Im sorry to hear you are going through a tough time. I can appreciate how you feel. Im currently going through a very tough time myself- the last few months I have been experiencing thoughts of suicide as well- which at times come on strongly after an event or trigger has happened. I have felt, and still do at times, like nobody understands me. It feels very isolating where all you want (or this is how I feel) is someone to listen to you - no cliches, no solutions, or patronising advice, - JUST NEEDING SOMEONE TO LISTEN and EMPATHISE. Nothing worse than not feeling understood and feeling like you cant express your emotions/feelings. Im sure there are people out there that care for you, but it sounds like they are not supporting or showing this in the best way that they could for you. And maybe they dont even know the impact that it is having on you. Have you thought about putting down how you feel in a letter and giving it to the person you want most to understand you and tell them how much you need their support? If you feel unable to do this, than try calling a supportline first. Ive done it a few times myself- I was really scared to at first- but it turned out to be a really great way of talking out my thoughts and I felt really listened to. I would sincerely recommend it! Again Im truly sorry to hear about your grandma and that you are going through all of this. Please hang in there! also checkout the website blurtitout.org. They've got some good information on there about depression - not in a clinical sense- but it made me feel like I was understood a bit more- if that makes sense. I really hope you get help and get the support you feel you need very soon! Please take care.