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Re: Layers with people

Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2018 9:54 pm
by betterinrecovery
Dear Maisi,

as per usual,
I will have to read your posts several times and mull things over before I can give a reasonable this is a fundamentally important issue about who we are, how we relate to others and ourselves, how we grow emotionally and spiritually (not necessarily talking about having a faith here), and how we continue our life's journey.

Also, since changing meds this year, my cognitive skills seem to have slowed right down, unfortunately, ( I am telling the medical people this and they are not listening, but never mind).

So will mull things over a bit and then come back to here.

Wishing you peace this weekend.

Re: Layers with people

Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2018 10:05 pm
by betterinrecovery
Dear Maisi
not sure about the rewarding life. I am on the verge of going back to the Therapy Space myself.
There is the blood, guts and tears of it...
The pain and then the growth of it.
Proper talking therapy ...not the CBT .
something to get to the root of my crap...

So we are the brave ones - we go to therapy (I quite like that, a good slogan , feel free to use it :lol: :lol: )


Re: Layers with people

Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2018 1:10 am
by maisi
'Proper talking therapy' not cbt,

Yes I agree: brave, blood and guts, root of the problems.

First time I've tried talking, with a lifetime of crap to deal with. Am at a very beginner level, but it's becoming clear.

It would be nice to think it could take away the experiences and the effects, but I think the scariest thing as it looks like to me right now, is that it'll just help me accept it's unrecoverable. It's too basic to who I am. And unless my whole family have therapy, there'll be a gulf between us: me having had to look at it due to later traumas, them managing to contain it.

What can we do though? If you need the help, you're going to have to accept the truth.

I hope that hasn't put you off, because looking at the truth has got to be helpful, especially with mental health issues where it all gets confused. Wish I could put it in more positive terms, as getting help is the best thing to do.

Still, you'll find people who understand, maybe not where you were expecting to.

Re: Layers with people

Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2018 9:44 am
by betterinrecovery
My Dear,

I agree, sometimes it comes down to self acceptance: we are the way we are and acceptance of that our families are the way they are and that the people in our families and the journey of our families.
I come from a very, very dysfunctional, punishing, abusive background. I wanted to start a thread on 'Withholding families' about this but I didn't have the courage to.

Healing - I am hoping for enough healing to be able to function in the world - to get up, go about my business, earn a living and to end my days believing that I have done some good in this world.

To use imagery, my healing is like the healing of very bad burns, but not on my skin on my soul and personality. There will always be a great deal of 'scar tissue' I seem never to be free of the depression. Then rejected by family and in-laws for the depression. I am basically, in many ways an out cast.

An if I chose to tell my life story publicly, people would say 'They did that!!!' and 'Really?' and 'That really happens/happened?', you lived like that...e.t.c.
Then they look into my eyes and see my anguish. Enough said.

I am so glad we are talking about this, even though we cannot and should not go into details.

Yes, thank you for this thread, it has been helping me a great deal with the self worth issues and such.

thanks B

Re: Layers with people

Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2018 9:55 am
by betterinrecovery
basically I am saying
"This who I am because of the awful rejection and abuse" and "This is who I am despite the awful rejection an abuse".
but I am going further - I am hoping to see my 'scars' as badges of honour.

We are the survivors.


Re: Layers with people

Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2018 10:27 pm
by maisi
Hi b, you very amazing person,

There are people who understand and won't give you the shocked face, and you never know, you might meet and befriend some of them, and find ways of supporting and having support in a deep way. The future is unknowable. I had a good laugh with my last remaining friend, about how her first (rehab) art therapy session totally broke her, when all other therapy had been sterile- she described it so brilliantly, felt so disparaging about the concept of art therapy, and after the instructions found herself staring at a blank sheet of paper and falling apart. She was laughing because she's over her hurts. I'd never have known that about her without needing friendship in this phase I'm in.

You've been very seriously up against it from the start, I don't know what that feels like in your sense, but I know what you mean about not wanting to be open as there's an impossible divide between your experience and people's reactions. How you see your path and your challenges clearly is so inspiring, and how you visualise your healing. I add my care and good wishes to that, and am sorry for what we've all been through in different ways.

I felt like a bit of an idiot posting the start to this thread- voicing how hurt I feel- and am so heartened that it's been a useful conversation. It's been great to hear your thoughts.

Bloody depression- I'm not feeling it but am so aware it might be waiting for me, I wish I could wave a magic wand for all the people on this forum living with it, and for you.

Anxiety, and to the bottom of my being uncertainty, is where I'm at, sort of.