Hope you've de-caffeined (is that even a word?!) by now!
I know that the only way to get over things is to go through them. The group is looming and I'm terrified to go. Thing is, I have to bring myself along and I absolutely despise my whole entire being and I fear rejection. Rejection will only reinforce my negative feelings of being a weirdo, a loser, a freak, a failure..... I'm just not in a place where I can deal with that shit.
I know that feeling bad by going and being there will mean I'm actually doing the right thing by going. I get what you mean by that. My mother is angry at me because she can see I'm permitting the anxiety to destroy me. I then feel guilty for upsetting her.
I can be with people I feel safe with, i.e. My family and people at Church. I can be okay with people outside of this ONLY if I have somebody with me, i.e. Only my mother or my auntie. I'm okay to be in environments with others on public transport and shopping etc. But this is because I know my interaction with them is momentary and unlikely to be of any significance and unlikely to happen again. So there's no pressure. I can cope in jobs because I can put on a front. I just don't last long because I don't want to show the real me. I have never been able to tap into the social aspect of work though. I loathe that. Put me in any sort of social environment on my own and..... Just no. It's crippling me!!
I decided against the A Level. No surprise there, heh? I'm full of excellent ideas. But I never pursue them!! I can't commit to being tied down to paying hundreds of pounds for a qualification when I lack interest, motivation, emotion and concentration. This is the girl who's lost hundreds on un-used plane tickets and visas. I've found lots of free courses from universities which I've tapped into before. Some have been quite interesting. It's more realistic for me.
Aw, I'm sorry to hear that things have become more difficult for you over the last few months.
Be reassured that feeling stressed is a natural response to having a new kitchen fitted. Remember, it will be worth it when it's all completed.
I'm glad you did the mindfulness course. I've heard a LOT of good outcomes from mindfulness. Keep these in mind and try to reassure yourself that every persons experience is different.
I know it's easier said than done. My mind sabotages everything it can possibly sabotage.
What is MOST difficult for me is the low mood. It feels like an external force, like my brain is clogged with a black fog that stops me being able to think clearly and feel anything other than a persistent numbness. This might sound weird, but it feels like my head is stuck in a vice and weighed down by this emptiness. No ambition, no motivation, no genuine positive emotions (only the ability to fake them), no fight left in me. I hate the mornings and feel relief by the night that the day is over. I don't want to be alive. I don't want to 'have to get through' the day. I feel detached and like I'm there but not. I don't know who I am anymore. Everything feels a blur. I'm bored, lonely, tired. Heck, I'm done.
I've got an appointment with the psychiatrist next week and will be adding something to my current AD meds. If nothing works, I think I will just come of the pills altogether. I've already tried three different types.
I've gone on a bit. I've needed to rant it all out.
Keeping you both in my thoughts. Take care both!