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Alone.

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1627
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Mar 17, 2018 9:38 am

Hi Em!


Yep, that detached feeling is weird isn't it?

Sorry to hear about the dip but like you say, you came though it relatively quickly. Isn't it frustrating they way depression and anxiety are triggered or exacerbated by the thought of doing stuff to address them. Glad you are feeling more relaxed about the group now and hopefully next time will be better.

Glad you made your mum feel loved, sounds like a good day.

I'm still overworking and overstressed but it is an investment and not for too much longer now.
Make sure I go out at least one evening a week as a bit of a balancer. Was at a comedy club the other night, weirder than ever. :D Fun! :lol:

I am in a new place emotionally, it is early days so I don't know if it is going to persist but it feels almost like I have found a path out of the forest. I am still mega depressed, fearful and anxious but the depression, although ever present, just sits there making me feel like crap but without dominating my thoughts and behaviours. My motivation and self esteem appear to be inching up a little each day and I am finding it easier to do simple stuff like keeping the front room tidy, that no longer feels like a epic task. Maybe this is acceptance? I don't know but whatever it is, it is beneficial. Still a long way to go but at least I am feeling progress!

xxx

littleem
Posts: 434
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Sun Mar 18, 2018 2:56 pm

Hello!

Sounds to me like you're coping with lots of difficult things really well. It's positive that you are recognising that and that you're doing nice things for you! The comedy show sounds good fun!

Yeah, I'm seeing the GP this week. Going to ask for something to augment the current anti depressants. Every time I've increased them they work but then seem to fade off. Still working on that brain transplant.

Bit of a crap weekend. A lot of stress has left me completely exhausted and mentally depleted. Bit of excessive sleeping has helped for starters. Hope to get my mood up again this week.

Does depression actually go away?! I mean, I've lived without it before.

Hope you've had a nice weekend.

Em xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1627
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Mar 18, 2018 4:14 pm

Poor Embellina!

My thoughts are with you. Hope things go well with GP.

Does depression go away? Hope so but never been without so wouldn't know. My MH is certainly a million times more manageable now than was prior to me starting to tackle it a few years ago. Live is worth living and I know I'll never sink to those depths again. :)

I've heard of many people making a good recovery, they then tend to have better things to do than hang around forums and support groups :D so I sometimes wonder if they are entirely mythical, entirely relaxed and enjoying life with wide smiles on faces as they ride centaurs into the promised land ;)

I'm sure you will be ok. It is always the times when we challenge or issues that we feel worse but you will come through it. Can't promise a Centaur ride to the promised land but I a piggy back to the therapist is doable :lol:

Take care lovely Em
xxx

littleem
Posts: 434
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Sun Mar 18, 2018 8:48 pm

Yeah, I think it's more about learning to live with the issues and to manage them.

I'm pleased that you know you won't sink back to where you've been. I still get crap days, but likewise I know that I will never go back to the endless days and weeks in bed.

I have to say I don't think it's always the case that having 'better' things to do than support forums and groups can help people recover. I was in India living my dream doing lots of meaningful work with lots of friends with my future wide open and ready for me, but I cut my travels short and changed my whole life plan because I was becoming depressed. Or rather, depression was becoming me, if that makes sense. So don't knock the support groups, it takes guts to beat the anxiety and try them out. That's more than I can ever do.

Piggy back sounds great. Either that or a ride in your wheelbarrow. Whatever gets my bony bot to the support group, haha!

Take care my lovely friend,

Embellina xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1627
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Mar 22, 2018 1:54 am

Hi Em!

I agree with what you said about having 'better things to do'. Forums and support groups, particularly the latter have really helped me. I was trying to suggest that they give a slanted view because those of us that hang around them for years tend to have long term problems. I think it can lead people into the erroneous belief that Depression, Anxiety, etc is a life sentence for everyone.

Having said that I suspect that managing it is the way forward for me. I suspect I am closer than I have ever been to a level of MH problems which has minimal negative impact but that I will never be free of my distorted thinking and beliefs. I just wish I had the time, the energy and the will to take the next step. I'll get there, slow and steady wins the race and all that.

How are you today?
xxx

littleem
Posts: 434
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Thu Mar 22, 2018 10:36 am

Hey!

That's so positive that you've come so far! Much admiration!!

Hm, I'm unfortunately not very good at all. Mood is shit. Totally out of my control. Have been very tearful five days this last week which is a lot as I usually don't cry much. It's been uncontrollable crying. A deep sadness at what I've lost and what I've amounted to, a lot of self pity, self hatred and self blame and a deep void of loneliness. I hate this stupid crap town.

No motivation, no ambition, no future plans. I am exhausted by having to 'make' myself be ok. Wish I could just 'be' ok naturally. The better I am, the harder I crash. It's exhausting. One step forward and two steps back. Ugh.

Several people asking if I'm working. Saying 'no' makes me feel crap so I've applied for some part time bits. My head is smashed so I hope for something like just washing dishes.

I'm wanting more and more to cease existence. I've been sleeping excessively to escape.

Other than that, I'm full of beans n

How are you f
xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1627
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Mar 22, 2018 11:50 pm

Hi my lovely friend Em!

Oh no! Poor you. That all sounds so tough.

Sorry to hear things feel so shit for you right now but there is a positive in being able to experience and be open about your emotions. If your therapist can help you work through them then there may even be a constructive result to all that pain.

Get a job if you want to but that sort of thing doesn't define any of us. I do understand how it makes you feel though.

I can't find anything positive to say about your town. It really does sound proper shit. :lol:
Though maybe there is room for a business in artfully decorated walking sticks and zimmer frames.
Pimp up those pensioners. Get some gold and silver thread woven into the blue rinses and sell diamante studded flat caps. Get them rocking on down to the latest grime sounds too.

You are not allowed to cease existing, I'd miss you too much.

You will come through this because you are lovely and amazing.

Much love
Me
xxx

littleem
Posts: 434
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Fri Mar 23, 2018 11:51 pm

Hey!

Hahaha yes! Definitely a business venture my town is simply gasping for! Thanks for making me smile. I wish I actually knew people like you who 'get it'. Perhaps I shall meet some at the group on Monday.

I realised that recovery really does need to come from me. Easier said than done when I wake up most mornings with a dark blanket of doom and depression suffocating me. I'm going to make more of an effort though. I plan to structure my days. That helped me a lot when I was in hospital. Routine will help because having everything done and nothing to do by eight o'clock every morning only adds to my feelings of pointlessness, loneliness, boredom and depression. It's hard to do things to distract myself too because when my mood is low, my concentration is crap.

I'm starting with the group on Monday. I've also decided to do an online A Level. Studying a couple of hours each day would help with the whole structure and purpose situation. This is as far as I'm thinking for now.
But I do know that if I don't make an effort I will forever remain in this rut of nothingness. If I don't try, I won't know! So I'm going to try that little bit harder than I have been.

It helped seeing my therapist today in that I was able to see the factors that caused me to dip so low into this mood. I'm already half way through the CBT and started to worry about being discharged and having NO support whatsoever. I know I'm worrying way in advance.

I'm meeting with my care co ordinator next week who will arrange for me to meet with the psychiatrist regarding medication. They're concerned about the side effect of me feeling so detached but the AD meds have helped to stop those ruminating thoughts and I don't get any more anxious than the average Joe so it's better to feel nothing than have bad thoughts screaming in my brain! The mood is still FLAT though so they're looking to add something to augment it.

I've been really bad this last week. I feel like I'm getting worse?!?!?!

Ha yeah, my town is pretty shitty. I mean, actually it's not. It's a beautiful place and it thrives in the summer, but endless walks around the seafront alone only emphasise my loneliness. I walked many solitary miles last year (and as a teenager in my anorexia relapse) and so this aimless lone walking only emphasises to me that I am a lonely loser with no purpose or friends. It's just letting practically IMPOSSIBLE to meet people below the age of 85.... And I simply don't know anyone.

How are you doing? I hope you've had a good week. Any plans for this weekend? How was the comedy show?

Hope all o's well with you!!

Much love

Embo xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1627
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Mar 24, 2018 1:34 am

Hi lovely Embo.

I realised that recovery really does need to come from me.
I'm going to make more of an effort though. I plan to structure my days.
I'm starting with the group on Monday. I've also decided to do an online A Level.
If I don't try, I won't know!
That all sounds really good, please try to remember it is trying that counts, try not to stress over results or potential results.
I've been really bad this last week. I feel like I'm getting worse?!?!?!

All I can share is my experience that it always feels worse when I am doing the right things, challenging my beliefs and making progress. I even learned to sometimes feel good that I was feeling bad :?: Honest, doesn't always work but sometimes...

I'm really tired. Who knew Irn Brew contained caffeine? Drank 2L of the sugar free stuff before I realised. :roll:

Take lovely care of your lovely self
xxx

deb1960
Posts: 1758
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby deb1960 » Sat Mar 24, 2018 8:00 pm

Hi Em

I often worry that II'm getting worse and tbh in my case things have got worse over the last few months. Today has been horrible and I have to tell myself this isn't a forever mood.

The council fitted a new kitchen at the beginning of the week. That stressed me no end and there's still plenty to get done.

Does your mind sabotage your plans? I have completed a mindfulness course and am commiting to meditation to help myself. I heard of one person having a distressing experience wwith. It and now my mind is telling me I shouldn't be doing it. All through my meditation this evening I worried that I would develop horrible symptoms like that person. This is very typical of me or should I say my mind.

Andthistoo, if you lived in Scotland you'd drink Irn Bru. That's the real stuff!

Deb x


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