This is my first post and I almost didn't sign up. It may be a little drawn-out, but I do feel that writing this down may help.
I guess Ive always been a fairly anxious person in general but things have increased dramatically over the last 4 years, to the point it's now affecting my day-to-day life. Im 31 and male, Im one of the luckiest people alive, I have an excellent family and my wife is so patient and supportive, even though she doesn't suffer the way I do at all.
I moved to Australia seven years ago and at the end of a Friday evening, I received a phone call from my Mother, her and my Father were due to fly out to Australia to visit me on the Monday, they told me my brother may have cancer and they were going to a hospital to find out more, and they obviously would have to cancel their trip if it turned out he was sick. I got the news confirmed the next day, he had testicular cancer, aged 27. It took a while for it to sink in and about a week later, I went to the doctors to get myself checked out, they immediately sent me for a scan, although they couldn't see anything and the technician doing the scan found something, it was a Friday afternoon and she told me to go to the doctors on Monday. Absolute panic set in, they gave me a copy of the scan, which I opened and they had highlighted an abnormality. I drove immediately to the doctors and sat in the waiting room for a couple of hours, hoping somebody would not show so I could be seen. Absolute paranoia set in, I was clutching the scan and I actually thought people were looking at me thinking "he has bad news". Of course it turns out it was nothing.
My brother had a bad time with the treatment, he had a bad reaction which almost killed him. The same week my brother was diagnosed, my grandfather passed away and my grandma had a brain aneurism, she died six weeks later, on Christmas morning, I had come home from Australia because things were so bad and about a week before Christmas the hospital told us they couldn't do anything more for my Grandma and that she would pass away over the next few days, my Mum said "you watch, it will be Christmas day". She was right.
Fast-forward a few years, I still haven't managed to get over it, I moved back to the UK a few weeks back and I have been having panic attacks and I'm extremely emotional, I cry at the slightest thing, I am managing to sleep, infact, thats my favourite time as I don't feel as though I have to think about anything, I have wound myself up constantly for the last 4 years, I have diagnosed myself with every type of cancer you can think of. I am so in tune with my body that the slightest pain and I think I am dying. Just the last couple of months the anxiety has been worse and I have been getting up with the awful stomach-churning sensation every morning, some days, I manage to get a handle on it and other days I don't. It's currently manifesting itself as worrying Il need to go to the toilet if I leave the house, my anxiety increases if I go out, meaning the stomach churning does and sometimes I do need to go to the toilet and sometimes my mind is playing tricks on me. I can't tell the difference and its easier to just not go out.
I'm not currently working, having only just returned from Australia but I feel that a job, with some routine would probably be a good thing, although I don't feel up to interviews or actually starting a new job. I guess I am a little short on friends at the moment too, its amazing how people move on and are busy with their own families and work etc. I'm worried that if I don't get this under control, I may eventually lose my wife, well to be honest, If I don't get this under control and I am destined to be this way for the rest of my life I'll tell her to leave, there is no point ruining her life too.
Just getting this out of my head and knowing people have read it could be helpful to me, happy to hear what you guys think...