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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
ariane
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Mon Dec 18, 2017 9:20 pm

He responded to my sorry message. Told me not to apologise, that I have done nothing wrong, that it was him, all his fault. He told me he wants to be good friends. I didn’t know how to respond I left it for a couple of hours until I jokingly responded something around the boundaries of good friends. I honestly don’t know if I can be just friends, I am afraid of hurting myself more. I want him in my life for sure but I don’t know if I can settle to just being friends.

James I am behaving exactly like you, the phone, social media etc... this is hurting me so much. I am no stranger to breakups but previous bf tend to remove from social media and block phone numbers (I have been out with horrible guys) he is reading me, engaging with me a bit... I just don’t know... how can someone says we will go far, I will marry you and 2 wks later say let’s be good friends??

When did you break up? How do you manage to keep going, I am afraid to get back into my own dark place and I can’t afford to do that...

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Tue Dec 19, 2017 10:59 am

It was November 14th.

The fact that a total break hasn't been made is something that gives me hope. I don't think you can (certainly I cant) stop torturing yourself. Is it me? Does she hate me? Have I don't something? Reading around the subject it's clear that everyone's depression and MH issue is individual to them so it's really hard to understand their motivations. I just keep reminding myself that it's the depression that has led to the break. I've moved on from the thought that we will get back together. I care deeply about my ex and want her to be in a better place. I still retain the faint hope that at some point we can have that discussion. But focusing on that was too painful. I feel a lot better now I've given her (and myself a bit of space) it really is a truism that you need to look after yourself first.

Just stay strong. Remember you Love him and hes going through a hard time. But make sure you are ok first. Good luck!

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Tue Dec 19, 2017 10:50 pm

A weird postscript tonight as it's my works Christmas party and we are both put in a group . Im steady pretending the last few months didn't happen. On the face of it we are fine, but with some kind of weird amnesia about the last few months. It's as if I don't exist.

It's very painful tbh.

liveahappylife
Posts: 47
Joined: Tue Dec 19, 2017 10:49 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby liveahappylife » Tue Dec 19, 2017 11:16 pm

I am so happy I have read this thread...it makes me realise that there are so many other people going through the same thing! My boyfriend of 6 months ended it out of the blue - with no warning. We had a perfect relationship - we were affectionate, travelled, laughed, were super close and never argued. He introduced me to his family pretty early on (within 3 weeks of meeting him) - so he definitely set the pace. He moved away (but we both agreed to keep the relationship going as we were in it for the long haul) and started a new job and has not been happy and has been down (I noticed a change), he became sad, moody and irritated at the slightest thing and said he was not happy with his job and living where he was and was just miserable. When I was out there, we had a great time. I was due to visit him the second time and all of a sudden out of the blue, he ended it. He said that I deserved someone better and that he was not good at relationships (although he has been in previous relationships). He said that when we are together, he sees that we are good for each other, but when I am not there, it is different - he becomes negative (total contradiction). He said that he cares for me a lot but is not in love with me (even though he was planning our future, talking about grown old together and kids etc a few days before). I was shocked and broken as I did not know where all this came from. His family think he is depressed because his actions have been erratic. A month on and he has not even told his family that we have broken up (his mother knows because I told her - we get on well, but have now decided to cut contact). I have had a mixed bag of emotions, I have tried to fight to save the relationship, but I am met by silence or the odd few words. Since he ended it 4 weeks ago (over the phone), he has almost cut all communication with me (he no longer initiates conversation). He says he is sorry that he has hurt me and let me down. He recently posted a cryptic message on social media about drowning in life. I care for him so much and these 4 weeks have been brutal! I have re-read every message over and over again trying to figure out what I did. But it is not me. We agreed to meet to talk in a few days...I hope I get some answers. Just so sad to see someone you care for (and supposedly cares for you) be so cold and distant. :(

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:04 pm

I found it better once I'd deleted all our old message threads. Although I miss them at times I was killing myself going over and over them like a form of self torture. It's hard to step away a little but personally I did start to feel better once I did create a bit of distance between myself and the former relationship (pretty soon the gnawing pain in the pit of my stomach and stress headaches cleared up. Im still off food and Don't sleep too well but I can function a bit more normally now). Certainly with my ex I'm having to get used to the idea that the relationship, for now, is over. She needs time and space and if I don't give her that I do believe it would be fatal for any future relationship with her (including friendship)

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Fri Dec 22, 2017 1:21 pm

Arian and liveahappylife how are things going?

ariane
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Fri Dec 22, 2017 3:24 pm

I am finding things tough to be honest. He’s hot and cold responding to messages with xx sometimes, then not responding at other times and my last message (yesterday) remains unread. First time this has happened since the “breakup message”
My marriage had broken down around Xmas time and this is just reminding me of this. I feel numb and low. I am short tempered with my children and I have no interest in acting happy over Xmas. I struggle to sleep and have tension headaches. I think back of all the times we had together and cannot comprehend how badly and quickly things have spiraled. My messages to him are upbeat stuff that I know will make him laugh or just a thinking of you hope you are doing ok. I don’t bombard him, keep it at one a day. Last message I got from him was goodnight honey xx 2 days ago

My friend tells me to accept its over and move on but I don’t want to do that... I can’t do that because whatever I felt with him I know he felt it too. I just know it...

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Fri Dec 22, 2017 7:38 pm

I feel the same about my ex. Her feelings were definitely real and in fact I'm sure they are still there somewhere. There could be lots of things going on, they may be feeling nothing right now, or they may be convinced that we are better off without them. In my case I'm pretty convinced she doesn't want me to have to deal with her issues on top of mine (I would in a heartbeat but I can see why shes might think like that in her current mindset) and Inalso think that our relationship might have been another stressful situation for her, one she doesn't feel equipped to deal with. Stressful not because it was bad but because it was good-she said when we broke up that she couldn't be the girlfriend I deserved, attentive etc. I think that the stress of trying to be as affectionate, loving etc when you really don't have the energy must have been another factor bringing her down.

It's heartbreaking because I do feel like I've lost her forever, before the relationship really had a chance, but I really do think that if
dont walk away to some extent ill just push her aeay anyway. You need you respect people's requests for space even if its very hard. This really is a cruel illness, on everyone touched by it.

liveahappylife
Posts: 47
Joined: Tue Dec 19, 2017 10:49 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby liveahappylife » Sat Dec 23, 2017 3:41 pm

Hugs to you both.

Im here lying in bed crying watching the world go by - everyone getting excited about Christmas and I just feel so awful. I’m meant to be spending it with my family but just feel so anxious, tired of pretending that I am happy. Saw him a few days ago to collect my things, it was just sad. We never argued and I know the man I fell in love with is somewhere in there, lost in this funk. Ive said I will not message him, but Im breaking inside - wondering whether he will even message me on Christmas day. It is 5 weeks today since he ended it (over the phone) and there is still no tangible reason why...other than he didnt think we would work out....even though he agreed that we were great together. Just a huge contradiction.
I just want to feel better xx

ariane
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Sat Dec 23, 2017 6:12 pm

Liveahappylife, I know exactly what you mean. I want to lie in bed and cry constantly. Only one of my friend knows the situation as my family lives away. Xmas is me and my kids and making an effort to look happy is excruciating.
Today he messaged me, he hadn’t for 3-4days. He called me Hun and told me some of his frustration and what is going on in his head, he also asked me how I was. I haven’t responded yet. I am in mixed emotions, is it right that he just texts me when he feels like it and ignores me the rest of the time. Is it right that I find excuses (the depression) for the behavior I am accepting? When the text came through, as did a tension headache, this worries me that maybe it’s too much and not worth it
Earlier on I forced myself out to the shops, and engaging with someone at the till actually did me the world of good although I really did not want to go in the first instance. It’s a rollercoaster ride, it’s hard, it’s not fair on us or on them...
Big hugs xxxx writing here helps


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