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Alone.

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
littleem
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Thu Nov 23, 2017 10:50 pm

Evenin' !

Wow. What a lovely thing to say! I'm glad to have helped in my own crazy Jaffa cake way!

Thank you for being such a lovely, kind encouragement to me throughout all this time.

Hope you've managed to get some rest and that you're feeling a bit brighter tonight. Keep going forward.

I've had a lovely day today but my mood is flat since meeting with a friend. She's the one I've talked about before who was a bit flaky and such. I don't have any social anxiety and it was nice to chat with someone as friends but I felt a bit detached. We're in completely different worlds right now. I don't desire or envy what she has that I don't and I don't feel inferior to her or or insecure about my situation around her. Nor does she make me feel this way. But I do feel a sense of sadness. Sadness at the time that's been lost and sadness at how things have turned out. Our connection goes back to being friends at school at a time when I was very happy. I miss that time and the other times of happiness and feel a sense of sadness at the loss. But I should focus on being grateful for those happy times, which I am!!

I have a weird mood tonight. Flat. I can sit still here and just feel absolutely nothing at all. I feel that I could stay this way for ages too, just staring and thinking of nothing. Have you ever felt like that?

Anyways, enough of that. Don't worry, be happy, and all that!

Speak soon my good friend!

Em xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 958
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Nov 25, 2017 12:29 am

Hi Em!

I'm glad you had a good day and I'm glad you can feel and accept the sadness. In the temporary way before distraction that you outlined to me.

I have a weird mood tonight. Flat. I can sit still here and just feel absolutely nothing at all. I feel that I could stay this way for ages too, just staring and thinking of nothing. Have you ever felt like that?
Yep. It's called depression ;) but at least it sounds like your mood is improving.

I have been complying with my nutrition unsupervised and taking responsibility for my own recovery. The fact that I've been independently choosing to take in nourishment because I want to go forwards in life and be able to DO things rather than going backwards with my friend tubey getting nowhere shows a real shift in me. It shows that I do care about myself and that I do want to get well, despite it feeling scary sometimes.
That is so fabulous to read! Happy for you!

Love the reindeer food! Sounds like the fete is going to be fab. Good luck with the farmers market and good look on Monday too. I'm knackered again but I'm pleased to say work is going so much better since I started using you as inspiration, another good day.

There is yet more I want to say after reading your last couple of posts but tired now, another day.

BTW. Slightly worried I imagined seeing another post from you today which has since disappeared? Seriously, I would like to know if one was deleted or if I have slipped back into seeing stuff. I do need an honest answer.

Cheers!

xxx

amaya
Posts: 610
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby amaya » Sun Nov 26, 2017 12:21 am

It can be normal to feel detached from people who are not sharing your life experiences. If you find more things to do together you will feel more connected again and that will probably go back and forth throughout your lives if you stay friends. After all the changes in life I think those times when you feel at a distance for a time are normal.

Feeling numb is something I never had. I am always riding some crazy emotional wave or another, good or bad. It almost sounds nice but I imagine it isn't really. I heard that it is something you can have with various mental health issues like depression. And that maybe it has to do with detaching when things are overwhelming, like a self protective function. But whatever you are feeling it is okay. Because you are feeling it. That's what my mindfulness book says.

I hope you are having a good weekend x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 958
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Nov 26, 2017 1:10 am

Hi Ermie!

Message continued...

The dietitian sounds great, glad you have found help which suits you. As for fishface... if you see her again give her a lovely big smile and say how much better you are doing with compassionate, positive people around you :twisted: So glad you will soon get the psychological support that you need and deserve.

I'm struggling silently with difficult thoughts around weight and eating but I don't make a scene of things and get on with it. Everybody has issues and insecurities and this happens to be mine. Big whoop. I've accepted it and I'm not embarrassed or anything. I'm trying to sit with the negative feelings I get around food and figure out exactly what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. I've been through recovery before and so I know what to do to get well. No point crying over spilt supplement drinks. Hehe!
That is so, so positive! You are recognising the problem but not obsessing on it or letting it take control, fantastic!

I'm still struggling to see the severity of the anorexia. I'm convinced I'm fiiiiiiine now and that I'm not anorexic anymore. I know that's just another weird symptom of the illness though. My mother helps to give me reality checks though!
It is so hopeful that you (with a bit of help from your mum!) can see the illness spinning its web around your thoughts. It shows that you are on the right path. Well done you!

Flakey friend and feeling flat. It must feel so strange but there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. You feel what you feel. I was a bit flippant about it before because I know that feeling well. I suspect Amaya is on the right track when she says it is a protective thing. From what you have said, seeing your friend stirred up some deep emotions. You are already dealing with so much that the 'flatness' may just be your brain saying 'enough, let's just take a little break from life's stresses.' It is certainly how I feel after a stressful day. It is nothing to worry about and will reduce as you get stronger and more engaged with life.

! I also realised recently just how low both my self esteem and confidence still are!
Poor Em! It's a horrible way to feel. If only you could see yourself through my eyes.

Ah! so there are more people in your town than pensioners! :D Glad to hear it! Sunny days, busy promenade, nice.

Sorry to hear about the headaches and dizziness and that you are still struggling with food but overall it sounds like you are making real progress and that makes me happy.

I really was tired in my last post, I wished you 'look' for the job on Monday. I'll take this opportunity to wish you luck instead. :)

Let me know if the farmers market looks like a good opportunity, let me know about the job and the fete. Actually, just keep me updated on everything Em! :D I always enjoy reading your posts.

Bye for now my lovely, warm, compassionate, creative, capable, determined, inspiring, fun and deeply worthwhile friend Emily. Your light shines brighter than you know.

xxx

littleem
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:03 pm

Hey Amaya!

Thanks for your message. A lot of what you said really made sense to me and helped a lot.

I like the idea of feelings being okay because we're feeling them. I'll definitely remember to tell myself that. Thanks for sharing that.

You're right about my friend. Things are different because our lives are so different. I guess if I had more, ahem, 'other', friends then I wouldn't be so focused on this particular friendship feeling distant. Still, it's nice to have someone my own age to go for coffee with or whatever so I'm not complaining.

How are you doing?

littleem
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:21 pm

Hey ATTMP!

How are you doing? How was your weekend? I hope you got some time to rest and that you're not feeling so tired now.

That's so sweet that you use me as inspiration! You're such a fabulous force of positivity and encouragement for me. Thank you for all your kindness these last months.

I will be honest with you, I did only write one post. Perhaps you're just over-tired and over-thinking things? I do hope you can take some time for you. How is work going today?

Hahaha the Farmers Market! Classic derelict town. It was dead. An embarrassingly poor attempt at the decrepit running the crappest boot sale known to man. I'll stick to the one a little further away who have already said I can sell there. It's in a lovely market town where people tend to spend way more than necessary just to show they can. You're probably thinking 'Em, where the hell do you live exactly?!' Haha!

So excited for the fete tomorrow! I made seventy hot chocolate stirrers over the weekend using my supplement drink lids as moulds! Made lots of different flavours - chocolate fudge brownie, toblerone, white chocolate and peanut butter, white chocolate and strawberry shortcake, chocolate orange and popping candy, rocky road, and chocolate caramel latte. All my favourite foods. Obvz. I also made jars of Christmas recipes and Christmas 20 questions and made up some more bags of reindeer food. Productive!

Just going home to complete the finishing touches. I'm also selling at my Church fete on 9th December. My brother has kept ne lots of empty beer bottles too that I'm already thinking of using to fill with homemade coffee syrups and ketchups for this fete!

Job interview went really well! I really do hope I get it! I will know if I'm successful later today.

I coped really well alone at the weekend. Ate all my food and supplements, got up and out every day and had no anxiety. Could see clearly how far I have come!

The mood.... I think the increase in AD meds will help. I'm doing everything I should be but I need that extra lift so I think it's tablet related here. The pills have really helped me so far! I'm seeing the GP on Wednesday.

Much love from the town of tumbleweeds, sporadically booming promenades, antique markets run by werthers-originals-fueled elderly folk and the Jaffa Cake Factory Head Quarters.

Em-Bellina Ballerina xxx

Job interview went really well! I really do hope I get it!!

amaya
Posts: 610
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby amaya » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:14 pm

Hello :)

Glad what I said made sense, it doesn't always haha

You will reinforce your old friendships and build new ones because you are someone that someone else would want to be friends with ..it will just take time, and more of it when you have to spend so much energy on your own life right now. But don't worry about it feeling distant now because it won't always be like that for you, you are too friendly and sparkley x

I am really struggling, but I feel like I am starting to win the struggle so that is good. I have probably typed a novel in my own thread since you last had time to read!

What is happening this week? I was going to ask whether you had a restful weekend and then I read your second post and saw how much you had been doing haha. So pleased to hear you are doing better :) I hope you get your job x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 958
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Mon Nov 27, 2017 6:21 pm

Hi Embers (thought I'd add a seasonal flavour)

Thanks for telling me it was only one post, good to know. It will be the usual 4 hrs sleep, stress of work and stress at seeing the therapist today that set my imagination loose. It's nothing I'm either worried about or ashamed of.

My weekend was quiet, intended to study, only managed about 4 hours :( . Work and study generally going well. On course to achieve what I set out to and doing amazingly well considering I do it all on four or five hours sleep weeknights plus find time to address the MH stuff. :) Wish I had more time to go to the theatre and whatnot but needs must as the devil drives (what a strange saying).

I'm glad I am a force of positivity and encouragement. I mean every word too. Our mutual appreciation society seems to do us both a lot of good.

Loving the creativity, supplement drink lids as moulds and all, maybe for every ten of an item you sell you can eat one? ;) Don't eat the quiz questions obviously :ugeek:

Love the image of a derelict car boot sale for the decrepit. :lol: Was it run by a really skinny old fella smoking a rollup through his nicotine stained white beard while wearing fingerless gloves? Sort of a Tim Burtonesque Santa?

It's in a lovely market town where people tend to spend way more than necessary just to show they can.
That sounds perfect! Make a fortune there!

I know where you live. It is clearly the set of Dads Army after an invasion by the cast of Last of the Summer Wine.
I coped really well alone at the weekend. Ate all my food and supplements, got up and out every day and had no anxiety. Could see clearly how far I have come!
FABULOUS! 8-) You are doing an amazing job!

The mood.... I think the increase in AD meds will help. I'm doing everything I should be but I need that extra lift so I think it's tablet related here.
You and me both, seeing mine on Friday but I suspect she will order more blood tests and ask me to come back. Really hope my liver is ready to cope with something a bit more effective for the depression. Therapist gave me some good ideas for moving forward today too. Definitely be giving them a try.

Glad the interview went well. Got all my fingers and toes crossed for you. Good luck tomorrow!

Much love and adoration
xxx

littleem
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Mon Nov 27, 2017 11:06 pm

Thanks Amaya,

Hehe sparkly. I like that. I am pretty sparkly!

Sorry to hear you're struggling. I will check in on your post soon. Hope you're okay.

Busy week ahead! Fete tomorrow, doctors appointment Wednesday followed by a trial shift at the homeless hostel to start me off!

What about yourself?

Em xx

littleem
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Mon Nov 27, 2017 11:47 pm

Hey there!

Ohh... How come you're getting so little sleep?

You've mentioned quite a few times that work is a stress factor. What is it exactly about work that is stressful for you? Is there a way you could reduce this stress to make things feel more manageable and balanced?

It's great to hear you're doing amazingly well AND even better to see YOU acknowledging that you're doing amazingly well! You should be so proud of yourself. I'm proud of you! What are you studying?

Sorry to hear you felt stressed about therapy today but I'm glad to hear your therapist gave you some encouragement and ideas on how to move forward. How focused you are on improving your MH is really inspiring.

Could you perhaps look to plan some fun activities like the theatre in the near future? Life sounds very busy for you right now but it's still important you do things you enjoy for you! You deserve it!!

Thanks for giving me some giggles in your post haha!!

All the very best with your GP appointment this week. I hope your liver is okay! And I hope you can find the right meds and dosage to help your mood.

You know, I don't think anything was ever wrong with my kidneys after all. The hospital staff or the GP have never expressed concern about this. Only that stupid, ignorant old trout with no medical knowledge whatsoever expressed any concern about this.

I should know Wednesday when the the therapy will start. I won't hold my breath though.

I have a trial shift on Wednesday at the homeless hostel!!! If all goes well and I like it (I'm 99.9% sure I will!), I can start full time straight away! It's meaningful work helping those who are really most in need (it helps the most vulnerable and is the only hostel in the city that accommodates drug addicts and alcoholics for example. It can be very challenging and volatile there.) When they gave me a tour today, they smiled at me and said You're not fazed at all, are you? I totally wasn't! I'm really proud of myself for getting this far in the application process, especially considering I had a tube up my nose just four weeks ago!

Excited for my fete tomorrow! I will let you know how it goes! I will definitely stick to the other market, too haha! I will send then photos of all my produce tomorrow and then when I get time to sit down and sort it out I will either upload the pics here or will send them to the email you gave me before if I fail at technology haha! You will receive these photos before I hit the age that I'm no longer a youthful outsider in my decrepit, dusty old town!

Keep me posted!!!

Embers xxx


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