Hi b, you very amazing person,
There are people who understand and won't give you the shocked face, and you never know, you might meet and befriend some of them, and find ways of supporting and having support in a deep way. The future is unknowable. I had a good laugh with my last remaining friend, about how her first (rehab) art therapy session totally broke her, when all other therapy had been sterile- she described it so brilliantly, felt so disparaging about the concept of art therapy, and after the instructions found herself staring at a blank sheet of paper and falling apart. She was laughing because she's over her hurts. I'd never have known that about her without needing friendship in this phase I'm in.
You've been very seriously up against it from the start, I don't know what that feels like in your sense, but I know what you mean about not wanting to be open as there's an impossible divide between your experience and people's reactions. How you see your path and your challenges clearly is so inspiring, and how you visualise your healing. I add my care and good wishes to that, and am sorry for what we've all been through in different ways.
I felt like a bit of an idiot posting the start to this thread- voicing how hurt I feel- and am so heartened that it's been a useful conversation. It's been great to hear your thoughts.
Bloody depression- I'm not feeling it but am so aware it might be waiting for me, I wish I could wave a magic wand for all the people on this forum living with it, and for you.
Anxiety, and to the bottom of my being uncertainty, is where I'm at, sort of.