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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 10:44 am

Wise words from lillie there.

I'm so sorry to hear how things have gone Arwen and Sally. I suppose now at least once the pain f fades a little you can concentrate a little on yourselves without constantly being dragged back by that nagging hope. I feel like I'm going to be in your situation soon...Ive written my letter. I'll be posting it on Monday. I'm really scared about it's reception. I do think bringing things to a head is what I need but the thought that it might just confirm my fears is constantly on my mind.

I think, from reading your stories, that my ex is in a slightly different place to your guys. She's been working on herself and seems a lot better. Maybe not exactly back to normal but noticeably improved. She's better in work. Engaging with people better, including me. But...ahe still doesn't seen interested in my life or how things are going for me. She knows my sister is quite ill. She knows I'm buying a house. She knows my Christmas was going to be hard for me. But not once has she asked me how I am. This is totally at odds with how she was before (even pre relationship) she seems to have completely written me out of her life. Which is heartbreaking as Arwens counsellor says...the break up was nothing to do with me. When we broke up she told me not to ignore her and that we needed to remain friends. I've kept up my need of the bargain but she hasn't. For me this points to the fact that she's made up her mind about us.

I do still love her. I do still have hopes we could sort this out and start again. If we were honest and open with each other than I still think we could havr a great relationship. I'm starting to doubt whether she is capable of that though. And that thought just really upsets me.

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 1:22 pm

Hi everyone

The selfishness aspect resonates with everyone who suffers from depression. It's all me, me, me all the time. I can see it with my ex... his cousin doing all he can to get him on a course and to get him a job. But my ex doesn't take it seriously and doesn't make an effort to study, preferring to spend his time on Facebook and Messenger. And yet, he is a very intelligent man. I don't think they can make any decisions and they definitely can't manage money. Their minds are not working rationally. They take risks and don't care or don't appreciate the consequences. Just like my ex who wants to re-mortgage his house to buy a car, an expensive watch, and God knows what else. He thinks he can look after his kids when they come over, but how can he if he stays up all night and sleep during the day? It is so frustrating! Unfortunately, unless they get to that point where they realise they need help and seek treatment, there's nothing we can do.
Lillie, you've done so much for your guy. I hope one day, he'll appreciate everything that you have done for him. Sometimes I wish my ex would have let me help him. We might not be where we are today.

James, I've read somewhere that although someone who suffers from depression may seem to be back to their normal self, it takes a while for them to really be back to normal emotionally, where they can start feeling empathy. So it may be that your ex is still not there yet. It can take months. I understand how you feel about sending the letter. It's an awful feeling, where one part of you know that you need to know where you stand, and the other is scared to know the truth. I wish you all the best.

I have my son this weekend so won't be a wild one for me :lol: Looking forward to a lie in and cuddles with my son.

Hope you all have a peaceful weekend xx

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 6:19 pm

Thabks you!

Yes I worry about that too. Whether I'm doing this too soon.

The letter doesn't demand anything though. Or even require a response. Just states how I feel and where I am. Knowledge she can do with as she wants. I'm going to send it anyhow. Let the chips fall as they May!

sallyc
Posts: 107
Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2018 9:46 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby sallyc » Fri Feb 09, 2018 8:23 pm

Hi guys, hope you're ok? Or as well as you can be.

Lillie, you've done so much for him, I really hope that he comes out of this and appreciates all you've done. Hope you're happy with your nails and enjoyed a bit of pampering? xx

Arwen, it sounds like he's trying to make himself feel better through material things. Ultimately this won't help him feel better it's just a quick fix. It's like when I treat myself to something small to cheer myself up but on a much larger scale. I enjoy the feeling for a bit until the bills need to be paid then I feel guilty. I hope you enjoy the weekend with your son xx

James, I'm glad you're sending the letter although it's so scary, I feel you need to do it. You're still stuck in limbo. I was petrified when I went to meet my ex last week as I didn't want to hear that it was definitely all over. Even though that's what happened, at least I'm not still hoping desperately for us to get back together. I fear if I hadn't of gone, I'd still be sitting here feeling helpless and sick to my stomach, not eating or sleeping.

Of course I still hope that he'll get better and realise what he's done and want us to get back together and I'm positive this feeling won't go away for quite a while (if ever). I was tempted to delete him off WhatsApp tonight as I'm still checking when he's on but my crazy mind won't let me until my birthday next week. Pathetic old me wants to see if I'll get a happy birthday from him, stupid I know. I'm still struggling with why he's unblocked me from Facebook as well and keep checking that. So I'm waiting a week (my birthday is next Friday) if I don't hear anything, I think I'm going to have to delete him from everything. I have to think of my sanity.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend. xx

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Sat Feb 10, 2018 6:54 pm

Hi everyone

Loving a depressed person is very lonely, their lack of empathy is truly hard to deal with. I’ve had a stressy day looking after Mum and Dad and despite the fact he’s been online a lot he’s not even bothered to say hello today. I know it’s the depression but it’s hard sometimes not to feel he’s just being uncaring and heartless. He was out all last night celebrating his mates birthday and tonight he’s got a radio gig so he’s been hungover/busy preparing his music but just saying hi how are you takes seconds.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful weekend

Lillie xx

ariane
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Sun Feb 11, 2018 9:31 pm

Hi all
Met my guy today. I was in an off mood going to him for a number of reasons (not all related to him)
He had a big smile when he opened the door, we hugged tightly. I asked him was he going to kiss me, he said no he couldn’t he has that cold and didn’t want me to get sick. It was like a slap in the face and to be honest really affected me for the visit. He was in a good mood, I was quiet, which is very unlike me. He asked me was everything ok I told him I was tired, I was close to tears if I’d told me he’d upset me I would have cried and I didn’t want to talk about the other stuff affecting me as I don’t want to add to his plate. We had lunch, had some laughs but nowhere near the extent we had the last couple of visits.
Towards the end I told him some of the stuff bothering me (not the him and me stuff, the other stuff) and he was very good, listening to me, understanding why I felt the way I do and advising me.

He walked me to my car, told me he wouldn’t kiss me because of the cold and then I realized that it wasn’t a crap excuse he gave me early on, he really didn’t want me to catch his cold /flu. But I kissed him anyway, I told him then that I was finding reading him hard that I never knew anymore whether to physically reach out to him. He said he can’t read himself either but that it wasn’t a conversation for today. I asked him would he come to me the next time, he said yes but not the next couple of weeks as he will be away. Him coming to me means staying over.(I told him he could stay in the spare room)

I feel emotional but I think it’s mostly due to the rest of the stuff and his kindness when we talked. I am a bit all over the place.

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Sun Feb 11, 2018 10:40 pm

Hi Ariane

That all sounds very positive. I sometimes meet my man feeling a bit off. I think it’s to be expected, what we are doing is tough on us and we can’t always be happy smiles and fun. I think asking him to come over to see you next time was a good move, if it turns out he’s not ready for that yet then just move back a step. Pushing things a little is the only way to move forward.

Take care

Lillie xx

ariane
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:03 am

Thanks Lillie.
He phoned me afterwards last night. I hadn't spoken to him on the phone since the breakup call. He hates talking on the phone. He wanted to check did I get home ok, were my kids home and was I ok. He told me to get an early night, that he did not want me stressed. He then said he would talk to me today. I feel that maybe i am playing games but i do not want to be the first one to contact him today although i know that if i don't hear from him, i will message him...

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:31 am

Good morning everyone. Hope you all had a good weekend.

Ariane, that sounds really positive. Your guy seems to be able to feel and show empathy. Lillie's advice is right.

I have had a very sad and emotional weekend. Grief is hitting me very hard. I'm constantly in tears, feeling a little tad hopeless, self-esteem has plummeted and feeling very anxious about the future. In the meantime, it seems like my ex is enjoying his life and I have a feeling that he went out on Saturday night and got very drunk. It makes me angry. I feel it's so unfair that he had 2 months to distance himself emotionally from me, can get on with his life being carefree and being a lad again. It feels as if I never mattered. I'm angry that instead of sorting his issues and getting the right therapy, he's wasting the money he doesn't have on alcohol and God knows what else. He should instead be studying for his course, that his cousin is paying for. He is not taking responsibility for his behaviour and life. He is destroying his and his children's lives and future, and he can't see it... total denial. Sorry for the rant.

James, are you going to send your letter today? If yes, I wish you all the best and I hope it will be well received.

Have a good day everyone xx

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Mon Feb 12, 2018 12:12 pm

Hi Arwen

Your man and mine are similar in many ways. Mine spent Friday and Saturday out with his mates drinking and goodness knows what else, spending money he doesn’t have to spare and should be using to build a future for himself and his children. He was meant to be playing cricket on Sunday (a nice healthy hobby with nice guys who don’t drink all weekend) but was too hungover to go. He won’t be advised that excessive alcohol isn’t good for him, he just says he deals with things his way. Trouble is his DJ mates are all single woman haters and they really aren’t helping him at all.

I’m sorry you had a such a sad and emtional weekend. I think I did all my sadness and grief 5 months back when he went cold on me, now I’m mostly numb.

I’m meant to be seeing him today but I doubt he will get out of bed before midday and will possibly still be hungover and miserable. But I’ll have to accept that as any criticism won’t be taken kindly.

Take care

Lillie xxx


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