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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mimosas » Thu Mar 08, 2018 11:18 pm

This came up on Facebook today. It might look a bit simplistic but I found myself agreeing with almost all of the points so I thought I'd post it here .....

http://iheartintelligence.com/2016/12/1 ... e-anxiety/

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Fri Mar 09, 2018 12:49 am

Thanks Arwen. A magic wand would be great!

Just had one of those days when you think about a lot of stuff I guess. I'm ploughing through an 180 odd page thread about this on uncommon forum. I'm not sure it's healthy to obsess over the subject really but it's been interesting reading all the stories on there (it's an old thread from about 7 years ago) it's a lot like this thread and there are successes and failures on there like on here. I think I've reached a point where I've gathered as much knowledge as I can on this subject. But I still don't really understand (when though the answer is usually 'because depression') how things can change so quickly. How 4 months ago she was so loving and so sure of our future and now she's like a stranger and possibly moved onto the next person. From reading input from depressed people I sometimes wonder whether my thinking is off. That it's not That I don't mean anything to her any more (as I think) in fact I still mean a great deal. But that's the problem. Now she knows she's hurt me. She feels guilt for that. But equally she can't feel those feelings she used to have for me. She might know they were there and maybe still are. But she can't access them. The only emotion I give her is the guilt. Being with someone else is a way to feel better about herself without the guilt. Or maybe she's not in another relationship. Maybe she's just spending time with friends and my jealousy won't let me see it for what it is. It's all a load of unknowns and my head fills on the blanks. And the emotions is gives me make me feel worse and if I passed them onto her would not help her one bit. I have to constantly remind myself thatbshe is I'll. She may be recovering but as I care about her I can't hurt that process just to make me feel a bit better. I'm not ill.

I also know what I have to do. Move on and be happy. That way there are two possible outcomes. One I move on maybe meet someone else and I'm happy. Or I am happy on my own and maybe my happiness is a catalyst for her to overcome the guilt and reestablish contact. Maybe there is reconciliation and maybe not. But there is an ending and we can both move on from there. If I move on and feel better again there is only positive outcomes. Sitting around in pain helps no-one, not me and not her.

Fingers crossed I have a better day tomorrow. If I could somehow think of her less this weekend that would be great!

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Sat Mar 10, 2018 11:21 am

Hi everyone

Hope things are feeling a little brighter for you all today. I wish I had a magic wand too, I would happily share it with you all. Yesterday was OK, he also suffers from anxiety and he recognised he was anxious about a lot of things, he was affectionate but distant. The psychologists report for his case didn’t get submittted on time and his solicitor said he won’t chase it until Monday. He’s desperate to see it and more waiting is torture plus I think he wanted me there when he got it. The agency changed the content of his job a little so we had to go last minute shopping for safety boots and work wear. He’s got lots of things to sort now he’s working and he doesn’t do well with pressure. He’s worried his children will reject him because the emotional damage done by his ex can’t be reversed. We had a nice meal, his friends kept bugging him to come over and play music and get drunk but he turned them down. I really wanted to stay and comfort him and help with all things he has to do but there was no offer so I stayed as long as I could and caught the last train home. I did broach the subject of when I would see him now he’s working and he seemed to want to carry on meeting up at the weekend so a positive there at least.

Take care everyone

Lillie xxx

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Sat Mar 10, 2018 1:45 pm

Hi everyone

Lillie, it’s positive that your guy still wants to meet you at weekends.

James, I try to stop researching and reading on depression but can’t help doing it as although the answer is obvious, I’m still desperately trying to make sense of it all. I think my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder, which would explain the intensity of his love, getting attached quickly to me soon after us meeting, thinking we were soul mate, putting me on a pedestal and ending the relationship in fear of abandonment. So at the beginning there was ‘idealisation’ until he realised that I wasn’t ‘perfect’ or the honeymoon period ended for him. I was then devalued. Then moving on to another person soon after the break up to fill in the void and to try regain the feeling of euphoria of a new relationship. So the cycle repeats itself and will continue until he gets the right therapy. Depression and anxiety are also associated with BPD.
I found this from someone who suffers from BPD:

‘If the person with BPD initiated the breakup, then they have already forgotten the other person and moved on. That is because the partner has already been Devalued and is now viewed as always having been a terrible person who is not worth their time and whom they never really loved (the entire relationship is forgotten in an instant and replaced with a false narrative).’

It’s the illness I know but I can’t help taking it personally. It hurts that I and our relationship have been forgotten. So, it looks like there’s no hope of my ex ever remembering how much he loved me or what our relationship was like. There’s no hope of him ever reaching out to me again :cry:

Communication and setting boundaries are important in relationships with BPD sufferers. If I knew, maybe we would still be together. Lots of ‘ifs’. With hindsight, a lot would be possible.

Hope you all have a peaceful Saturday xx

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:50 pm

That's interesting Arwen. I have read elsewhere that BPD is notoriously harm to diagnose though as it shares so many common traits with other mental illnesses.

I am probably not going to be on here much from now on. I'm going to try and get off this depression train. I'm getting a bit obsessed with it all. I'll pop back now and again to see how everyone is getting on. You've all been such massive helps and I appreciate you all so much.

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Sat Mar 10, 2018 7:02 pm

That’s probably why my ex was diagnosed as depressed but not BPD. I remember my ex said his psychiatrist said he could be borderline but my ex took it as borderline bipolar. Maybe his psychiatrist meant BPD.

I don’t blame you James. I hope you find the peace and happiness that you deserve. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts with us and for your much needed support and advice.

All the best for the future. Let us know from time to time how you are getting on. You will be missed. Take care xx

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mimosas » Sun Mar 11, 2018 12:29 am

James I understand how you feel and hope you can move on and be happy. These situations are dragging us down and none of us deserve it, if we were the type of people who didn't care we would have just given up and walked away but we aren't like that, we still care and we are the ones hurting.

I've been out tonight with friends who are going back to the UK tomorrow, I've worn perfume he loved for the first time since he left, sung karaoke for the first time since he left when we had songs lined up to sing together, and my friend has said he wants to introduce me to his friend whomis single ... and i have said yes. I don't know where my head is. If I wasn't writing this I'd be crying and texting him.

I am so messed up now and I feel this is the only place where there are people who understand .... I just want the closeness we had cos I know that would fix this

ariane
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Sun Mar 11, 2018 6:38 am

James, wishing you the very best you deserve it xx

Mimosas, Arwen I hope today is a better day.

Lillie, I hope the psychologist report is positive and delivered promptly on Monday and that you manage to get some time with your man at the wkend. It’s positive he picked you over his friends this time. Hope his first day at work Monday goes well.

I had a very nice time with my guy yesterday. I no longer feel like I am pussy footing around him, for instance if I’d like a hug I now ask him as opposed to waiting and hoping he offers. He showed me his new accommodation, we went for a walk, had lunch and watched the rugby. He’s on his meds about 3 weeks now and they are definitely working. He’s adjusting to a new sleeping pattern that no longer involves suicidal thoughts and he finds his counselling sessions very good. He’s opened up to family members now as well as his original support network that consisted of 6 of us. The next step is for him to find a new job, something he wants to start doing pretty soon. There was a lot of affection yesterday, we held hands on our walk (I instigated but he did not move away), he was looking at me the way he used to. After he walked me to my car, it took us 20min to say goodbye neither of us wanting to move away, basically just hugging and kissing like teenagers. The passion is definitely coming back.

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Mon Mar 12, 2018 9:03 am

Hi Ariane

I’m glad you had a nice day, really wish my man would try medication but he just won’t. He started his new job today, he’s not allowed to use his phone as he’s working with highly confidential documents. I sent him a good luck message early this morning and he sent a reply back. We had a long chat on Skype last night and he’s so worried about the psychologists report and dreading having to deal with it alone. I’ve told him I’m here for him and he can call me at lunchtime if he needs support (he’s allowed to use his phone at lunchtime). He’s been let down so many times before by reports from so called ‘professionals’, I’m just hoping this one finally exposes his ex for what she really is.

I read an interesting article at the weekend written by a relationship counsellor. She said that when a relationship breaks down, for whatever reason, it can’t go back to what it was as one or both of the parties will perceive that what it was wasn’t working. You have to rediscover your relationship and build a new one. I have noticed that we now go to places we didn’t go to before and we do different things to what we used to. We definately can’t move on too far until this case is over but maybe we are on the right path. Maybe I’m reading too much into it ... who knows.

Arwen and Mimosas I hope you feel a bit brighter today. Sending you both hugs xx

James I’m sorry to see you go but it’s probably for the best. Good luck with eveything xx

I hope those we haven’t heard from in a while are doing OK xx

Take care everyone

Lillie xx

mimosas
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:37 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby mimosas » Mon Mar 12, 2018 9:29 am

Thanks Lillie

I think he has blocked my phone number now too as I haven't had a receipt for an sms.

I feel like I have caused this now. There is no way left open to contact him.

I didn't deserve this. It's 4 weeks today since he said we were over ... that day he said he would think about things, just over 3 weeks ago he said he'd be back, just not yet .... am I expecting too much too soon? This feels like its been the longest 4 weeks of my life. Really don't know what to do without turning into a total stalker..

Do I just go on what I last heard?


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