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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

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rsxo
Posts: 607
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:12 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby rsxo » Thu Jun 01, 2017 12:39 pm

Heartbroken wrote:Hi, I am so upset. My boyfriend of 2 years has been suffering from depression for 3 years, he's on quite a lot of medication for it.

Lately a lot of bad things have happened to him, his job was getting him down for months and our relationship was under a lot of strain, we were getting on ok but he wouldn't want to go out anywhere, was always talking about work and was always on edge. We had some sexual problems which we tried to sort out but then he lost his sex drive completely and it's now been 7 months! I supported him through all of this, tried to be as understanding as a saint would be. Anyway, he walked out of his job 3 months ago, which was a bit silly but he said he couldnt take anymore and that he would find a new job soon. He immediately changed personality, back to the guy i met, joking and laughing, he even looked different and we were getting on great but then he couldnt find another job, he got more and more stressed, the worst ive seen him. He found another job though and it was the one he wanted and the start date was june, and he seemed better again except that he has no way of paying his bills, rent, insurance etc. but then they emailed him and told him he cant start until july. This made him go into being severely depressed, and when he does this he pushes everyone away and sleeps pretty much 24/7. This has happened once since Ive been with him, last september and he broke up with me over the phone and for a month i was in such a mess i got ill myself, we stayed in contact, during the month and i was doing a lot of begging (stupid i know) and he was saying it was because of his depression.

I knew the same thing was coming again, he has refused to see me for the last 2 weeks, saying he needed space because hes ill again, and his txtx to me were like he was talking to a stranger (hes usually very affectionate). this morning he rang and said we should break up, he cant give me what i deserve and he needs to sort his life out and i cant help. this is what he said last time but at the end of it all last time he said he cant believe he said any of those things, so i eminded him of that and he just kept saying he doesnt know what to say, he doesnt want to hurt me etc. im in a mess again now, i said if we see eachother things might be ok and he said yes they probably would, and that he missed me and does love me. i cant handle another month like last time though, i barely survived. He txted me just now and said that we would definitely see eachother this week and talk but he cant say anything he doesnt mean right now and has to sort his life out and told me to give him space and be strong. I just didnt txt back as ive been txting him all day and thought i would just give him space.

i will do my best not to contact him but when we speak has anyone got any advice? and how much space is reasonable? i dont want to lose him and its making me ill.


Hi HeartBroken,

You've been so strong through these last few months, so I'm proud of the commitment you've shown to your relationship thus far.

However, you will need to make a decision at some point. Going in and out of a relationship with someone is an erratic, unstable way to live, and you need to settle down at some point. Either you stay with him and you both stick it out, or you walk away - how long can you go dipping in and out of a relationship with an uncertain future?

Whatever you decide, I hope that it works out for the best <3
RSxo <3

tillybud
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jul 14, 2017 4:46 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby tillybud » Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:22 pm

Hi guys. Sounds like we are all going through some similar problems.i was hoping maybe someone would have some words of wisdom for me! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and half now.im 32 and he's 30. We fell in love very quickly and spent every minute we could together,eventually moving in together properly in October last year...although had practically been living together since a few weeks into the relationship really,as he stayed at mine most nights. This is where it gets tricky. He has 2 girls,9 and 5,and from the very beginning we faced huge problems with their mum. She was obviously still in love with him and hated us being together,so made it extremely difficult for him to see his children,cancelling plans at the last minute,and sometimes completely banning him from seeing them once I had been introduced at 6-7 months down the line. She spread nasty rumours about us and even relayed messages through the children that she hated me. My boyfriend really struggled with this,but at the point when we decided to move in together officially (roughly a year after getting together) he decided to make a stand against her. He knew he would no longer be allowed to have his girls overnight because he now lived with me,but this threat could go on for years and he didn't want to be blackmailed into living apart from me.anyway we bit the bullet and moved in.this was a very difficult time for him as his time with his children was drastically cut (he works full time) so only got a couple of hours on 2 evenings per week,then a Sunday daytime.he found this extremely hard, but we just hoped it would get better in time,when she came to realise we were serious.at this point I will add that I was 30 when we met,so had the discussion about what did we both want,and agreed marriage,and he definitely wanted more kids.so much so that he would pester me 6 months in "when are we gonna have a baby?!?" Anyway fast forward to 15 months into the relationship and we'd been living together for a few months now.i started to notice him becoming a bit distant.his sex drive dropped.he didn't seem as affectionate or interested in me.i brought it up numerous times and asked if he still wanted to be with me and he was adamant that he did.i started to feel like this could be the beginning of depression,but he wouldn't have it. This has been going on for 6 months now and has come to a head. He has been increasingly distant,although promises he loves me. I finally got out of him what's been going on in his head. He has decided he doesn't want any more children. I was HEARTBROKEN. It's all we had ever wanted together,and he's been in turmoil because he knew it was a deal breaker for me,so what it meant for us.long story short,he left to give us both some space.but has never been back.we both know that if we don't want the same things it can't work. But we met up to chat,and I begged him to get some help for himself,even if we can't be together.he totally broke down in floods of tears (I've never even seen him shed a single tear before) and was in a terrible state with himself.i finally persuaded him to go to the doctors. He has been taking antidepressants for just over a week now,and is waiting to hear back from MIND about some therapy with them.im so relieved he's finally getting some help,but I'm devastated about what we've lost. He's come to this decision about not wanting children whilst he's been depressed.he says he loves me but can't give me what I want.im just having difficulty believing this is what he really wants when he's had such a massive turnaround on the issue,and especially whilst depressed. But at the moment it feels like he's pushing me away. I desperately want to be there for him and work this out,but he is telling me it's not fair for me to wait until he gets better because he might not change his mind about kids. He says he doesn't want his girls to feel pushed out (as if we'd let that happen) and worries that if it didn't work out with us,he couldn't leave another child again. I'm desperate for this to work,but also have the added stress of being 33 years old. I've been very accepting of his 2 children and love them to bits.their mum is even happy for them to come to our house now,and even let them sleep over for the first time a few weeks ago,so I felt like we were getting somewhere!but time is ticking for me.i don't have all the time in the world anymore,and am worried sick that it might just never happen for me.hes all I ever wanted,and i can't imagine a time where I would be ready to move on,never mind have kids with someone else.i just want him back,in our happy little bubble,wanting the same things. Any advice would help :-( x

vatika
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:22 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby vatika » Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:43 pm

i am having same issue with my son. He has been depressed for 10 years, tried medication, counselling everything. He has now practically stopped speaking to me, telling me to stop rubbing my happiness in his face. He never socialises and I fear he is going to lose his job which he is hanging onto by skin of his teeth. He blames his brother for a lot of his problems saying he bullied him as a child, which happened but no more than any other older sibling picks on the younger. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. I have now had to start taking propananlol as I have become so anxious worrying about him all the time. He won't join in any family events, he doesn't want me to go round and won't take any advise I offer.

chanmd
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Nov 18, 2017 7:31 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby chanmd » Sat Nov 18, 2017 7:41 pm

Hi all I've just been reading your reads on yr partners, I am in same boat been with my bf almost 3yrs and he's had a few spells where he's gone I to himself but he's always came home this time though he had said he doesn't know if he can be with me he doesn't feel anything good git no emotions or feelings at all, it's so hard to hear this as normally he shows me how much he loves me he texts every day with kisses but no babe or any other pet name we call each other everyone says leave him alone he wil come round he is at the Dr this wk I'm hoping the change of meds will make him realise that we all love him and need n want him back it's so hard as I feel sick all the time I feel as if I lost him to death the ache I feel inside I just want to go to sleep in hope when I wake I have him back I can't have a life without him as my life is him and my kids, hope done one can give me advise,

bestia
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Nov 20, 2017 8:22 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby bestia » Tue Nov 21, 2017 9:49 am

Hi . I'm new here
In my opinion this is not a conscious choice, and we need to remember that depression can be just as hard to deal with when you are a loved one trying to support somebody as it can be to deal with depression. Those who suffer depression can lose the forest for the trees, as it were, and they have so much to worry about that it can be easy to not realise how strained relationships can get. Loved ones, in turn, don't always realise just how depression can manifest itself and what behaviour it can lead to, and especially if they have never had depression themselves, there can be a frustrating lack of understanding between both parties. No person who is depressed actively tries to push people away with a conscious intention to be vindictive or cruel, but often the stress of trying to manage relationships and deal with frequent misunderstandings by both parties can result in them trying to shut themselves away, rather than push other people out.

chiaravietti
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 4:52 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby chiaravietti » Thu Nov 23, 2017 9:15 pm

thanks Bestia for your clarifications,

Hi didn't have any personal experience with depression untill now..

2 months ago my partner of 20 years (we never married butter have been living together for 20 years), spireled down with depression. His personality completely shifted from caring and supportive to verbally abusive not eating any of the food I coocked, not caring about the house, his dog..his health. He suffered depression when he was in college ( before we met) and he suffered child abuse . He cannot talk to me with a normal tone, he is either not talking or yelling that i should leave and it is all my fault.
I am feeling guilty because I didn't recognize the early signs, last year he was getting more and more isolated, he stopped being in touch with his family, didn't see many friends despite my effort of inviting pepole at home ( now has only one friend left - thanks to me).

I don't know what to do, i tried to mention that i am seeng a therapist...but he started going into a rage. Right now I am sleeping in a different room, going on with my life and taking care of our dogs. But I would like for him to get help. it very sad to thnik that's how he wants to end a 20 years relationship. We bought a new house toghether a 2-3 years ago.
Thanks,
Chiara

evelyn-
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Nov 28, 2017 11:23 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby evelyn- » Wed Nov 29, 2017 11:04 pm

I know this feed was from a long time ago, but I’d really love to hear how everyone’s situations worked out. I identify with everything said above as my boyfriend owns with depression is pushing me away. From all to nothing in the blink of an eye. Expression gone and the eyes have changed. Gave him some space and he’s come back a little. I would just love to hear if anyone has a positive outcome. As right now It’s a struggle to get him to the doctors or a therapist. Thankyou

james80
Posts: 65
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:19 pm

This topic (in my case girlfriend) is what brought me online looking for information and it seems sadly a common story.

In mid November my girlfriend of 3 months messaged me to say that she couldn't commit to the relationship as how she was feeling meant she couldn't give me the support or attention she thought I deserved. She said she was sorry and asked me not to ignore her. I knew she'd had periods of depression in the past and knew she had been feeling bad for a few weeks prior to this but hasn't appreciated the depth of the problem.

As background I should say that although we'd only been a couple for three months (three fantastic happy months where we both fell for each other hard) bit we've known each other for about 10 years. We came together after she had offered me so much help when I lost my fiancee to leukaemia. I then tried to reciprocate when her relationship with an abusive ex ended messily. From initial friendly help and support we realised we had more in common that how miserable we were! In hindsight maybe it was too early for both of us as there appears to be residual issues but for a time we were probably both happier than we had been for a long time. She would tell me how much she loved me (I feel the same) although at times it was as if she couldn't quite believe it was happening and thatbshe was happy. In fact a few good things happened to her in this time and I got the impression she was waiting for something to go wrong.

In mid October we had a great weekend away at one of her relatives. Unfortunately we both caught a flu like cold from one of the children. Because of this we didn't see a great deal of each other for a number of weeks. This is when I noticed her becoming distant. She has two children from a previous marriage (which ended quite horrobly after his infidelity, another thing she had had to deal with) she is noticeably far happier when they are with her. But she has to spend chunks of time without them, in a house that holds some bad memories for her. I'm a single dad and my living situation at the moment doesn't really let her come to me. I think these may all be gradual triggers.

Since the split I've struggled with the perceived rejection, as well as residual feelings of grief that this has stirred up. This has made it difficult to keep perspective and remind myself it's not about me. I've read a lot of advice that recommends giving the depressed person space. I've honestly tried but I can't help myself from texting her on occasions just to let her know I'm thinking of her and she has my love and support. She rarely responds but when she does the affection seems to have gone out of her replies. Single word or short sentences. Im concerned she isnt seeing anyone or taking any medication. She seems to be a little better when she has her children, but fills the void the rest of the time going on big alcoholic benders (that usually end in some sort of disaster) i know her work is also suffering.

I'm just so worried about her. And I don't know what to do about it.

ariane
Posts: 44
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:25 pm

I am in the same boat unfortunately. I have been seeing the most amazing guy for a few months. He is treating me with such kindness and love, we fell for each other very quickly and have enjoyed such amazing times together. He has told me the last time we saw each other "one day i will marry you"
Our last planned date, we were both unwell so decided to cancel it until we were better. We both messaged each other "Love you" there was no indication of what was to come. The next day I did not hear from him, this never happens... the first thing he always does when waking up is text me. I spent all day wondering what might be the issue until he texted me that evening telling me it was breaking his heart, that he loved me but was in a dark place, that he was a fool for loving someone so much when he knows he can never make me happy when he cannot be happy himself.
This was a blow that i was not expecting, he eventually agreed to talk to me on the phone: he said that he didn't want to hurt me the way i was hurt before (i went through a very traumatic / abusive relationship breakdown, which drove me into a very dark place for a couple of years). he also said that i deserved better than him, that he has nothing to give me while i have a house, good job and kids. I told him that material stuff did not matter to me that the only thing that mattered was someone that treated me right, which he has been doing for the last few months. I told him that i wanted it all with him and if it meant waiting i would. this was 2 weeks ago. We kept in touch daily with me initiating it (he wants space and "time off". While he does not use his petnames for me he often signs off with "xx" but i flipped a couple of days ago, I got very angry because previous texts of his raised hopes and then i only got silence. I am not proud of it but i sent him a very long angry message... then i came across this forum and realised that its not that he wants to leave me in limbo but more so that he cannot deal with me on top of everything else he is trying to deal with. he has told me a week ago that i was the only good thing in his life, he also said he meant every words he has said to me. I sent him an apology, i am comforted in that he is reading my messages but i will try my best to now give him that space he needs and that means no more messages. I love him like i have never loved anyone else before, my instinct is to fight for him and push for him to get back to me but obviously this is the wrong approach. My friends say he's good for me, his friends really like me too and told me not to let him go that he is a good one. He has so much people who love him, I wish he could only see it

james80
Posts: 65
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Mon Dec 18, 2017 8:08 pm

So sorry to hear yet another very similar story!
It's remarkable how often this scenario seems to happen. Now I've read around a few forums and blog posts I do sort of understand the rationale behind it. It's also depressing how many promising relationships seem to end as a result. I hope your story has a happy ending. You are doing what I've been doing too (I also sent the long rambling upset text which was just let with stoney silence!) Fingers crossed he finds his way back to you.

I saw my ex today, as we work together, as much for my benefit as hers (because previous occasions when ive seen her ive felt awful and the whole day was excruciating) I made a supreme effort to appear upbeat and talk to her as I would with anyone else on the office, and it seemed to work to some degree, we chatted about Christmas and her kids and her dog- which is th e most we've spoken since we split. I still could feel some tension there towards me. I'm not sure what it is but she just doesnt want to engage with me right now.

I'm just leaving her to it. I haven't text her much lately and that's actually made me feel a bit better. I was starting to obsess over stuff so I'm making a conscious effort to not have my phone on me, to not check if she's online on social media etc. It's helping. I'm still going to message her now and again to remind hee that ik here and thinking about her. Im resigned to the relationship being over for now, but I'd love to be friends again at the very least. I don't bear her any I'll will at all, I'm just sad that her illness seems to have scuppered what I really think could have been something special.


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