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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
Heartbroken
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon May 30, 2011 8:31 pm

Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby Heartbroken » Mon May 30, 2011 8:51 pm

Hi, I am so upset. My boyfriend of 2 years has been suffering from depression for 3 years, he's on quite a lot of medication for it.

Lately a lot of bad things have happened to him, his job was getting him down for months and our relationship was under a lot of strain, we were getting on ok but he wouldn't want to go out anywhere, was always talking about work and was always on edge. We had some sexual problems which we tried to sort out but then he lost his sex drive completely and it's now been 7 months! I supported him through all of this, tried to be as understanding as a saint would be. Anyway, he walked out of his job 3 months ago, which was a bit silly but he said he couldnt take anymore and that he would find a new job soon. He immediately changed personality, back to the guy i met, joking and laughing, he even looked different and we were getting on great but then he couldnt find another job, he got more and more stressed, the worst ive seen him. He found another job though and it was the one he wanted and the start date was june, and he seemed better again except that he has no way of paying his bills, rent, insurance etc. but then they emailed him and told him he cant start until july. This made him go into being severely depressed, and when he does this he pushes everyone away and sleeps pretty much 24/7. This has happened once since Ive been with him, last september and he broke up with me over the phone and for a month i was in such a mess i got ill myself, we stayed in contact, during the month and i was doing a lot of begging (stupid i know) and he was saying it was because of his depression.

I knew the same thing was coming again, he has refused to see me for the last 2 weeks, saying he needed space because hes ill again, and his txtx to me were like he was talking to a stranger (hes usually very affectionate). this morning he rang and said we should break up, he cant give me what i deserve and he needs to sort his life out and i cant help. this is what he said last time but at the end of it all last time he said he cant believe he said any of those things, so i eminded him of that and he just kept saying he doesnt know what to say, he doesnt want to hurt me etc. im in a mess again now, i said if we see eachother things might be ok and he said yes they probably would, and that he missed me and does love me. i cant handle another month like last time though, i barely survived. He txted me just now and said that we would definitely see eachother this week and talk but he cant say anything he doesnt mean right now and has to sort his life out and told me to give him space and be strong. I just didnt txt back as ive been txting him all day and thought i would just give him space.

i will do my best not to contact him but when we speak has anyone got any advice? and how much space is reasonable? i dont want to lose him and its making me ill.

lostlove
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2011 4:07 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lostlove » Mon Jun 06, 2011 7:12 pm

my man does the same, again and again... I love him so much I always take him back when the depression fades enough for him to remember how much he loves and misses me.. but it is so very very hard because I never know when he's going to blow again, when his shit is going to hit my fan again, when everything i do is going to be wrong again, when nothing i say or do or feel is going to matter a jot to him again.. when I might as well be dead again... so we can't make plans that stick, we can't arrange to see friends, we can't move in together or share our lives in any meaningful sense even after 4 years.. i'm so so tired of it and if I had the choice I would walk away now and find a man who would be stable and gentle and make plans he will keep whatever else blows in on the wind.. but love is something that sticks people together whatever happens
and I can't walk away from love
and I'm in love with a man with waves of depression
and I don't know how to cope
and judging by these boards here there are women like me all over the land
and I wish I'd a self help book to read about it, self help group to go to, way to stay strong when the wind blows his hard times back round

bathgirl
Posts: 26
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 11:35 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby bathgirl » Fri Jun 17, 2011 9:16 pm

I echo everything you both say. My boyfriend just told me he's not sure he wants to marry me anymore. He has been depressed for 7 months (that I've been counting) but probably had shades of it the whole time I've been with him for four years. He keep sending me mixed messages, two weeks ago he was texting me that he loves me so much and can't wait to marry me, this evening he is "unsure" . He has a problem with alcohol and has now gone out drinking to hide from his problems. "Lost love" I don't know how you have coped for so long. I don't think I can see myself in a relationship where the person I love repeatedly walks away from me and then back, it must be heartbreaking.

My partner is seeing a psychotherapist and although I am sure this is good in the long run, she is tinkering around in his brain stirring up stuff. He is such a complicated person. Women we MUST be strong. Protect yourselves. Your own sanity and health is important too. My first instinct this evening was to try and go and stay with my Dad this weekend and curl up and cry, but I don't want to worry them with my problems and perhaps sticking to my usual routine, which includes working sunday, will help. Sending love both your way.

Smyth
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:00 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby Smyth » Mon Jun 27, 2011 5:28 pm

Hi,

I have just read your posts and so relate to them.

My boyfriend of a year and half broke up with me 2 weeks ago....his depression (2nd episode) started in January, he asked for some space but very quickly missed me and relationship resumed. He also went on anti-Ds and had counselling (which didn't work). Finally have changed anti-Ds it was like he had come back to life and everything was great. A month ago I came down stairs one morning and it was like a switch had gone off in him...he was low, tearful and morose. I discovered he had stopped anti-Ds 2 weeks before, doesn't know why. I was gutted, pushed for him to go back to GP all week, whilst I watched him get lower and lower and withdraw. He refused to go. That following weekend we had emotional blow out, fuelled by my exhaustion of having dragged him through the last 6 months and total disbelief that he had sabotaged himself by stopped meds. He was very emotional and irrational....saying things like he loves me but then why is he depressed when in a loving relationship, just making me worse really. Upshot was we had a break for another week when he barely communicated. Persuaded him to meet me the following weekend....arrived at his house and it was like something in him had just died. He sat on the sofa, with no emotion just saying he loved me but then has doubts because he doesn't want to spend every second with me, can't express his feelings...all illogical and I tried to explain this is because of how he is feeling (also huge damage done from emotionally abusive ex which means he is scared to commit) ...said he just needs to be alone and doesn't know if he would want to come back to relationship - again I said this is only because he can't 'feel' anything now to know how good the relationship is etc. It was like arguing with a drunk though. He didn't even get off the sofa to hug me....just horrible.

Not heard from him in 2 weeks...I have involved his friends who are helping and are worried because he is putting on a facade like nothing has happened, but has opened up a bit about his issues (identify crisis, damage from ex making him scared, feeling low)...he also admitted to his friend that he was scared I moved in and what if it didn't work and that he couldn't look after himself so how could he look after me. The rationale part of me knows he is isolating himself and had to push me away because he couldn't keep up the facade and couldn't stop me seeing him 'weak' as he perceived him. But so hard to feel this.

The whole thing is dreadful because he literally went from the love of my life who I was planning my future with to this.....scared of everything and shut off emotionally to me so he can't even check I'm okay. His best friend is planning to speak to him this week to try and get behind the 'facade' and work out what is happening. The friend has said he is recognising he needs anti-Ds but is scared to take them... he also explained that he thinks my boyf / ex ! isn't contacting me because he didn't have a proper / clean break in January and we got back into the relationship so quickly because we were in touch.

Just want him back....feel like I have been robbed.

Any happy stories on this?

x

bathgirl
Posts: 26
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 11:35 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby bathgirl » Thu Jul 07, 2011 11:06 pm

Smyth,

I want to give you a positive response so much, because everything we are discussing is so similar, it is just so hard to know what to say or do. My situation has escalated and got worse. My partner has gone to stay with his parents for the second time and the more time apart we have the more distant he seems. I did see him yesterday and he could hardly speak to me, look at me or even acknowledge that I am a living breathing person who has needs and emotions too.

I just had a thought a minute ago which I am going to try and take some comfort from - the response you are getting from him is not personal to YOU- I have witnessed my partner behave in the same non-responsive way with his Mum and Dad, who I know he loves dearly, and they suffer in the same way.

The biggest upset I know is feeling like you have lost control of your life, you love this person, you haven't changed, it feels like this is "being done to you". I am trying to work towards steps that make me feel like I am taking a bit of control for myself- I have set myself a target of September to see some kind of improvement in our situation, if there is isn't (and this will be hopefully after we have tried couple's counselling, medication, and psychotherapy) then I know I will have to make a decision. Thinking of you and understanding your hurt. x

Smyth
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:00 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby Smyth » Tue Jul 12, 2011 11:07 am

Hi bathgirl,

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

Life is certainly tough at the moment....my XDBF came to see me a week ago. It was like he was emotionally dead / different person ...he said he doesn't love me and trying to love me was the pressure he was feeling under....I couldn't believe it! It was like he was a different person, cold and emotionally withdrawn. I have been through break ups before and this was so far removed from what is 'normal' it was unbelievable....at no point did he say sorry for hurting me, or say it was him not me, that I'm a great person but his feelings had changed...nothing just I don't love that's it. It was almost like he didn't know who he was talking to if that makes any sense?

I am just devestated...I know in my rationale mind that the depression has caused this and I don't think he loves anything in the world but he can't see that correlation at all. I have read enough about depression to know at the moment he probably doesn't 'feel' like he loves me that his distorted thinking will be along the lines of "how can I be in love and have depression"..."I can't express my feelings for her so is it really love" etc...planting more and more doubts.

I can't believe that depression is robbing me of this man at the moment...when he was 'well' he wanted a future with me and when depressed he announces he doesn't love me but can't see any connection. Right now I am broken but trying desperately to pick myself and get myself back to the girl he first met and fell in love with as much for my own self-preservation as anythig.... I have been fortunate that his friends are still being supportive of me...but as I'm sure you will appreciate depressed people have an amazing way of putting on a 'mask' for others and it's only the ones in relationships with them that see the full effects of the illness. Right now I am keeping my 'hope' in a box which I will revist every few weeks and speak to his friends to see how things are....

This illness is devestating but I'm not ready to accept it is going to win....now hoping he will get to that realisation too.

Thinking of everyone on this forum,

xx

LadyKeldana
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2011 4:25 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby LadyKeldana » Tue Jul 12, 2011 2:33 pm

Hey girls,

I thought'd i jump in with my side, as i'm the one with depression in my relationship. Unfortunately, far from pushing him away i'm pretty much dependant on him, but i thought i'd try and put down how the thought process works for us, just to see if it helps.
you know the old "if you love something, set it free" saying? (If its yours it will come back to you, if not it was never truely meant to be) well i love my other half to pieces. i really do. don't know what i'd do without him and happily intend to spend the rest of my life with him.
BUT
on my low days i wish he'd just leave me. i spend half of the time convinced he's going to and the other half wishing he would because he's too good for me and i don't deserve him. I'm just dragging him down with me when he should just go find a normal decent girl to be with.

so thats just whats going through our minds when we push you away. Sorry if thats not much help, just thought it might be useful.
i really hope you all manage to work it out, i know its really hard, and also remember that a lot of people who's partners have depressio end up depressed themselves so make sure you take care of yourself too.

jrb1971
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 4:00 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby jrb1971 » Tue Jul 12, 2011 4:28 pm

Hi there

I'm taking some comfort from all of your posts, particularly Ladykeldana's so thank you.

I've been with my girlfriend for a year just over and am right in the middle of one of her dark phases. They've so far, coincidence or not I don't know, seemed to occur at key times (xmas and her birthday) and can last for a couple of weeks. She tells me the cause is frustration at her work but for the first time she's now telling me that its our relationship as well that's causing her to be down and "irritated" as you puts it. What's hard to accept is, it was only 2 weeks ago she was texting me about how much she loved me and was so lucky to have me in her life and nothing has happened in those weeks since that I can work out that would justify the change in her feelings. She said to me last night that she felt suffocated, not by me but by herself and needed space, something that seems common. She stopped just short of finishing with me completely but the writing appears to be on the wall, all i hope is that once the fog clears she will retract what she has said. She acknowledges that she's unreasonable and not being fair on me but "that's just how she is at the minute". She doesn't really acknowledge that she's depressed in the full sense, i.e that its an illness and it needs addressing, she's just using the word depression in the loose term just as an expression of how she's feeling. I need to get her to see someone but the fear of her withdrawing further right now at the suggestion of it is a worry, as is the thought of suggesting it when she's ok and "rocking the boat" .

Smyth
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:00 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby Smyth » Wed Jul 13, 2011 10:19 am

Hi Jrb,

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time too.

Think one of the hardest things with dealing with the depression is the speed at which people can change their feelings of perspective of situations....within 3 weeks my xDBF went from loving me and 'not wanting to throw' the towel in to saying I don't love you...but not able to give any clarification to it...essentially because there is none.

What I would say is that even if the worse case scenario does happen and she breaks up with you, you must remember it is the depression and not her in a rationale state reacting to you...also as many of us on this forum feel that doesn't necessarily mean the end, unfortunately just another big bump in the rocky road. So keep your faith whatever happens....

Lostlove - I wondered if you would mind me asking you a couple of questions about your situation...when your boyfriend has left you what point is he at when he does this i.e does he get to the point when he is questioning his feelings etc and if so what happens to him during the period that he is away that brings him back?

Thinking of you all,

S

bathgirl
Posts: 26
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 11:35 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby bathgirl » Sat Jul 30, 2011 5:29 pm

Everyone and Lady kIldana in particular it really does help reading your thoughts on here, thanks for sharing them. In a very passive way my fiance effectively ended our relationship last weekend. It began with him saying he could not come on holiday with me- I went on my own. When I returned he picked me up from the airport and took me back to our flat where he has not stayed for a month really. He was withdrawn and not really communicative, which has been the downward spiral for the past two months, I was very tired from my flight and didn't really want to engage in any conversation about our situation but I made the mistake of saying 'Don't worry, xxxx, you WILL feel happy again, you must believe it' This illicited the response ' I really think that it is because of us" . He went on to say that he has always felt that something was missing and not right, but he had pushed the niggle away, but his therapist had made him see that is was a big thing not a small thing. he cannot explain to me just what this 'missing' thing is. My response was calm but really disbelief, why would you ask someone to move in with you, then two years later propose (asking my dad for my hand in marriage in secret), and even up to a month or so ago send me texts saying you love me more than anything and can't wait to marry me and start a family to then turn around and say that all along you thought things weren't right??? He had agreed to go to joint counselling with me and when I raised this again as a final attempt at trying to salvage things he said 'i don't know' and i said 'well that kind of says it all doesn't it, if you're not willing to even try.' to which he said, 'i have been trying'. No you have been having therapy for YOU, about YOU about YOUR needs and wants. A relationship is about two people.


I have spent nine months bending over backwards to try anything to support him and he has messed with my head. i have not spoke to him for a week now and he has text me nearly every day- stupid banal messages about the weather and our friends having a baby, which I have not responded to- guilt texts.

Sorry to vent and write things down word for word, it helps to get it out. I have been on auto pilot for the past week after spending days crying. Now i just feel numb and sick at the thought of what lies ahead.


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