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Alone.

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
deb1960
Posts: 1487
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby deb1960 » Thu Feb 15, 2018 7:50 am

Hi Em
How are you?
Deb x

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby amaya » Sat Feb 17, 2018 1:22 pm

Yes we are all awaiting the next exciting installment of the Em story :)

littleem
Posts: 339
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Mon Feb 19, 2018 11:29 am

Hey everyone.

Hope you're all doing okay.

Apologies for my delayed response. Thanks for checking in on me regardless though. Your care means a lot to me.

How's everyone doing?

I'm alright my end. I'm still moving in the right direction but I no longer expect to make some grand recovery or anything anymore. Getting through life as best I can is good enough for me right now, and anything else will only be a bonus. I honestly don't think my depression has plans to scoot off any time soon so I'm accepting that it's something I will have to just learn to manage and live with rather than to overcome entirely.

Take care all.

Much love,

Em xxx

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby amaya » Mon Feb 19, 2018 3:59 pm

Hiya :)

That sounds like a good way to look at things. I wouldn't rule out a recovery though. I have hopes of getting completely better and I hope the same for you. Just maybe it will take a long time and maybe recover is learning to live with certain realities rather than certain things changing. Either way I like to believe we will both go far :)

Nice to hear from you x

littleem
Posts: 339
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Mon Feb 19, 2018 5:19 pm

Thanks Amaya x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1226
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Mon Feb 19, 2018 10:04 pm

Hi Em! :D

littleem
Posts: 339
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Tue Feb 20, 2018 12:10 am

Hi ATTMP!

How are you? X

littleem
Posts: 339
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Tue Feb 20, 2018 12:47 am

I'm not in a good place tonight. It's self-inflicted. Or rather, anorexia-inflicted. It's hard to distinguish sometimes.

Since my hospital discharge, I've lied and manipulated everyone around me so that I can maintain a level that avoids hospital admission and sectioning, do enough to look like I'm progressing but ensure that I don't take in enough calories to actually gain any weight.

Long story short, my mother found out. Shit. I feel awful because I've hurt her. She's incredible and I've deceived her for months. I'm a liar, cunning, sly, manipulative, selfish and ungrateful. I've thrown everything in her face. She says she feels like a fool. She's absolutely livid, hurt and crying a lot. I hate myself for doing this to her.

I've decided I'm going to get that referral for an inpatient place. I don't want this at all, but I can't see myself getting better at home. I could try at home by taking on another supplement drink but could I be trusted to actually drink it every day? Chances are.... No. Even today before I was 'found out', I poured a supplement down the sink. It's easy to restrict at home, to give myself 'days off' from complying and to genuinely convince myself that I've still complied.

I'm starting to question what's genuine and what's a lie. I'm in denial and don't even regard myself as having anorexia, yet I have great insight into the illness and how it affects me.

There's a weird part of me that wants to go there to face my demons on my own.

I just hope and pray my mam feels better in the morning (and that she doesn't find out about me taking laxatives either!)

Apologies for the big waffle.

I cancelled my last therapy session half hour before it started and haven't been in touch with the therapist since. I've also avoided calls from my care co-ordinator over the last few weeks and told the dietician (who is the only one involved with me from the eating disorder team) that I wanted to withdraw a referral to an inpatient place and that I had no intention of working with her to improve my eating and gain weight. Her response was to practically discharge me from the ED services for me to be weighed by my therapist instead. I've since come clean with my mother and told her this too.

I don't want to go to an inpatient place. I don't want to gain weight. But I do want to feel happier and more than anything I do not want to hurt my mother.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1226
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Feb 20, 2018 6:49 am

Oh Em!

So much self loathing and self sabotage. I feel for you HUGS.

Anorexia must be so weird. I know you know that you won't feel better mentally without looking after yourself physically, I know you see the pattern of rejecting services that may help, I know you know that every time you decide to feed the sink, you are effectively punching yourself in the face however it makes you feel short term. I also know it is an illness, that your actions are often beyond conscious control however you justify them to yourself and are not something just 'knowing' can resolve.

I wish I could say or do something to help make it better but all I can do is listen and care. Whatever your actions or inactions you are worthwhile and deserve love and care, you deserve and are capable of a better life, a better future.

xxx

deb1960
Posts: 1487
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby deb1960 » Tue Feb 20, 2018 8:13 am

You poor wee soul
I feel close to tears for both you and your mum. And God does too. He sees your mum's pain. But he sees all your pain too. He sees your love for your mum but he knows that your illness makes you behave this way. You are a lovely caring person. And that's why you feel so against yourself. The beautiful person you are would never hurt a soul. Your mum is too involved to tell you how wonderful you are.

I will miss my bus if I continue but will post later

You are lovely
Deb x


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