Em you have me as a friend if you would like
(I then went on to write the very long post you see below, take what helps, ignore the rest, and sorry that I don't know how to say what I mean in a short way haha.)
Thanks for being so honest with us, it feels like an honour that you share these things with us that you normally carry around inside.
About guilt: I don't think it helping you. It seems to arise from trying to control emotional states with our intellect, failing, and then feeling like we shouldn't have failed. But emotions, and the behaviours they induce in us are far more powerful and more ingrained in who we are as human beings than our intellect is. We spend so much time thinking and fantasizing about who we are, what we should do, how we should treat others, should, should, should.. blah blah blah. And then we are ignoring our emotions. Suddenly we realise we are acting on these buried emotions without much choice at all, we decide to beat ourselves up on top of everything else. Because that silly intellect thinks it should be able to control the universe.
Therefore.. maybe it is okay to let go a little bit. You are acting the way you are because of how you feel. And that is just as valid as what you think. You are a whole person. Even when you feel in pieces. You are okay just the way you are. You just need some help because you are ill, like the rest of us here, and a lot more people in the world! But you haven't done anything wrong to anyone. You haven't chosen to be struggling the way you are. Actually it is wanting to act protectively to those around you that means you find it hard to be honest about what you are really facing everyday. You are a good person trying a little bit too hard to be what you think you should be whilst you are feeling something else.
I don't think this is something you are gonna resolve by trying so hard. I think it will have more to do with accepting the real you, however painful and complex that is. Learning to feel without guilt for how you feel. Not easy, haven't managed it myself yet by the way, just know I need to work on it. But the more you try to please others on the outside, whilst pushing yourself inside to attain the impossible perfection, the more you will be denying your true self. It is okay to be ill. It is okay to feel whatever you are feeling. Really, whatever that actually is, in any moment, it is okay. And you do not have a choice about it, so you don't need to beat yourself up that you are feeling it. Same with thoughts, they come without asking you first. All we can do is watch to see how we feel, what we are thinking, and then decide what to do about it. If you start a fight with yourself where you say this feeling or this thought is not allowed because it is wrong, or it will hurt someone, or whatever, you will lose that fight. Because you didn't choose to think or feel the way you do in the first place.
I have read so many different sides to you since I started coming here, and it is all you. You are actually doing better than you know to be so aware of so many things the way that you are. Also, I like you.. not just the postive bouncy Em, but also all the other parts you have shown here. I imagine that it is just the tip of the iceberg because no one can really explain themselves too well online like this. But I think there is something really awesome about you. And I don't mean the enthusiasm. That is nice to be sure. But I mean there is a part of you that is so sensitive and caring to everything and everyone in the world. I think this is the part of you that is hurting so much too. Your sensitivity is what makes you vulnerable. Trying to control that so that you don't get hurt more, whether that comes from controling eating or doing a lot for others or whatever you do, is actually your subconscious trying to take care of you. Just it is having a counterproductive effect sometimes.
The short version of what I am trying to say is that you are a good person no matter what. But you need to get the help you need to address the eating disorder. Because along the path of doing that you can learn that there is nothing wrong with who you are or how you feel and you don't need to try to control things so much. You can be free to be your sensitive self. Even if the world is a painful place for us sensitve types.. and you really do not need to feel bad for being who you are. When you are free to be you then you will be free to do things out of the pure kindness you have and not because you are proving something to yourself or to someone else. Right now it is always a mix because you are trying so hard not to let anyone down on the outside whilst feeling a lot of pain inside. But this comes because you are fundamentally kind as a person, otherwise you wouldn't feel so much pain anyway.
I am gonna stop now because I am tired and using about fifty times as many words as other people and I have the feeling I said the same thing in three different ways.
It doesn't matter what you do with your life, at all. It matters that the real you gets to do it. That's why you need the treatment. Please bang on whoever's door you need to to get the support and structure you need to get better, don't accept less than you need. And don't feel guilty for anyone. Because none of this is your fault. And keep telling yourself that you are fundamentally good. Just the way you are. However you feel. And that is true, no doubt.