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Alone.

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby amaya » Sat Dec 16, 2017 9:29 pm

Wow that all sounds really great. So happy to hear everything is going so well. Just make sure you have time for you as well as everyone else.

Do you have some therapy in place or support for your mental health at the moment? It would be good to have that going too to protect you from having another bad patch.

It sounds like your mood is really good right now and it gave me such a good smile reading this :)

littleem
Posts: 330
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Sat Dec 16, 2017 9:45 pm

Hey Amaya.

Lovely to hear from you!

Yeah, I crash out in the evenings. I bought this electronic back and neck massager which is honestly the best thing I've ever bought hahaha! I have severe back pain and this new investment helps massively! I also use my train journeys to read new books and I try to chill and watch some TV at night but I'm usually flattened and asleep by 9pm haha!

I actually haven't been in touch with the CMHT. I find it very easy to distinguish between those who care and those who, well, don't. The MH team have been an absolute joke and have only ever made things worse for me and not better. I'm done. I don't want to work with people who I have to make care about helping me. I just can't trust them or connect with them anymore. I've been in touch with my private therapist and we're planning to do weekly sessions again in the new year.

I kind of feel like I can't be bothered with therapy. I don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I can't be bothered with it if I'm totally honest.

My mood is good! The meds make me feel like I'm in a bubble or a daze. I feel detached and like I'm flitting through the motions. It must be a side effect of the medication, but it's enabling me to cope and function so I'm happy with that!

How are you doing?

Em x

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby amaya » Sat Dec 16, 2017 10:31 pm

Hiya, it is always lovely to hear from you too :)

Glad you are able to crash and chill. I wish I could sleep by 9.. can you teach me how?? haha

I get the struggle with the CMHT.. if you need them in the future it is worth asking for different workers if the ones you have you can't connect with. But right now if you are going private and you can manage that, then hey.. whatever works is good :)

"I kind of feel like I can't be bothered with therapy. I don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I can't be bothered with it if I'm totally honest."
I get this. You are doing so much better and it is hard to look at issues you had recently if they are not having such a negative impact right now. It may even seem pointless. But one thing I learnt about myself from looking back over my life, is that mental health struggles can have a bit of a cycle. There is a crisis when you know you need help, and then when you are doing okay again you can kinda think that you don't need the help, but you are possibly still vulnerable to triggers that will bring you back to a crisis. I would do the work with yourself now while you are still aware of how easily you can get to a low point. Right now you are in a place of positivity and strength and you could do some really great work with yourself with a therapist to make sure you never had a crisis again. It wouldn't be feeling sorry for yourself or focusing on the negatives.. it would be building superEm! Unstoppable Em!

"My mood is good! The meds make me feel like I'm in a bubble or a daze. I feel detached and like I'm flitting through the motions. It must be a side effect of the medication, but it's enabling me to cope and function so I'm happy with that!"
It sounds nice actually. Sounds like a great tool for getting you forwards in life. Keep going with being you :)

How is your relationship to food since you started working? Do you eat together with coworkers?

"How are you doing?"
I am struggling but doing way better than I was. You can read all about it in my thread if you have a bit of time. I have posted quite a lot there. Just been given a diagnosis and turned down for treatment. So now I am waiting until early januari to find out what the next step is. Apparently I have to have treatment for trauma first, not the personality disorders. That was the short version of my story :)

I am also having the feeling of being fed up with the whole process, fed up with having no money and wishing I could just go and get a job and get on with life. But my advice for you comes out of my own experience.. I know if I don't follow the process through to the end this time and get some real indepth treatment, I know there will be another crisis in the years to come and I don't want it any more. Now I am fighting for total understanding of myself and a total recovery. No more backwards only forwards :)

Enjoy the rest of your weekend xx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1128
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Dec 17, 2017 11:32 pm

Hi lovely Em!

Great to hear from you. Don't worry about late replies, just chuffed you are building a life for yourself outside of Mental Health World (we really must build that theme park).

So glad the job is going so well. You are right, if the odd person is a bit of a misery that is their problem not yours.

The flatshare and chaplaincy sound like a great way to kick off your social life.

The volunteering sounds good too but I hope you remember where the brakes are and are not taking on too much. I also think there is a lot of truth in what Amaya said about dealing with issues when you are in a good place to help prevent relapse but you know you best. All in all I am really happy to hear about the life you are building for yourself. You really are amazing.

How is the eating going?

I'm ok. The last week or so have been tough and it is all a bit two steps forward and one back at the moment but still progress! Stepping back and looking at how much my thinking, emotions and my life have improved makes me believe that there really is an end to this crap, that one day in the not too distant future I will be at peace with myself and be able to act in accordance with my needs, values and wants. Wow! That's massive for me. :)

Glad you liked the Tim Burton stuff. Local cinema has a Burton season on and were displaying original artwork from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Soz the picture of the Emily model was blurry, if I go back again soon I'll take more pics.

Bye for now my tough, resilient, motivated, all round amazing and wonderful friend Em!

Me
xxx

littleem
Posts: 330
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Tue Dec 19, 2017 11:37 am

Thanks guys.

Think the not wanting to access therapy was a protective tactic against getting hurt. Having to make people care plays on my insecurities of people not caring about me and me being worthless so if I reject people first I'm not the one who is being rejected.

My mother called the CMHT and they called me today. I actually really like my care coordinator and I'm meeting with her and the CBT therapist next Wednesday.

I just messed up and left work. My depression has felt so strong since I've been doing so well. I simply had to press the old self destruct button. I tried so hard to fight through it today but sometimes I just can't do it. I'm going home and straight to bed. Sometimes I need to cope by staying in bed.

The eating stuff is better than it was. I'm still stuck in the silent prison of anorexia. I am still lost in my own silent little world. I haven't gained any weight and still want to hold onto anorexia because without it I feel that I am worth nothing and that I have nothing other than being 'thin', even though I don't feel thin despite others making comments about my skeletal state. But I'm not getting worse. I can't because that means a tube and such which I don't want again. Gaining the weight would make me feel worse too but staying the same isn't great either. So it's like I'm trapped but I won't have to think about any of this for the rest of the day because I'll be asleep.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1128
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Dec 19, 2017 2:08 pm

Hi Em

Sorry to hear how things are today but we are all allowed bad spells and everyone on the planet makes lots of mistakes at work. Doesn't make you any less amazing. Just makes you a normal human being.

I'm going though a particularly bad patch there but I've made sure my boss is aware and he is being really helpful, giving me time and space when I need it. Have you spoken to your boss?

That's great insight about why you are avoiding therapy. It is a really common scenario for those of us with fears of rejection. Glad you are committing to moving forward with the CMHT.

What you said about the depression being really strong right now sounds similar to my experiences. The part of me which values emotional safety above all is being challenged so is in a bit of a panic and pulling out all the old tricks to stay 'safe'. It thinks it is helping. Sound familiar?

At least the is some improvement with eating and you are not losing weight.

All the work you are doing WILL pay off but it will take time. Slow and steady wins the race.
It sounds like you are able to focus on and enjoy each small improvement and getting on with your life rather than going with the all or nothing approach of everything being crap unless it is perfect. Well done you!

Sleep is the great healer. Enjoy it.
xxx

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby amaya » Tue Dec 19, 2017 9:03 pm

"Think the not wanting to access therapy was a protective tactic against getting hurt. Having to make people care plays on my insecurities of people not caring about me and me being worthless so if I reject people first I'm not the one who is being rejected."
I think this is positive for two reasons. One is you are loving yourself by trying to protect yourself. Even if it was not helping, the instinct speaks of self love and so you should not give yourself a hard time about being this way.. just maybe try to teach the instinct to express itself in a different way. The second reason is that you know it. This kind of insight into your own behaviour patterns is exactly why when you do have therapy you will be good at making it work for you.

"My mother called the CMHT and they called me today. I actually really like my care coordinator and I'm meeting with her and the CBT therapist next Wednesday."
This is awesome news. Don't be afraid to tell them how much support you want and need and how you feel scared to ask for it because of the above and tell them you really hope you won't be let down because you know you really need the support. Use your vulnerabilty to get what you need from them. You deserve it. It is scary, but at the other end of this road is an Em who is winning :)

"I just messed up and left work."
This isn't messing up. This is walking away when things are too much and that is okay. If I have a migraine I have to leave work because the lights are too bright. It is the same.

It is okay to have a difficult day or week. Especially after how much you have been through. Also depression is very much a physical illness and because of the anorexia your body is fighting an uphill battle every day. You are actually doing totally awesome with everything and slumps are to be expected as part of your recovery. A bed day is no bad thing.

It's good that you don't think about it too much. Just do what you need to to get through your days, enjoy what you can and let yourself feel low if that is what you feel. It is all okay, happy or unhappy, you are still awesome Em. The hard work is for therapy, not for you to struggle through alone x

I hope you are having lovely dreams :)

littleem
Posts: 330
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Wed Dec 20, 2017 10:12 am

Hey guys.

Thanks for saying nice things. Sometimes a kick up the bony bot is more what I need though.

I realised why it is that I leave work when I become overwhelmed - I can't allow myself to reveal weaknesses and failures to others. I leave the situation immediately to prevent the possibility of a frustrated sigh or negative comment being made towards me from another colleague. I'm okay when I'm the person who makes everyone in the office laugh and who works 50 hour weeks and takes on loads of responsibilities..... But being able to do all that exhausts me and when I feel I'm not able to cope I GO GO GO! I don't want others to think I'm crap. I just don't have the self esteem for it.

It's why Im holding onto my anorexia. It makes me feel that at least I have this. It's like a possession almost. It's a protection from being rejected.

I'm not as bad though and I cant go back to how I behaved pre-hospital admission. I've lost weight without trying just because of doing too much at work but I'm paying for it now feeling dizzy and exhausted.

I didn't disclose my MH problems to my employers. I thought it would prevent me from getting the job.

What a moany post! Sorry all xxx

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby amaya » Wed Dec 20, 2017 11:04 am

Hiya :)

I don't think you do need a kick, I think you need more kindness and I think you are being harsh on yourself to perform at a certain level all the time. No one can do that, everyone has good days and bad days. You are allowed too!

Lots of people go to work and can't function at normal levels.. they whinge about it, groan, stay at work and do half as much as usual but drink twice as much coffee, but still get paid. Then on another day they are back to normal again. It is okay to do this. It is human.

I've seen how kind you are to others.. and I don't think you would give a coworker a hard time for having a bad day, so why is it acceptable for someone else and not for you?

Also, I know how you are with everything you do.. so what you give with 50% is probably the same as someone else's best day!

"I can't allow myself to reveal weaknesses and failures to others. I leave the situation immediately to prevent the possibility of a frustrated sigh or negative comment being made towards me from another colleague."
Maybe if you let a few groans out from time to time it wouldn't build up to the point where you couldn't go on anymore. Because by keeping it all in and showing nothing at all that you have decided could possibly be seen as negative, the feelings you have that started off totally normal daily reactions that everyone has.. these grow and grow until they are monsters big enough to eat you in one bite.

"I'm okay when I'm the person who makes everyone in the office laugh and who works 50 hour weeks and takes on loads of responsibilities..... But being able to do all that exhausts me and when I feel I'm not able to cope I GO GO GO!"
How about being the worker who works 35-40 hour weeks every week. And on the good weeks you don't do extra so that when a bad week comes you can still pull through because you have that little bit extra energy?

"I don't want others to think I'm crap. I just don't have the self esteem for it."
You aren't crap. You are awesome. I think when we feel low about ourselves and we judge ourselves harshly we have the expectation that others will do the same. But most of the time that is not true. Usually people are harsh on themselves and kind to others. If someone ever is actually harsh to you then you don't have to care what they think anymore because they are not someone you want in your life anymore.

"It's why Im holding onto my anorexia. It makes me feel that at least I have this. It's like a possession almost. It's a protection from being rejected."
I don't know if you ever read The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. But there is one part of that story that has stayed with me since I first read it. The prophet can finally go home and that is what he wants.. but he is finding it hard to leave his pain behind because he has been living it for such a long time:
"Almustafa, the chosen and the beloved, who was a dawn onto his own day, had waited twelve years in the city of Orphalese for his ship that was to return and bear him back to the isle of his birth.
And in the twelfth year, on the seventh day of Ielool, the month of reaping, he climbed the hill without the city walls and looked seaward; and he beheld the ship coming with the mist.
Then the gates of his heart were flung open, and his joy flew far over the sea. And he closed his eyes and prayed in the silences of his soul.
But as he descended the hill, a sadness came upon him, and he thought in his heart:
How shall I go in peace and without sorrow? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this city.
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?
Too many fragments of the spirit have I scattered in these streets, and too many are the children of my longing that walk naked among these hills, and I cannot withdraw from them without a burden and an ache.
It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands.
Nor is it a thought I leave behind me, but a heart made sweet with hunger and with thirst.
Yet I cannot tarry longer.
The sea that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark.
For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in a mould.
Fain would I take with me all that is here. But how shall I?
A voice cannot carry the tongue and the lips that give it wings. Alone must it seek the ether.
And alone and without his nest shall the eagle fly across the sun."
Whenever I start to think about getting better or moving on in life.. this comes back into my mind. I thought maybe it would be something I could share with you.

You are making progress. Everything you are feeling is normal and acceptable. Just remember to be kind to yourself for all of it, who you were, are and will be.

Here is an interesting article in the Guardian over whether or not to disclose mental health issues at work:
https://www.theguardian.com/careers/car ... th-at-work
For me the key points were that it is always your choice. Maybe something to get some advice on from the CMHT or CAB or whoever you can talk these things through with.
And the point made there was:
"would you want to work for someone who does not understand – and refuses to entertain the idea of - an employee with a common health complaint?"

Your post was not moany, and even if it was that would also be okay! :) We won't think bad of you here so you never have to worry about that again. Give yourself permission to feel how you feel. Because actually you don't have a choice so you are using a lot of energy wishing you felt another way when you can't. You can only decide what to do next. And for that you can trust your own instincts.

I'm sure you are going to have lots of good and bad days all mixed up for a long time. I am too and it is horrible swinging between feeling good and functioning and then crashing back down. But I am sure the answer for us both has something to do with accepting ourselves.

littleem
Posts: 330
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Wed Dec 20, 2017 8:32 pm

Thanks for sharing all of that Amaya.

Looks like I've lost the job anyways. I told the manager everything. She wished I had done so previously and said I had put her in a very difficult situation and had let them down at the most difficult time of the year! They may consider part time hours (I was told I would work 40 and not 50+!) or otherwise I could volunteer there. Volunteering would take the pressure off massively, would enable me to branch out into different areas of the services and would enable me to do shorter hours or miss a day if I felt I was struggling mentally or physically. But money doesn't grow on trees obviously.

Part of me doesn't give a sh*t and is relieved that I proved a point and don't have to go back there and exert myself to exhaustion, another part of me is p*ssed off at myself for allowing this to happen and annoyed at the person I've become, a further part is accepting of my inability to sustain constant success and achieve perfection, and the final part is proud of myself for coming further than I would have last year and for all that I achieved whilst at this job.

Anorexia-wise, I want to be thin. I want to be painfully thin and there are times when I wish I would collapse and disappear. I know that's a bit sick but it's the truth and nobody knows that. I guess that's why I feel free to flit and don't care, because in all honestly I don't even want to be here.

But I am. So.

I get on with things as I always ever do.


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