I feel so alone and desperate. I have suffered from mental health problems as long as I can remember. I've been hospitalised, on so many different medications, had 24 sessions of ECT which I really regret because of the effect it has had on my memory, and nothing gets any better. I'm a mum of 3 children and my husband left us over Christmas because he couldn't put up with me anymore. I also have an autoimmune disease which affects my joints so makes walking difficult and means I'm in pain a lot. I so desperately want to die, more than I can ever put into words but I'm always being told my children need me and if I committed suicide they would probably go onto have mental health problems too. So I'm trapped in a hell of desperate hopelessness, pain, and longing for the day I can die so it will all stop. I'm on so much medication (lithium, mirtazipine, clonazepam, ,lamotrigine, olanzapine ........ the list goes on and doesn't include the meds I'm on for my physical condition) but nothing helps. I so often wish I hadn't had children so I could just die and then feel immense guilt. What sort of mother wishes she hadn't had her children? I know I will never get better but I'm forced to drag myself out of bed each day and try to meet the needs of the children because I desperately don't want them to experience one ounce of what I feel every second. I feel so alone and hopeless.