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Alone.

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
littleem
Posts: 294
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:10 pm

Thanks for your message.

I'm sorry to hear things are difficult for you too right now. Note that you said 'losing' and not 'lost'. The very fact that you keep trying to beat it despite how bad it makes you feel simply shows how strong, brave and resilient you are.

You're doing really well. Like you said yourself, mental illness is cruel and ruthless, so fighting it is damned hard. Do be kind to yourself.

Hopefully the stomach meds should kick in today or tomorrow.

The negative voice is winning today. It hasn't 'won', but today isn't a good one. I've switched off and gone to bed. I will be relieved after the weighing is over. I'm reassuring myself that I will be able to restrict my eating this week as my mother isn't around to be watching me like a hawk. I know both these behaviours aren't helpful in the long run but they're my coping mechanisms for now so hey ho!

I'm starting to wonder if this depression will ever actually shift though. I mean, does it? Can it? My meds have made things better and stilled my mind but the mood still needs lifting. I might have to have something to augment the sertraline the psych said.

Have yourself a good week and take care,

Em x

deb1960
Posts: 1324
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby deb1960 » Tue Jan 16, 2018 8:13 am

Hi Em

I've just read your last two posts. I feel so sad for you. You are suffering so much. What a huge burden for anyone but at just 23 its even hatder. Although you deal with this eccellently i at 57 i know how much more i struggled at your âge because i hadnt got lifes expériences to help me

You are ill. All those horriblr thoughts are due to an illness that is not your fault. Our brain is like a projector. Our mind the projection. The projector needs fixing. Your illness is worse than so very many. I think your amazing. You speak to people on here with such compassion. That Em is a quality lacking in so very many people.

You take care.
Deb xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1001
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Jan 16, 2018 8:44 am

Hi Em!

You really are amazing to be coping with all that you do. The constant negative internal narrative is a horrible thing to experience, if you find a way to moderate that then please share! The catch 22 you seem to be in where nutrition needs to improve for self compassion and mood to improve and the latter need to improve for the nutrition to improve sounds horrible.

I'm feeling stuck right now. I know what I should be doing but doing it is another matter. Self compassion and acceptance of my thoughts and emotions seem to be the best way forward in addition to trying to get proper pharmaceutical care in place.

I won't quit though and I know you won't either. You inspire me every day. We will move forward together.
xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1001
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Jan 16, 2018 8:45 am

Deb
"Our brain is like a projector. Our mind the projection. The projector needs fixing"

That is so profound.

littleem
Posts: 294
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Tue Jan 16, 2018 10:23 am

Aw thank you so much, Deb.

That was such a lovely message and it honestly meant a lot.

I always feel like my problems are so small in comparison to everyone else's because there's nothing terribly awful going on around me. It's more of a turmoil in my mind.

I'm glad that compassion comes through in my messages. I do genuinely want to do what I can to help others. We may all have different issues and experiences but we all 'get it' and are all in this fight together.

I'm sorry to hear you've struggled with depression for such a long time, Deb. You clearly are a very strong, brave and resilient person. I hope you're doing okay.

I don't know why it feels harder for me to accept having a mental illness than if I had something physical wrong with me. Perhaps because physical illness can be more obvious? I'm not sure. It's like I tell myself having a problem in my brain isn't a 'real' illness and so I'm not 'sick enough' which leads me to feel guilty and ashamed and to call myself lazy, useless, pathetic and so on. I like the idea of the projector though. Thanks for sharing that.

Take care of yourself,

Em xxx

littleem
Posts: 294
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Tue Jan 16, 2018 10:36 am

Hi ATTMP!

Sorry to hear you're feeling a bit stuck. It's positive that you know what you need to be doing. Perhaps think about what exactly it is that is holding you back from doing it? I have every faith in your ability to overcome whatever barriers are trying to stop you.

I know you won't quit and indeed, neither will I! We will most certainly move forward together. I may just slightly shuffle forwards sometimes mind, haha!

It's positive that you're seeking the pharmaceutical care you deserve. I just came back from the doctors. I didn't actually know this, but she explained that the effects of the anti depressants are based on the maximum dose so I may need to persist just a few weeks more to feel the full benefit. She also reassured me not to worry about needing to augment the meds with something else as well and told me not to feel any shame about this condition. My weight is at what it was when I was discharged from hospital so I was relieved with that.

Take care of yourself,

Em xxx

Isap
Posts: 1410
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby Isap » Tue Jan 16, 2018 11:34 am

Hi Em

Sorry its taken me so long to catch up with you here. I think when you first joined I had the impression that you were just chatting to friends you knew off another forum so didnt interfere. Then next time I read you hhad found a job in a market and seemed happy. Now Ive just read how much you are suffering. I offer you my full support and am sure you will get through your current difficulties.

Take care

Isap x

littleem
Posts: 294
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Tue Jan 16, 2018 12:28 pm

Hey Isap,

Thanks for your message. Lovely to hear from you.

Hey, no problem at all. I do actually chat to two friends I met from another forum on this thread so it makes total sense that you'd think that.

Yeah, it's all a bit up and down with me I guess. With us all though, right? Thanks for your encouragement and support. I'm here to return the encouragement and support to you too.

I hope you're as well as you can be right now.

Take care,

Em x

deb1960
Posts: 1324
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby deb1960 » Wed Jan 17, 2018 8:13 am

Hi Em

Just a wee post as I go for the bus soon.

I think the majority of people with MH illness wish it was physical. We arr fighting against a belief that has been there for 1000s of years. Namely that we have control over our minds. It is very hard to get rid of that belief. It's built into our psyche. Nobody can control their mind. When things happen even to the most mentally well people they react. Feel irritation at things. Cry over sad things. Have a fear of spiders or pet rats etc That's an emotional response and often illogical. They're brain is causing these responses. They haven't suddenly had a brief dip into Mental illness. Since last week i have somehow managed to understand that I have a brain disorder. Realising that has made the guilt lessen and helped me accept it. I. can't help it I keep thinking.

I've gone on sorry

Btw Attmp my profound metaphor. Projector. Doesn't come from me. A guy at the MH drop in told me that on Monday. It's the best analogy so far i think

The bus beckons Em so I.must go

Hugs to you
Deb xx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1001
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Wed Jan 17, 2018 11:14 am

The whole idea of being in control of our minds...
I suspect it is also that we consider our minds to be us.
If my leg is broken then my leg is broken, if my mind is broken then I am broken.

I also find it interesting that we search for reasons for our problems. Natural for us to seek cause and effect, and I can certainly point to experiences which contributed to my condition but perhaps that is also rooted in the false conception that the brain can't become mis-wired. That somehow we are at fault for not being in control of our minds unless we can provide a reason. That is not to play down the horrendous experiences many people have had which has led to where they are today. I am suggesting that this is the wrong focus because it is rooted in the desire to place blame, as if we should reject ourselves and apologise for who we are.

I have had some interesting comments from otherwise intelligent people in real life recently, such as; 'You can't be depressed because you are not that type of person'. I think part of that is ignorance, part is the desire to believe it can't happen to you but part is also the belief that the mind is somehow divorced from our physical brain. I also think there is often confusion between the idea of the personality and the idea of the soul. You guys are religious. Am I right in thinking those two are entirely different?

For me, the mind and body are one system. The mind is as subject to illness as any other part. I also find it interesting that the more neuro-science research is done the more the evidence seems to stack up that our conscious mind is not in control, even for 'healthy' people. That most decisions are made and behaviours rooted somewhere in the subconscious. Thoughts, feelings and behaviours which give short term benefit can become wired in and persist even when they cause us harm. As everyone on this site probably knows all too well.

The ideas that we just need to pull ourselves together or that I as an entity is somehow weak or faulty is entirely wrong and one I reject. These days I have no shame about being mentally ill any more than I am ashamed of having a cold.

Sorry for the ramble on your thread Em. Became a bit stream of consciousness but I do think I am fumbling around the edge of an interesting concept, even if I can't clearly put it into words right now.


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