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BPD - Scared to let boyfriend hang out by himself with females

Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2018 8:37 pm
by kmsx1234567
Hello everyone, I hope you're well

My boyfriend of 13 months is beginning to get very angry and frustrated with me, because I feel too paranoid to let him go out with just himself and another girl, but it's not fair on him. A lot of his friends are female, so he only really gets to see them if they're in group of boys and girls.

I was just wondering if anybody elses partner goes out with girls 1-1, and how you feel about it/deal with it?

I know it would absolutely tear me apart, but it's not fair that I restrict him like that. But at the same time I feel like I would be unable to deal with that amount of paranoia. I'm already 99.9% convinced that he is cheating on me, which makes things harder.

Please somebody help, I'm really struggling

Thank you <3

Re: BPD - Scared to let boyfriend hang out by himself with females

Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2018 6:29 am
by mihaela
Hello 7654321xsmk, and welcome! :)

I don't think you're paranoid at all. Has he always gone out with other girls over that 13 months, or has it been a more recent development? If recent, I suspect he's cheating on you; if he's always done it, then perhaps he isn't - but it's still a big perhaps. It may be one particular girl he's seeing, but you wouldn't know that unless if you were with him. His anger and frustration says to me that he doesn't care about your feelings - and therefore about you. Naturally you want to feel secure, and are afraid of losing him. It's normal, so obvious - so why does he act as if he doesn't realise this?

If he wants to see one of his female friends, why doesn't he ask you to go with him? You could suggest that, and see how he reacts. There should be no problem in that. He should feel proud of you, and she should expect you to accompany him - maybe not every time but usually. The girl/s would expect that too. Do you know these girls? Perhaps you could talk to them, and if they have any compassion they would understand your feelings. It all sounds very suspicious to me. :?

Don't feel that you're restricting him. You're not. It's him who isn't taking your perfectly natural feelings into account. If you're already 99.9% convinced that he is cheating you, then I suspect you're right - and not paranoid at all. Your fears seem perfectly reasonable to me.

Good luck, and please let me know how you get on.

Re: BPD - Scared to let boyfriend hang out by himself with females

Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2018 1:01 pm
by vitasw
Hi kmsx1234567,

I respectfully disagree with mihaela - I can understand your fears and insecurities but I can also appreciate your boyfriend's frustrations. It can't be a very good feeling to know you can't spend time with your friends without making your girlfriend unhappy, I also imagine being accused of cheating (or suspected of it) all the time would make someone frustrated. I wonder if you don't/haven't had close friendships with people of the opposite gender? Or perhaps you have had friendships with the opposite gender which turned into romantic relationships and so you are projecting this on to your partner?

Unfortunately, if someone is going to cheat on you then there isn't a way to prevent that. Cheating is an action someone else does and isn't something you can prevent by attempting to control their behavior. And I do think that making rules about who/where/when your boyfriend spends time with is controlling. If you can't trust your partner then it doesn't matter what rules you make because there is always the possibility for them to be broken. I think relationships are always going to be scary because loving someone is scary and there is always the potential to have your heart broken. Unfortunately, this is just something we have to accept if we want happy and healthy relationships.If you are frequently unhappy and don't trust your partner then I wonder why you continue to be in this relationship?

I think your feelings are very understandable so I hope I am not coming across too judgemental.

I wish you all the best!

Re: BPD - Scared to let boyfriend hang out by himself with females

Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2018 4:09 pm
by rsxo
Hi kmsx1234567,

I think it's safe to say that this is not a healthy situation for either of you. You feel paranoid that your partner may be seeing someone else behind your back, while he is constantly restricted because he is not able to see his friends.

On the one hand, if you strongly suspect that he is cheating, then you need to put your mind at ease. If it's a very strong suspicion with evidence, then you could ask him or simply leave. But if there's no evidence that suggests he is, then it makes this a dangerous step to take that could unsettle a faithful relationship.

On the other hand, restricting him all the time will only make that desire to cheat (if he is considering it) even stronger, as well as making the option of breaking up much more attractive. If you feel controlled and restricted by your partner, you are much more likely to fight against it and leave.

Personally, I see no problem in letting your partner go with one girl - most likely, she is simply a friend and they like to hang out.

Much love <3