I'm not in a good place tonight. It's self-inflicted. Or rather, anorexia-inflicted. It's hard to distinguish sometimes.
Since my hospital discharge, I've lied and manipulated everyone around me so that I can maintain a level that avoids hospital admission and sectioning, do enough to look like I'm progressing but ensure that I don't take in enough calories to actually gain any weight.
Long story short, my mother found out. Shit. I feel awful because I've hurt her. She's incredible and I've deceived her for months. I'm a liar, cunning, sly, manipulative, selfish and ungrateful. I've thrown everything in her face. She says she feels like a fool. She's absolutely livid, hurt and crying a lot. I hate myself for doing this to her.
I've decided I'm going to get that referral for an inpatient place. I don't want this at all, but I can't see myself getting better at home. I could try at home by taking on another supplement drink but could I be trusted to actually drink it every day? Chances are.... No. Even today before I was 'found out', I poured a supplement down the sink. It's easy to restrict at home, to give myself 'days off' from complying and to genuinely convince myself that I've still complied.
I'm starting to question what's genuine and what's a lie. I'm in denial and don't even regard myself as having anorexia, yet I have great insight into the illness and how it affects me.
There's a weird part of me that wants to go there to face my demons on my own.
I just hope and pray my mam feels better in the morning (and that she doesn't find out about me taking laxatives either!)
Apologies for the big waffle.
I cancelled my last therapy session half hour before it started and haven't been in touch with the therapist since. I've also avoided calls from my care co-ordinator over the last few weeks and told the dietician (who is the only one involved with me from the eating disorder team) that I wanted to withdraw a referral to an inpatient place and that I had no intention of working with her to improve my eating and gain weight. Her response was to practically discharge me from the ED services for me to be weighed by my therapist instead. I've since come clean with my mother and told her this too.
I don't want to go to an inpatient place. I don't want to gain weight. But I do want to feel happier and more than anything I do not want to hurt my mother.