Hope I didn't over-share.
Hm. I don't like to bother my care coordinator. It's her role to coordinate my treatment which she has done. There are people in real crisis, especially at Christmas, so it's not really her role to pop out and see me just to cheer me up or whatever.
She gave me a message via my therapist that she hasn't forgotten about me. I already know she's been working lots of overtime at the weekends. It's okay.
My ideal was to stay in India. I loved it so very much. I didn't want to go home because I didn't want things to change so that I wouldn't be able to return. (It took a long time for me to get my parents on board with me going to India. The week before I flew out, my brother actually asked if I was really going!?!
) I needed to go home. I was exhausted - emotionally and physically. Before I left India, I had been so ill that others thought it was typhoid. I needed rest, to see my family, to sleep and to eat decent food!
If I came home, I may not have been depressed. I may have recharged, gone back out and volunteered or even joined the community. I won't ever know that. It could have been through taking the time to rest and reflect at home, that all the suppressed intense emotions (no time in India to process anything. I dealt with very harrowing situations, was stretched physically and mentally and emotionally, I formed strong bonds and bid farewell to new friends each day, and I experienced an overwhelming surge of emotions - love, fear, laughter, grief, anxiety, excitement, bemusement.... and the environment was a constant assault on the senses..... BEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP!
Maybe it would have hit me. Maybe I would have been in a better place to cope at home than in Bosnia. I don't know.
Bosnia was the worst place to go for rest and to reflect. I worked in a VERY intense community as a housekeeper/general slave.
5am starts, 18-hour working days, 1am finishes, erratic hours.... Hundreds of people constantly there. Constantly everywhere always!!!
The standard was an unattainable perfection. The work was physically demanding. Exhaustion is my biggest trigger. I became hyper sensitive emotionally. It was a religious community and the views were often hypocritical, narrow-minded and very intense. I was emotionally all over the place. I couldn't stop crying out there!! The depression started.
What happened in Bosnia and India isn't now maintaining my mental health problems.
I had gained weight in Bosnia and a few comments were made when I returned to India. Had the depression been treated sooner (sought help in the January but only by the August did I finally start the lowest sertraline dose, but by then I was too far into the anorexia. My meds kicked in the following January of last year and then I started therapy for depression.), I wouldn't have relapsed into anorexia (I've had a bad depressive episode for nine months at the age of 19, but my eating disorder was not affected or triggered.)
I rang my boss. Told him I had MH problems. He said we will have a chat in private on Tuesday about what hours I want. They're not getting rid of me!
So, I am going to say I want Tuesday-Saturday lunch times 11.30am-3/3.30pm. That, plus the tips, will at least equal permitted work and ESA. Then I am NOT budging on these hours! I also didn't get PIP after the mandatory reconsideration. But it's okay. I'm happy to no longer be reliant on state benefits and it gives me the motivation to do what needs to be done to hold down my part time job.
I've finished all my child psychology work and the final session of the course is this Thursday!
So I will only have college one evening a week. I'm not taking on anything more.
The only source of support for the anorexia is 20 sessions of CBT once I have restored weight. No other support is available. If the therapist still refuses when the time comes for me to be entitled to therapy, I will pay for it privately. I've completed a survey for a recent review to improve treatment of eating disorders and I have written to my MP, both through the eating disorders charity Beat. Nope. No centres. Only a support group run by anorexics (I'm sorry, but how does that encourage recovery?
) and beat have online support groups that I've used in the past but only when things were REALLY bad. Thank you though for the genuine concern and caring suggestions.
I'm not one to mope around and draw attention to being anorexic. So, I guess it makes it less likely that anyone would suspect I have an eating disorder. The barrier is not a conscious decision. It is a warped cognition caused by the physicality of the anorexia that is holding me back.... convincing me that weight restoration is a bad thing.
I just guess it hasn't gone on for this long. It seems never ending sometimes.
But after a tumultuous weekend, I am committing to weight restoration. Enough is enough now. The treatment for anorexia is gaining weight. Shit news for the anorexia (which makes me feel shit), but otherwise nothing changes. I need to let go of the anorexia. I don't want to because it feels 'safe' or whatever, but only I can do this. I will do this! I AM doing this!
Thank you so much for your kind words. They meant so much. I've been so low this weekend.
I think I've gained weight! My mother thinks I've lost. I get weighed tomorrow.
Yeah, but the dishes are alright.
So pleased to hear your light is so beneficial.
One genuine laugh of me winding my dad up bless him
, felt loved (or genuinely cares about) when I read a kind email from a friend, when my brother (not the intermittent-asshole one
) said it was nice I joined everyone for dinner today, and when my dad said kind words to me (especially considering my mother has said such UN-kind words to me this weekend), and genuinely present when my little niece was giggling). That was helpful to do that. Thanks.
There's a mindfulness course starting in January come to think of it.....
Ooo what is xi gong? (if this hadn't followed 'mindfulness', I would have thought it a typo!)
World's longest waffle.
Tell me ALLLLLLLLLL about you, now! How has your weekend been? Amy plans for the week?
Holy heck, I can't believe it's the 17th December tomorrow!!
Much love, peace, admiration and gratitude,