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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2018 8:13 am
How are you?
I'm sending you a cyber hug
Posted: Sun Apr 15, 2018 1:25 am
I thought I'd save you worry by letting you know I have heard from Em and she is OK.
Posted: Fri May 04, 2018 10:35 pm
I'm so sorry I didn't reply! I haven't posted on this thread for a while and as I am in a bit of a bad way tonight I thought I would just scribble some bad thoughts out of my brain in the hope to feel better.
That's when I saw you had messaged me! I'm so sorry, I didn't realise until now! Thank you for thinking of me and thank you ATTMP for letting Deb know I was ok. Both so thoughtful! Much love to you both.
How are things with you, Deb?
Take care of yourself.
Posted: Fri May 04, 2018 11:40 pm
Feeling a bit crap tonight. An accumulation of triggers have really reinforced my core belief that I have ruined so much of everyone's life (due to mental illness) which makes me a 'shit person' who is at fault and in the wrong and less significant than EVERYONE in my family and everyone full stop.
I've had a really bad dip after a really good spell. I was actually feeling happy and more like myself!!! But when the dips come.... It's hell. I can't beat it. It feels like someone is clasping each side of my head with their massive hands emptying my mind of all thoughts and emotions other than a horrible, tangible, unshakeable and relentless emptiness. No motivation, exhaustion, dead-pan and staring at the wall, totally unable to lift myself out of the fog and even pretend to be 'okay', 'normal' and 'functioning', let alone fake smiles, false laughs and pretend happiness. No enjoyment, poor concentration, no desire to go out, easily getting bored, able to concentrate on little more than watching TV and even that feels a drag. Exhaustion on waking, right after breakfast, early evening.... Always.
I cope the only way I can. Sleep. Excessive sleep. I don't get dressed, I don't go out and I just want to be alone. Any noise irritates me and grates on me. Anxiety goes through the roof and I start catastrophising. Finger hovers over the self destruct button. I want to chuck all the good I've achieved away and cancel all my plans. This time, I don't. I postpone, I explain, I accept and since I have returned to these positive aspects in my life. That is a significant change. No more 'All or Nothing'.
I need to offload but have nobody. I only anger and upset and irritate my mother and my father is so caring but he just doesn't get it. My mother has said several very hurtful things to me recently, especially over these last couple of days.
Today she told me how I've ruined so much because I'm anorexic. My nephew turned one today and she said I ruined this special moment for her. When we sang 'Happy Birthday' to him today, she closed the door on me and all my family bar me started singing to him without me. My brother (who I'm staying with) came in from work and didn't even say hello to me. Hasn't even asked a simple 'How are things, Em?' all day. We used to be so close. My mother mocked my appearance saying I look like a child and that no other women my age looks and acts like me. She said my therapy has been pointless because I'm not actually getting better. I'm currently setting up a really small scale business selling crafts and preservatives. It's a real positive for me. She just smashed it down and said I'm only doing it because I'm obsessed with food, cooking and feeding others.
She says things like, 'why can't you just be happy?' and 'not everything is about how bad you feel'. She's made a lot of snide comments about how selfish I am and can no longer do anything about my situation. She's fed up of me, basically.
I've been sitting silently amidst my family today. Thank Heavens for the kids. My niece loves me to bits. But I felt so out of place with my family. I don't belong. A black sheep. My brother is worrying about his job and home and when I gave him advice about his future, I actually genuinely said 'I know I probably have no idea what I'm on about and that my life is shit in comparison to yours as you have an important job and important life decisions to make, but I think....' I have no self esteem. I can't stop crying and have had to hide in the bathroom and bedroom so nobody notices I'm upset.
I don't even know why I'm here. I know I need to get out of living with my parents. For their sanity and, erm, mine. Or at least to reduce my anxiety and incessant worrying and paranoia that I've done something wrong to upset them. But it all seems so hard. I can't hold down a job with enough hours to earn enough money to move out. I can't work full time now because when the lows come I'm no bloody good to anyone. I'm coping with voluntary work but I worked an extra two days last week and ended up unable to make my next shift due to physical and mental exhaustion. Also my anorexia causes me to get tired easily and when I'm anxious and stressed I don't eat for control but then I lose weight and burn out and crash.
I also know that if I don't care for myself well enough during the lows in the house with my parents, it's even less likely that I would do so living alone. Less reason and pressure to eat.... I'd quickly get sicker.
I want to get well. I do. Nobody would ever choose anorexia or depression. It's hard because when the depression is strong it's too damn strong for me to beat so I ride it out. When I'm feeling better, I have been able to experience genuine pleasure, love, affection, motivation, self-compassion, enjoyment and enthusiasm. But tackling the anorexia, weight gain and triggering comments (have had a lot of triggering comments plus an unexpected weight gain recently) makes me feel worse so I restrict which helps but doesn't because my body is hungry so my mind is unhappy. Bleurgh.
I started to think of death again tonight. Visualising myself at a train station. The simple jump. What a waste. It is hope of better things that I hold on to. But the feeling of not wanting to exist hurts me deep inside.
I feel alone, a let down, out cast, worthless. Sad. Guilty. Drained. In need of knowing someone cares. In need of reassurance to keep going.
Moments like this and my faith consoles me. Now I am exhausted. Head spinning, still crying, numb. I feel convinced the one person I try with my all to please - my mother - hates me and blames me.
I will sleep now and escape from the pain of sadness and loss. Tomorrow is a new day.
I have no idea if anyone actually read this!! Sorry it was so long and me just rambling on about random things. It helped to get it out of my system anyways. I should sleep better now at least.
Posted: Sun May 06, 2018 10:31 am
You poor soul. Your mum can't cope but that is not your fault. You are ill and cannot make yourself better. I think having anorexia must be horrendous to live with. You are the victim of a force that is (for now at least) far greater than you.
I agree that it would be better if you lived away from your family. Is there any way your parents could/would help finance that.
It's all too easy for us to blame ourselves but you cannot help it and inside your mum knows that too. What she says is because of the sheer frustration of not being able to help.,
You are a good, sweet person. You are precious in God's eyes.
Take care, you are in my prayers
Posted: Sun May 06, 2018 8:43 pm
Thank you for your kind message and for keeping me in your prayers. That means a lot to me.
I need to sacrifice my desire to 'give-in' to the anorexia even IF doing what I ultimately need to do to get better (i.e. Eat) makes me feel bad. I mean, it's not exactly like doing what the anorexia wants me to do makes me feel good.
At least if I was physically healthier, others (especially my mother and father) wouldn't feel so upset, angry and helpless. That would take some pressure of me. I would still feel guilty for what my illness has ruined in the past but at least I wouldn't feel a sense of guilt every single day for my present actions. Plus I would be able to move out that way. Get on with my life.
My parents would help, but not now. I'm not ready to move out. The anorexia is too strong and the depression still unpredictable. Financially, my benefits have been stopped for employment and support allowance and physically I'm still not well enough. I get exhausted easily.
That said, I used to have a HUGE problem holding down jobs. I worked in catering jobs I hated which brought down my mood and my depression was worse then and I thought every job was 'crap' and 'not good enough'. I've started volunteering in a great shop a few times a week and seen as it's something I like, I've been able to stick it! This is a massive improvement!! And my depression is much better than before so I don't think it's 'pointless' or whatever. I've also started a very small scale business which I'm enjoying and do from home.
So, in the near (ish!) future, I could start working in a shop and earning money to move out. It IS achievable.
Things are a little easier with my mother today. We both were crying most of the way through Mass though whilst trying not to let eachother notice. She hugged me today. I said everything will be okay and she said it has to be because she is heartbroken.
I'm alone at home this evening and I feel I can breathe. With my mam, it's like walking on egg shells. I can't live like this. It's exhausting. Fear, paranoia, guilt, shame, anxiety, stress, deceit, anger, sadness. Endless.
It would be a MASSIVE weight off my shoulders.
I hope you're as well as you can be right now. Praying for you too.
Posted: Mon May 21, 2018 4:16 pm
How are you keeping?
Posted: Tue May 22, 2018 11:13 pm
Not bad thanks. Lots of positives. I just came through a low week and I'm becoming much more accepting of the ol' black dog.
Weather here has been glorious.
How are you?