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Alone.

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
littleem
Posts: 434
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Mon Mar 26, 2018 3:01 pm

Hey ATTMP,

Hope you've de-caffeined (is that even a word?!) by now!

I know that the only way to get over things is to go through them. The group is looming and I'm terrified to go. Thing is, I have to bring myself along and I absolutely despise my whole entire being and I fear rejection. Rejection will only reinforce my negative feelings of being a weirdo, a loser, a freak, a failure..... I'm just not in a place where I can deal with that shit.

I know that feeling bad by going and being there will mean I'm actually doing the right thing by going. I get what you mean by that. My mother is angry at me because she can see I'm permitting the anxiety to destroy me. I then feel guilty for upsetting her.

I can be with people I feel safe with, i.e. My family and people at Church. I can be okay with people outside of this ONLY if I have somebody with me, i.e. Only my mother or my auntie. I'm okay to be in environments with others on public transport and shopping etc. But this is because I know my interaction with them is momentary and unlikely to be of any significance and unlikely to happen again. So there's no pressure. I can cope in jobs because I can put on a front. I just don't last long because I don't want to show the real me. I have never been able to tap into the social aspect of work though. I loathe that. Put me in any sort of social environment on my own and..... Just no. It's crippling me!!

I decided against the A Level. No surprise there, heh? I'm full of excellent ideas. But I never pursue them!! I can't commit to being tied down to paying hundreds of pounds for a qualification when I lack interest, motivation, emotion and concentration. This is the girl who's lost hundreds on un-used plane tickets and visas. I've found lots of free courses from universities which I've tapped into before. Some have been quite interesting. It's more realistic for me.

Hiya Deb!!

Aw, I'm sorry to hear that things have become more difficult for you over the last few months.

Be reassured that feeling stressed is a natural response to having a new kitchen fitted. Remember, it will be worth it when it's all completed.

I'm glad you did the mindfulness course. I've heard a LOT of good outcomes from mindfulness. Keep these in mind and try to reassure yourself that every persons experience is different.

I know it's easier said than done. My mind sabotages everything it can possibly sabotage.

What is MOST difficult for me is the low mood. It feels like an external force, like my brain is clogged with a black fog that stops me being able to think clearly and feel anything other than a persistent numbness. This might sound weird, but it feels like my head is stuck in a vice and weighed down by this emptiness. No ambition, no motivation, no genuine positive emotions (only the ability to fake them), no fight left in me. I hate the mornings and feel relief by the night that the day is over. I don't want to be alive. I don't want to 'have to get through' the day. I feel detached and like I'm there but not. I don't know who I am anymore. Everything feels a blur. I'm bored, lonely, tired. Heck, I'm done.

I've got an appointment with the psychiatrist next week and will be adding something to my current AD meds. If nothing works, I think I will just come of the pills altogether. I've already tried three different types.

I've gone on a bit. I've needed to rant it all out.

Keeping you both in my thoughts. Take care both!

Em xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1625
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Mar 27, 2018 12:28 am

Hi Em!

Do you know what speaks to me most in your last post?

It wasn't the tiredness, it was the lack of forgiveness and understanding for yourself.

There was a point last year when I realised I had taken over from the bullies of my early life, that at some point I had accepted their false narrative and was busily engaged in bullying myself, every waking moment of every day. I have just reminded myself that it is that false narrative that is the problem, not me. That it really is within my power to ignore that narrative and create one of my own.

Isap has recently posted a quote from David Burns which I suspect applies to both of us;

"Then how can I develop a sense of self esteem" you may ask. The answer is - you don't have to! You don't have to do anything especially worthy to create or deserve self esteem; all you have to do is turn off that critical, haranguing inner voice. Why? Because that critical inner voice is wrong! Your internal self-abuse springs from illogical, distorted thinking. Your sense of worthlessness is not based on truth, it is just the abscess which lies at the core of depressive illness.


Much love and hugs
xxx

littleem
Posts: 434
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Tue Mar 27, 2018 8:41 pm

Hey!

Yeah, the false narrative is saying 'what's the point?'

Each time I've fallen into mental illness, it's been after I've given my all and someone has made me feel like my efforts were for nothing. It's like a switch clicks and bam! Depression.

The switch clicks back when the next new thing opens up and there's a purpose to my life. I've lost my direction in life completely.

Thanks for the quote. Really liked it. So at the core of my depressive illness is my feeling that there is no point to my life and that whatever I do it will never match up to what I've done before.

But surely ANYTHING is better than being alone in my house not working and feeling like shit wishing I wasn't alive?!
Perhaps my purpose now is to be BETTER than my most depressed self. Like, if (or most likely when) I wake tomorrow and feel like shit, my purpose can be to DO something better than stay in bed, starve myself and feel sorry for myself.

I shall let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Baby steps..... (After my big, huge, ginormous, massive hop, olympic-skip, double-triple-quadruple shuffle and a loooong juuuuuuuuump worthy of an award backwards) Too much....? Haha!!

Take care of yourself. I hope your week is going well.

Em xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1625
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Mar 27, 2018 10:50 pm

Hi Em!

That is a hopeful post. Do you think the narrative is saying 'what's the point?' in a misguided attempt to protect you from exaggerated thoughts of the consequences of failure? Or is it something else?

xxx
xxx
xxx
xxx
xxx

littleem
Posts: 434
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Wed Mar 28, 2018 5:04 pm

Hola.

It's more... 'What's the point? Whatever I do now will never live up to what I was doing before'. (i.e. In my case, the India thing). Same thing happened the first time I had depression, I landed on the best prestigious college course. It didn't work out so when I came home nothing compared to it. I was my own bully. Ended up doing nothing because my mind tormented me that every job I got was utter crap in comparison. (Hardly ANY of them were actually negative experiences. A lot of them were GOOD experiences for many different reasons'. It was all or nothing with me.

Likewise this time around. I achieved my dream and went to India and all of that was smashed to 'crap all' by someone. Long, horrible story but they basically caused me to feel like it was all for nothing. I feel like I'm a bloody broken record. I need and want to let all of this hurt go. It's got such a hold on me.

So now nothing lives up to what I could have done, but I can't just go back and resume what I was doing. It's more complicated now. It's different. It's passed.

Really, the me who works in a cafe washing dishes is no better or worse than the me who jets around the world than the me who lies in a hospital bed with a tube up my nose than the me who's lost and hurt and broken now. It's still ME.

Really my goal is to be able to do something - anything - and to be okay with it, without feeling that what I do defines my self worth. I want to be able to let myself do what I can when I find this something, allowing bad days and mistakes and moments of embarrassment and tiredness and even down-right stupidity! Because generally, people don't care about that stuff. Mostly if they do, it's all in jest and forgotten about quickly. If people are rude and unkind then they're not worth being concerned about. I mean, why does it matter so much to us what other people (who aren't important to us!) think of us?!

I hate that people always have to ask, 'so, what are you doing now?', 'any future plans?', 'are you working yet?'
Why can't people just ask 'how are you?', 'been up to much lately?'

I hate feeling pressured to give a good answer. Why can't 'Ive got a part time job in a shop or washing up in a restaurant' be enough?! Woah, I'm ranting a bit hey?

Still, today was alright. Got all the housework done, applied for a part time job and got a call straight away, cooked some red cabbage for the Easter weekend, popped out for some fresh air. My care co-ordinator didn't turn up though. Turns out she wasn't working today... She's genuine so I'm sure it was a simple mistake.

How are you doing? How's your week so far?

Em xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1625
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Mar 29, 2018 9:42 pm

Hi Embellina!

You are not alone with that, I think it is a sickness in our society that links jobs to success to worth. In the past I have cleaned floors, cleaned toilets, worked security, warehouses, call centres, etc. None of that is anything to be ashamed of yet it seems to be less socially acceptable than being a tobacco marketing executive. If that isn't insane I don't know what is.

...Whatever I do now will never live up to what I was doing before'
In who's opinion and how valid is that opinion? Would it matter even if it was valid (which it isn't!). There is a great passage in The Happiness Trap where it sets out that if the truth isn't useful then ignore it.

xxx

littleem
Posts: 434
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Fri Mar 30, 2018 10:22 pm

Hi there!

Hope all is as well as it can be with you, my friend. Thanks for posting.

I agree totally.

I had a very good therapy session yesterday and feel that the CBT is going to start clicking into place more and more with practice.

The next step is working on the behaviours! Yup, feeling worse by doing what will in the long run help me get better. I have massive admiration for you for how hard you've worked on challenging this. Lots of opportunities are actually open for me to meet people - volunteering, Church groups, craft groups, support groups, part time work and college courses.... I have to take the medicine and help myself. Only I can be the one who takes these opportunities. Better to try than to stay stuck.

My therapist even said she would come with me for the first half hour of that creative group to ease me in. She's also found out about a new local crafts group that actually looks awesome. The more I fight the anxiety, the easier it will get. Knowing this is the first step!

The Easter weekend is going well. A lot of activity at Church and I've realised just how much I've missed the community and reflection aspect of my faith. Again, opportunities are open to me to develop these areas.

Spending time with family. The little ones are a teensy bit besotted with me even if I do say so myself, haha! Which is lovely. They are wonderful.

The emptiness and detachment is persistent and always there in the background, like back ache or a constant headache. They keep me very busy and distracted from these feelings though, which is a real positive.

Hope you've had a good week. Take care and keep me posted!

Embellina Ballerina xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1625
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Mar 31, 2018 12:04 am

Hola lovely Embellina!

That all sounds so good, well done you for finding the strength to maintain a healthy and positive outlook despite your feelings. *Cheers wildly* Your therapist sounds awesome! Sadly I can't be there to help in person but I will be supporting you in spirit sending vibes of love and acceptance.

The emptiness and detachment is persistent and always there in the background
Yep, that old black dog just hangs around but maybe the less attention we give it the less powerful it will be?

CBT is like the ancient joke about the kid with a violin case who stops a pensioner in London and asks how he can get to the Albert Hall; 'Practice, practice, practice!' is the reply.

Enjoy the Easter weekend with family and your church community.

Much love
xxx

littleem
Posts: 434
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Sun Apr 01, 2018 7:55 pm

Hello!

Happy Easter!

Thank you. I will let you know how my crazy adventures into strange and unknown environments go! Thanks for the good vibes!

Yeah, it's so dayem persistent. When I recovered from anorexia, it became very faint background noise that I often never heard anymore. So I have hope that the black dark will go away. I really, really hope it will.

Yes, practice I shall! My therapist is lovely. She's very kind-hearted and I know she's genuine.

Hope you've had a lovely Easter weekend.

Love Em xxx

deb1960
Posts: 1757
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby deb1960 » Thu Apr 05, 2018 10:27 pm

Hi Em

I haven't spoken to you for a wee while. I'm thinking of you and will post soon. Right now it's way past my bedtime

Deb x


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