How do you cope with the constantly changing moods?

[hanzipan]

My boyfriend has been very low for the last few months; barely wants to do anything other than sit on his PC, sex drive has almost vanished, and worst of all each day I don't know what mood he's going to wake up in.

The last two days he has woken up in a foul mood, angry over nothing at all, and refused to speak to anyone (including me) all day. When he dropped me off at work he effectively kicked me out of the car on the road. I spoke to him last night about how it wasn't fair that he was so angry towards me when I hadn't done anything, and whilst I know he can't change his mood, he can try to moderate his reaction. I took him for dinner, he was apologetic, cheered up as the evening went on, and then by the time we got into bed was actually quite happy. I gave him a lot of space during the evening, as I figured if he didn't want to talk to too much it was better to just leave him be and let him come to me. I've tried to stay happy and upbeat, and not get angry despite the fact he is sometimes vile to me.

Same thing again this morning - vile mood and has so far ignored me all day.

I do totally understand that he has no control over how he feels, but I'm so exhausted at having to react to a different version of himself multiple times through the day. It makes me feel very insecure too, one day he wants my company, the next morning he's just really cross or can't be bothered at all. He think it's because of work (and he's taken a lot of time off recently). I'm hoping the the new job he starts in January will help all of this, but any tips on what to do in the meantime would be really gratefully received. He used to be so loving and energetic, it's like being with a totally different, totally self absorbed person.I know he really can't help it at all, and I want to help, it's just difficult after a prolonged period.

He seems to think that the only way his depression effects us is that it makes him low and he doesn't want to do much, but it's so much more than that. I feel it draining my happiness and really trying my patience. I want to be supportive, I'm not about to leave him, but surely it must get to the point where he has to take some responsibility for his own behavior, even if not his own mood?

Thank you all for listening, I don't have anyone else who will understand all of this.

[amaya]

Is he seeing a doctor?

It is not his fault that he feels something bad, but the way he is treating you is not nice so he should take responsibility for that. If he is not able to react differently to how he is feeling then he needs support with that.

[teamn]

its totally exhausting dealing with depression, (I can only speak for myself) and hope that what I say may be of assistance to you. As you seem to live together, or spnd long time in each others company, it gign to be difficult for him to stay upbeat. EWith my son, I often am diffirent, sometimes, quiet sometimes talkative, sometimes want to be loeft alone and that's my son. I explain to my son that I have depression and suggested he read up on it, so he doesn't take my reactions personally. he has and he's only 19 years old, and now does not take it too badly, although he's only human and only 19, so I'm mindful of my mood changes, and will often apologise or explain how I felt after the moment passes, that's how I take responsibility for myself in reagards to him.

I also isolate and that part is me also taking responsibility, as if I know I really cant be upbeat ad will pull people down, the depression is the thing that's makes us isolate ourselves, as we know all too well, we are not our normal selves and part of the big burden on ourselves is that we feel we are a burden on others, and that they are badly affected by our current reality and cannot cope, so isoloation for me and others who I know is one of the ways we feel that we are protecting others..as we just know that were not good enough t be around right now.

Its very hard to react differently in the moment, if we are low. Yes depression can be a quite self absorbed illness, your spot on, but its not intentional.

Its totally exhausting, you feel it from the outside perspective and your boyfriend feels this ups and downs from the inside , with a weight hovering over all the time. If you feel his behaviour is intentionally nasty toward you then definitely talk to him, if you feel its part of his depression, then get him to see a doctor, who can offer more professional support than you can, maybe you can go to see if you can find someone to offload to also, when things get a lot for you. only advice is do not take it personal.

it may or may not change when he gets job also, it may mean that he just uses up all his happy pretend energy at work, ad is even more exhausted and unable to communicate when he gets in. So definitely gp support for him will be very beneficial.

but bear in mind, I did say I can only speak of this from my perspective, I'm sure I piss a lot of family and my son off, but difference I guess is they are not looking too much from me for emotional support, where as in relationship its different. all the best x

[sirhugo]

i have depression myself and im that because of this i have upset my girlfriend many times. i have been distant and occasionally snappy. i can also get irritated by her over nothing. but one thing i always maintain and always will is that no mental illness is an excuse to treat your partner like s**t. i do empathise will your boyfriend as ive been then myself, but if i were you i would tell him your not willing to tolerate it any more

i put up a lengthy post a while back called "depression and relationships" if you want to see my thoughts on this

take care