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post break up struggle

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sammie24
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2017 9:21 pm

post break up struggle

Postby sammie24 » Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:08 pm

hi well where do i start,
i am 27with two children, about 12 weeks ago i got home from work and i had a grumpy boyfriend. he then broke the news to me that he wasnt happy, he was crying and i said i didnt want to give up and he stated the same. Fast forward to the middle of the night and he passed me at the loo and walked straight by me and shut our bedroom door behind him. He said he didnt know why he wasnt happy. A week prior to the split he bought us a new family car totalling 9000 in cash and it was 3 weeks after a holiday abroad which he described as fantastic.
I had to find a new place to live with our two children, a place that was still close to daddy but more importantly their school, our eldest who is 5 is very settled there. I suffered a 4th miscarriage 10 days after the split. I had to borrow off my mum to get enough money together for a deposit. Since the split i have lost 2 stone,i barly have an appitite, i am in bed at the same time as the children most nights. i have pleaded for a chance, this is so out of the blue nothing along these lines had ever been mentiioned,we were not fighting or arguing, . The boys see daddy when i go to work and they sleep over, sometimes in between shifts i have a week off, during that week if i never instigated it the boys wouldnt hear from him at all, no face time, phonecall, text me to see if they are okay, nothing i dont think its fair on them. i live close to him so there is nothing stopping him reading them a bedtime story. I am lost because i love and miss this mab so much,i ask him to try and he just says not at the moment, i am not sure why he has done this everyone says he needs a kick up the arse but he wont listen to any reasoning from me, our youngest got sent home from school the other week because he hit his teacher (he is 3) yet he shrugged this off as no corrolation to his home life. i am tottaly lost because i just want my family back

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: post break up struggle

Postby amaya » Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:49 pm

Wow that is a lot.

My first reactive thought is why did you and the children have to move if he wanted the relationship to end, why didn't he just go? It seems like you have all the difficulty and he gets the space he wants.

It seems very unbalanced and unfair, especially that he cannot even give you a reason for this. It could be that he is really ill or something, but honestly, unless he will tell you I think you need all your energy for yourself and the children and you shouldn't use it up trying to figure him out.

I would do whatever you can to support yourself and the children and deal with him if he chooses to open up to you. Until then I think you have been through so much you should make every kindness possible for yourself. Do you have any medical support in place for what you are going through? Or support of any kind? Glad your mum could help you out a bit.

Welcome here and feel free to talk to us as much as you need to :)

teamn
Posts: 460
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: post break up struggle

Postby teamn » Tue Dec 05, 2017 12:54 am

Hi

sorry to read what your going through. I can empathise so much and i had to put my feelings aside while reading this, especially the part where the father of the kids doesn't face time, or do much unless instigated by you. I just think some mothers, sometimes, think about everything and it takes some guys longer to think about things, which may be especially true for your ex, as he seems to be going through something, that he is clearly not opening up to you about, which ia a shame, as fro what I gather fron the post, you had good relationship prior to this, and everything was going well.

the only thing I can advise is to see if he will go to mediation, its free now, well in London it is, most professional mediation services do legal aid. b having third person ti help with communication t may help you to either resolve, or figure out whats going on and what to do next.

I must say though I think its such a stress and shame, that your the one that had to move and find deposit when your moving with the kids. That's not really a thoughtful think on his part, infact very inconsiderate to you and the kids, thank goodness for your mum.

sammie24
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2017 9:21 pm

Re: post break up struggle

Postby sammie24 » Tue Dec 05, 2017 11:05 am

he gets the house with his job so that why he stayed there. i havent been for any additional support regarding my personal state. it has been hard on us all. the kids are okay. they love their dad and i just wish the contact comes from him . he says that the kids dont want to speak to him but he could just pop in. our relationship was quite one sided, i cooked, cleaned did the washing, took the kids to school, he used to come home from work to a cooked meal, he would then usually relax on the couch, i would put the children to bed. I never grumbled at that and accepted that as our role because he was the main bread winner. the day after i moved out his mother and sister went up to the house where we lived and rearranged cubbords in the kitchen etc. i am not sure why he is doing this he sais he didnt think we had anything in common. he is 9 years older than myself and i feel he should grow up

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: post break up struggle

Postby amaya » Tue Dec 05, 2017 9:25 pm

I find his behaviour very strange and can't help thinking that maybe you are all better off without him. At least whilst he is behaving this way.

How are you coping with the last day or so?

sammie24
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2017 9:21 pm

Re: post break up struggle

Postby sammie24 » Tue Dec 05, 2017 10:50 pm

Yeah I'm okay, I have good days and bad days really, how am I meant to look my children in the eyes knowing that I haven't given it my all to make our family unit work. I can't help but wonder what is going through his head that he won't even attempt it.

teamn
Posts: 460
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: post break up struggle

Postby teamn » Wed Dec 06, 2017 12:46 am

hi, hopw today a good day for you, and you should look your children straight In the eyes with the confidence that mummy loved daddy and done all she could do, you didn't end the relationship, you looked after the home, fed, clothed , looked after the kids and him, so you have noting to feel bad about, but the confusion you feel is about relationship ending out the blue, dotn make it make you feel like a bad mum.

take it day by day, shower the kids with love, and leave him to come to hid senses while you get on with your life. The fact that you looked after him so well, makes me think that h never really had yo try and do anything , or build a relationship of his own back with the kids, that maybe why hes not acting like a responsible adult now, maybe he never was a responsible adult, especially if you say, his mother and sister came round t rearrange and sort his cupboards out!! what kind of grown adult requires his parents to do that?? I'm not trying to bad mouth you ex at all, please dotn take it like that, and sory of its coming across in that way at all, I'm just giving you another perspective to look at the scenario from, and new questions to ask yourself, (if you haven't already)

sammie24
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2017 9:21 pm

Re: post break up struggle

Postby sammie24 » Sun Dec 10, 2017 7:20 pm

yeah, his family are like that and are quite interfearing on that leve, on others however they are not and rarley show emotion or are very thoughtfull about the kidsl, im having a bad day today, I will be okay though, i just feel guilty and that j have failed the children, I havent eaten yet today because i havent had to cook for the kids as they are still with daddy and i dont feel that there is any point in cooking just for myself, also i rarley have an appitite

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: post break up struggle

Postby amaya » Sun Dec 10, 2017 10:34 pm

Make sure you drink lots. Milk is good for keeping your strength up and tea is good for looking after yourself. If you are not eating you must drink x


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