resent him for making me a victim of his destructive pattern. It's so unfair that he will never know how much he hurt me and how much he has messed up with my life, my inner peace. It's cruel that he can just move on and continue to hurt others, including his own children.
I just want to be over this. I just want to be at peace again and I want my old happy and fun me back.
Sorry for the rant. Hope you are having a better Monday than me.

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Mon Mar 05, 2018 1:34 pm

Rant away Arwen! We can all understand how you are feeling!

It all felt so real, and I think briefly it was. It's just tragic that they couldnt stay that person we feel in love with. I can fully understand the anger you feel. I have moments when I definitely feel that too.

I think not that gameshow phrase "this is what you could have won" . I think that's why I can't stay angry. Because both sides have been denied something that could have beenn good. How hard must it be to be doomed to repeat your mistakes over and over?

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Mon Mar 05, 2018 2:29 pm

That's a good analogy James. I wish I wouldn't feel anger. I guess it's all in the grieving process. The only way is for me to somehow find the strength to forgive my ex. I used to blame the illness, and it might well be his illness, but surely as an adult he should know what is right and wrong? Do you think they even think about the trail of destruction they leave behind them? I think not, or they will do something about it. As you said, they need to hit rock bottom for them to accept that they need to deal with their issues. But what would that take? Will they ever hit rock bottom?
In all of this, my ex's children are the one who will suffer the most and they might suffer the same emotional issues or trauma because of him. Poor little Angels :cry:

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Mon Mar 05, 2018 2:57 pm

You read a lot about guilt and how that affects people with depression. I think, in my case, a lot of her behaviour can be attributed to guilt, amd specofocally an inability to face uo to guilt . So ignoring me, unfriending me from FB. A lot of the seemingly callous behaviour. Even moving on so quickly, has guilt at its root. She's very aware of my circumstances getting into the relationship, I'm sure she knows I'm hurting, but maybe it's easier to ignore that (and me) than have to face up to it while she is still suffering herself. I do think they are very aware of the destruction in their wake. I think that's probably why it seems like they can't bear to be arpund you, or why there is such a negative reaction when you bring up how you are feeling or anything about the relationship.

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mimosas » Mon Mar 05, 2018 3:53 pm

I don't think they can deal with the emotions of the impact they have on their partner when they are in a depressed state. When I said 'you've ripped my world apart' the only answer I got was ' I didn't mean to' ..... yet he had said to me ' promise me you won't hurt me' ....

They are so wrapped up in their own feelings they lash out in self defence with no regard to the hurt it causes. Mine was the kindest, most considerate man I've met for years, until this. Now it's like I don't even exist. It hurts.


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