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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
james80
Posts: 71
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 11:41 pm

Could be that I guess. Time will tell, will just have to try and not obsess over It!

Big hugs Lilliep x

lilliep
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:52 am

Thank you Ariane and James80. I couldn’t go on hoping he would change back to the man he was, he won’t. It’s the man he was I love not the cold, emotionless person he is now x

ariane
Posts: 50
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Sat Dec 30, 2017 8:59 pm

How is everyone now?
I relented... 3 days without contact and feeling angry and hurt... but earlier on today I relented and messaged him “sorry” maybe I was too harsh, maybe I am not being fair, maybe he really cannot cope with me in addition to everything else. Although to his admission the only time he’s happy was with me and I was the only good thing in his life, I am wondering if they might feel guilty of these moments of happiness.
The message has been delivered but I cannot make myself check whatsapp to see if it’s been read.

I am thinkIng a lot and only now do I accept that of the inadequacies that make him feel unworthy of me (his admission again)... some of these I did question at the start of our relationship and now I feel guilty because they don’t matter to me. Could he have sensed it though...

james80
Posts: 71
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Sat Dec 30, 2017 9:44 pm

I think it's perfectly normal to feel how you do after what you've been through. You still obviously love him. And if he let you in I have no doubt you would do anything you could do to help him. The bottom line is that you have to look after yourself though.

I think it's the guilt that often underpins what they do. They don't think they are worthy of love. They dont want to hurt us (the people theyblovebmost). They know they are but they cant stop themselves. Then the cycle continues.

It's tragic really. I do feel sorry for my ex more than anything. Although in my low moments I then get angry. The crazy thing is that we are the ones having the 'normal'reacrion and the whole situation has come about solely due to the illness.

It has occurred to me reading a lot of these testimonies how often people describe the 'good times'as intense or perfect etc. It's almost like the depressed person, knowing they may get depressed again, is putting even more effort into their relationship whilst they are well. Its just awful and it drags everyone else into its gravity.

lilliep
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Sat Dec 30, 2017 10:33 pm

Hi Ariane and James80

I tried to cheer myself up today by getting my nails done and it worked for a while but town was full of happy couples and it made me sad. He messaged me yesterday asking if I was I OK as he was worried about me, he admits he has no empathy so I’m not sure about the worried bit. I did reply telling him not to worry I was fine.

I’ve never explained but he’s depressed as he’s been involved in a 3 year court battle for access to his three young children. His ex wife is a monster who has made serious false allegations some of which got him arrested and he’s got into serious debt paying for legal help. The case is almost at an end, another year his solicitor thinks, so it is all he can think about. He told me he has nothing to give to our relationship, he just feels empty, but try as I might to explain that I don’t expect anything from him, that all I want is to help and support him as I’ve done for the past 3 years he can’t seem to accept that. His family are not very supportive and his friends think taking him out to get drunk is helpful!! He keeps saying maybe when the case is over things will change and he’s not out there looking to replace me and part of me is willing to wait out this ‘on hold period’ but I don’t think I can.

I agree you need to look after yourself Ariane, I know it’s hard though xx

ariane
Posts: 50
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Sun Dec 31, 2017 5:54 pm

Feeling very low today. He read my message but has not responded, I didn’t expect him to.
I was awake most of the night replaying in my head all these great times we spent together. It is constantly replaying over and over...
I had hoped to spend NYE with him before all of this happened. Now I am on my own with no prospects for the evening. I don’t know whether to send him good wishes later on ... for someone who struggle with being happy sending a “happy new year” I am sure can feel like a slap in the face. They way I feel today that’s definitely what I would think.
I heard a song that he used to hum to me when we were going asleep and I have been crying ever since. I struggle so much with the fact that nothing makes sense. The way my brain works things need to make sense, my friend who knows the full ins and outs tells me to move on and forget about him, she doesn’t understand that I can’t.

I have not seen him in a month... sometimes I just want to jump in my car and go meet him. I feel like a stalker.
I want him to be well and happy ... with me

lilliep
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Sun Dec 31, 2017 7:09 pm

Hi Ariane

So sorry to hear you feel low today. My friends also tell me to forget him and move on, they don’t understand either. I guess I’m lucky in that he does respond to my messages and he’s also OK about seeing me. I want him to be well and happy and with me too. To tell the truth I’ve not totally given up on that yet, we had 4 mostly happy years, it must mean something. If you want to send a new year greeting then do, just leave the ‘happy’ out maybe if you think that will upset him, dealing with these men is like walking on eggshells sometimes.

I hope you feel a bit better tomorrow xx

james80
Posts: 71
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Sun Dec 31, 2017 8:21 pm

I know exactly how you feel ariane. I don't think this would be easy any time of year but this week with Christmas and New year's it's especially hard.

I just checked my phone and saw I had a text message from her. I got that suddenly.hot feeling and my heart was thumping in my chest. My stomach somewhere around my feet. Looked closer and it was a round robin type message she'd obviously sent out to all her contacts. Full of fake festive love. We should have spent tonight together. We should have spend Christmas together. We should be looking forward to a new year with all the potential of a great relationship. As it is I feel pretty hopeless about the future right now. To stop myself staying in alone my mum is looking after my daughter and I am going to see the new year in with friends. I'm driving though so not drinking. Drunk texting would be an especially hard temptation to resist tonight otherwise.

james80
Posts: 71
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Mon Jan 01, 2018 12:39 pm

Happy New year everyone. I hope we all have a better 2018.

The door will remain open to my ex, should she want to come back through, but for now I am resolute that I will.concentrate on myself and my daughter and the things in our life. I had a horrible 2017. Losing my fiance in January after 9 months of utter torture and then having 6 months being utterly miserable. A brief few months thinking I was the luckiest person in the world to havr found someone so soon who have my life seem to havr purpose again. Then two months of being lost and bewildered again. Well I have it in myself to be happy again and I am absolutely sure I will do it.

We are stronger than we might feel sometimes. We are loving and deserve to be loved. Life is pain but it is also ultimately beautiful and we owe it to ourselves to concentrate on the beauty so we don't get swallowed by the pain. Love to you all x

ariane
Posts: 50
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:11 pm

Hi James, all the very best in 2018 for you and your daughter. I am glad to read you so positive, the night out with your friends seems to have done you good.

I got a last minute invitation last night which I declined, I just could not face being with people. I had a sad / self inflicted tough evening instead. I messaged him good wishes, to which he replied almost instantly. He said we will always be in each other’s lives and that I deserve to be happy. I sense the love in his message. I still want to hope but I am afraid to.

Funnily enough when I started seeing him, another guy was also messaging me. At the very start I felt the other guy could have been better suited as our background are more similar and we work in the same place. Guy number 2 stopped contact early on but by that stage I had already fallen for my guy. Well shortly after the breakup, guy number 2 got in touch. He’s been in touch again the last couple of days. Maybe I should be flattered but instead I am angry because I want my guy to contact me. It’s confusing. My heart belongs to my guy but is it going to waste...? I think it is way too early to consider the possibility of someone else...
I am similar to you James in that my relationship was only a few months but he has changed me for the better in these few months


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