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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
sallyc
Posts: 107
Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2018 9:46 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby sallyc » Wed Feb 07, 2018 6:24 pm

Hi guys. Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time.

It seems that closing their emotions off is a common thing with them. I don't understand how someone can do that but, then again, I don't truly understand depression either. It's probably a coping strategy? But don't they have to deal with everything at some point?

I was going through my old posts on Facebook last night and noticed ones he'd tagged me in. Turns out he's unblocked me. Why would he do that? Why go to the trouble of unblocking me? It's got me so confused again now. I keep on going on it to see who's liked his profile picture in case any females do. I know I should block him to save myself the torture but a part of me wants to give him the option of seeing my Facebook so when I go to Blackpool I can change my profile picture for him to see me carrying on with life. Is that bad of me? I feel so petty. :( I hate what this is doing to me.

ariane
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:17 pm

It’s not bad Sally. I did the same all through December. Posted a lot of stuff to show him that I was out with my workmates, we were having dinner etc...
However I had an expectation at the back of my mind that at some point he would like or comment on one of my posts and he never did (even though he was the first to like everything before). So from this point of view I was hurting myself more with the disappointment that he never acknowledged any of my online activity.
He still very rarely does although we text daily. It’s not like he doesn’t want to acknowledge me in public as we have been seen out and about by his friends the last times we met ... it’s a strange one it’s like he doesn’t want to leave online traces
And maybe part of this is my fault I told him early on that I don’t live my love life on social media. I will post about my kids and my nights out but I am not very comfortable with relationship statuses, lovey dovey posts. I kind of think that romance should stay between 2 individuals. Anyway I am disgressing a bit.

Don’t feel bad about the thoughts that you have, checking out his page is normal human nature (I do it a lot). If this behavior starts harming you this is when you need to question whether you need to block him (I would think)

sallyc
Posts: 107
Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2018 9:46 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby sallyc » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:35 pm

Thanks Ariane. I can't see his whole profile thankfully because when he blocked me that automatically unfriended me. I'm just confused as to why he's done it. Why not just leave me blocked? I won't be contacting him to ask though. It'll be a week tomorrow since our last text. It just feels like I'm going backwards in my progress now he's done this.

I will see how I feel in a bit but if I see myself getting obsessive, I think I'll block him.

Hope you're ok? xx

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:46 pm

Hi everyone, so sorry that we are all having a tough time.

I have been upset myself. I guess I was hoping that my ex would change his mind but this evening he told his cousin that he had too much going on, had to sort things out before he can commit to a relationship. He didn’t think it was fair on me and he didn’t want me to deal with his issues that’s still going on with his divorce. I’m heartbroken and I don’t know how much of this is to do with his depression. I wonder if he really is depressed. My ex was the one who pursued me, asked me to be in an exclusive relationship with him soon after we got together, said he’d never break my heart, asked me to take a risk, that he’d always be faithful, declared he fell in love with me first, said he could see a future with me, that I was the only person he felt he could let his guard down, that it was the two of us against the world, pleaded with me not to break up with him, that if we can get through this, we can get through anything... was all of this a lie? Was I just very naive? How can I ever trust any guy again? Will I need to make sure they don’t have any baggage/issues first? Now I yet again will have to pick up the pieces, whilst he gets on with his life.

He’s still on Facebook a lot, staying up at night and sleeping during the day. I know he’s messaging people on Messenger and it could be women. I’m also like you Sally, obsessing over FB and dreading finding out he has deleted our posts, pictures and relationship status.

His cousin managed to book him on his course yesterday, but unfortunately for my ex, he failed by 1 question. I felt so bad for him as I can imagine that he would have taken it as another failure and he must have felt even more worthless. His cousin was worried and confused that my ex didn’t seem to be taking the e-learning seriously. He spent 3 hours with my ex on Monday night going through the course work. His cousin has asked him to study for the next course he’s paying for again (next week), but I doubt my ex is doing that. I warned his cousin that he might be wasting his money again since it doesn’t look like my ex is in the right state of mind to do it. In fact, I sense my ex has given up trying and fighting. He doesn’t care anymore what happens to him.

I’ve asked my counsellor to work on the healing process and on moving on tomorrow. I’m sorry if this post is so long. I had to get it all out.

xx

sallyc
Posts: 107
Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2018 9:46 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby sallyc » Wed Feb 07, 2018 11:10 pm

Oh Arwen I'm so sorry to hear.

Everything you said about the way your relationship was is the same as mine. He pursued me, told me all the things you just said. When I saw him last week I asked him if it was all a lie and he said it wasn't, it's what he felt at the time. Yeah 2 weeks before!! I'm trying not to let all this control my every thought but it's so hard isn't it. Trusting someone again will be impossible for me. He promised he wouldn't hurt me but he has.

The acceptance that it's over was excruciating but I've had to do it for my sanity. I really hope your counsellor can help you to start this process. I hope you're looking after yourself in all this as well? Big hugs and Please don't apologise for the post. We're all here for each other. We all know how you feel. xx

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Thu Feb 08, 2018 9:01 am

Hi Ariane

I’m glad the weekend visit is still on. Sometimes feel a bit “blah” about seeing my man too, normally after a tough week at work or a stressy week sorting my parents out. I think it’s because I need his love and support and I know I’m not going to get it. He used to be so good at love and support but the emotional switch off means he can’t accept anyone has issues larger than his now. Sometimes though he asks me if I need a hug and just for a bit he’s like he used to be. It gives me hope that he’s still there somewhere. I really don’t know how someone can switch off emotions like that, just not care they are hurting people, I don’t think I could. Anyway he can’t see me today as he’s got things to do but he suggested Monday so I’ll see him then. He seems a bit more cheerful.

Arwen I’m sorry you are feeling so down, I hope your counsellor can help. I don’t think he lied to you, I think he did mean those things but the depression is stopping him acting on them. We are all here for you, keep posting and don’t worry about how long they are xx

Take care everyone

Lillie xx

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Thu Feb 08, 2018 9:08 am

Thank you Sally and Lillie for your words of encouragement. I feel sadness... shattered dreams.

Hope you all have a good day xx

sallyc
Posts: 107
Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2018 9:46 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby sallyc » Thu Feb 08, 2018 7:25 pm

You're very welcome Arwen. I feel your pain with the shattered dreams. We had our future's planned out. Marriage, growing old together. Now that's gone. It is so sad.

Yes Lillie I agree. How can someone switch off their emotions? I'll never understand that. Looking back at my relationship, I have noticed that I was always supportive when he felt low or was having a hard time but when I was having a hard time, there wasn't that much support for me from him. The days before he ended things I was having such an awful time dealing with one of my sons but because my ex had a cold, he wasn't really there for me then he ended things. I would never do that, ill or not. Makes you think, is it the depression or are they just being selfish?

I'm trying to look back without the rose tinted glasses on now and I'm starting to see some negatives. I'm still finding it heartbreaking though.

Hope everyone else is ok? xx

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Thu Feb 08, 2018 9:37 pm

Sally, I wonder too looking back, trying to understand what happened. I know now that my ex has been depressed for a long time but I had no idea at the time. My friend always thought it was somehow one sided and felt my ex was not meeting my needs a lot of the time. If I knew at the time, it could have made a difference. I guess Sally, it is the depression and the illness that make them selfish. Switching off their emotions is typical of depression, leaving all of us confused.

My counsellor reminded me today that the break up had nothing to do with me. Nothing that I have done and there’s nothing wrong with me. It was to do with my ex’s illness and issues. You need to remember that as well. She also said that depression and what caused it are all treatable, if only they would get help and treatment and therapy. It’s such a shame and frustrating.

The grieving process sucks! I wish I could get it over and done with by tomorrow.

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Fri Feb 09, 2018 9:04 am

Hi Arwen and Sally

I think depression makes them selfish. I’ve always been there for him, throughout this horrible court case, there when his ex lied to the police and got him arrested, there while he was on bail for 6 months, I sorted out the sale of his house, helped him make it tidy enough to sell (it was a tip) helped him find a new place to live, sourced him the amazing solicitor who is fighting his case to see his children, helped with legal paperwork when he was self representing (hours and hours perfecting statements and mailing out multiple copies).

My guy constantly rages about how miserable and unfair his life is and how no one understands ... er right. He says the antidepressants make him brain dead then complains he can’t sleep because his brain is constantly buzzing. If I was living with him I would honestly drop Prozac in his tea every morning. At the moment he’s struggling to pay his rent, I could lend him the money and I know he will pay me back, but I don’t know if I want to. He claims he’s good at managing money but he’s really not.

He absolutely needs to sort himself out as I can’t see him being able to handle 3 small boys alone, even for a weekend. But every time I bring this up he accuses me of stressing him and won’t talk about it.

I hope everyone has a good Friday and has good things planned for a weekend cheer up. I’m getting my nails done, a bit of pampering always cheers me up.

Take care everyone

Lillie xx


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