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Alone.

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
littleem
Posts: 338
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Alone.

Postby littleem » Thu Sep 07, 2017 8:37 pm

I feel really alone and disconnected. I always surround myself with others because this makes me feel safer and more reassured. But even if I'm doing 'fun' things with the people I love the most, I STILL don't experience real and genuine fun and I still feel detached and lonely...

It's worse in the evenings.

I can't actually BE alone. I feel uneasy and scared. So I always have family around me. So, I KNOW it's therefore BETTER for me to be with others than to be alone. Whilst I don't feel 'good', I CAN feel better than worse!

I find that online support forums and online support groups and email helplines really help me because I can speak to people who 'get it'.

Are there any other ways I could reach out to others who 'get' where I'm at? I think this might be why I feel so disconnected from even my family.

Any tips or experiences much appreciated.

Thanks!

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1226
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Sep 07, 2017 10:40 pm

HI Em!

Poor you. I take it the support groups weren't right for you? Are there any informal groups near you that are more fun and friendship based? If it helps you can chat to me anytime. I 'get' so many mental health problems that I'm surprised I can still post cogently :lol: It also makes me deeply proud of how far I have come. Almost as proud as I am of you.

I CAN feel better than worse!
That is a great realisation which is more difficult to achieve than you may believe. Give yourself a pat on the back!

Take care my friend
xxx

littleem
Posts: 338
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Fri Sep 08, 2017 5:17 pm

Hey :)

It's tricky. Kind of like a catch 22 situation because whilst I feel bored and lonely no matter what I do and even when I'm with others and whilst I lack motivation to do things, if I do nothing my depression gets worse. :?

Two of the groups weren't for me, no. There's an eating disorder one twice a month. I don't really want to go though because I would rather go for a depression-related one. Mind run a group twice a week and most people are under 26 (good for young me! ;) ) I've had an assessment there twice but have missed it TWICE because I've had a bad day with the depression. I want to just go to The Mind Centre when I'm in a good mood rather than having to go for a set time, does that make sense? I've also been able to arrange transport to get there so it's achievable now.

I really want to try the ED one THIS Monday and then the one in Mind on the Tuesday. I'm determined to achieve this goal!! Then I'll let you know what they were like!

On Monday, I'm going to a community garden project my therapist told me about. It's run by a charity specifically for people with MH problems. I'd be able to volunteer there, learn new skills, meet other people and be in a supportive environment. I feel really positive about it.

I'm also going to a college open evening on Tuesday night to see about a part time course in reflexology. The course starts in a couple of weeks and is just one night a week. Again, something completely different.

Sunday, I have a job interview. It's only part time - just two four hour shifts at the weekends.

That's most certainly enough to be getting on with for now. ;)

I am keeping busy and staying connected with others. I just don't 'feel' it. :?

Thanks though, talking to you really does help! :)

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1226
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:32 pm

Hi Em!

WOW! aren't you the busy but well paced bee! Mucho impressed.

Perhaps I just need to accept my need to still go through the motions and life even if I won't be able to 'feel' anything, in the hope that things will get better.
Got to be better than not trying and I've heard others say it worked for them.

That's most certainly enough to be getting on with for now.
Definitely! It all sounds great and I love the new balanced approach. You being you I half expected to hear you had decided to climb Everest, swim the Tiber and visit the International Space Station too ;)

Mind run a group twice a week and most people are under 26 (good for young me! ;) ) I've had an assessment there twice but have missed it TWICE because I've had a bad day with the depression. I want to just go to The Mind Centre when I'm in a good mood rather than having to go for a set time, does that make sense? I've also been able to arrange transport to get there so it's achievable now.
That sounds fantastic! It does make sense but getting through the door the first time is the hardest so maybe, perhaps, possibly, drag yourself there once whatever state you are in. Maybe get your mum to drag you to the car and shove you through the door before driving away. :lol:

I am keeping busy and staying connected with others. I just don't 'feel' it. :?

Crap isn't it. Poor you. In my experience that lack of feeling has three causes,

either because there is unprocessed emotion(s) I am desperate not to feel, recognise and accept.

or because my inner narrative is in the driving seat and I am so focused on yesterday or tomorrow and my negative interpretations and predictions that I have no attention left for today

or because I am absolutely focused on maintaining a mask in front of others and there is nothing of me left to actually enjoy their company.

If any of that rings a bell then ACT maybe very useful in dealing with it. Shame you didn't get much from the Mindfulness book. I got a lot from Mindfulness but maybe it was because I spent £££ on a course and I was determined to get my moneys worth :lol:

I think it is a great idea to try to find something good to focus on, to work towards, to hope for, in order to counterbalance any automatic negative predictions and self judgments. I'm searching for something similar myself and trying to visualise specific realistic & achievable. goals taking into account who I am and where I am right now, not the Mr Perfect I wish I was.

I was more than a little tipsy when I posted all those compliments yesterday ( pro tip: mixing lager, real ale and cocktails is a mistake :o ) but on reading them back I still think they are true. Who you are is more than good enough for the world and everyone in it.

Great to hear from you Em. Keep me posted! Talking to you really helps me too!

Bye for now my friend!
xxx

littleem
Posts: 338
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Mon Sep 11, 2017 6:07 pm

Hey there! :D

Yes, I have a much more balanced approach now. I've accepted my mental health problems and I'm trying to push myself when I know I need to be pushed, but without taking on too much. Gone are the days of 40-50 hour weeks in the restaurant kitchens. ;) I know I just can't do that anymore right now! But I'm also trying not to punish myself for the times when I don't go through with my plans. It's okay to change our minds sometimes. :)

Today, I went to the eco-therapy/horticulture project and (wait for it...!) LOVED IT! It honestly looked great! They have an art therapy class every Tuesday morning and a mindfulness class in the garden every Wednesday afternoon and Tuesday afternoons and Wednesday mornings they have a gardening project. They grow lots of different fruit, vegetables and herbs, and they also do woodwork... making bird houses and garden benches, things like that. The project co-ordinator was lovely and then I had a coffee with some of the service users who were all so welcoming and nice. I felt like I just fitted in. It was nice! They've also already put me down to do a horticulture qualification with them and I'm starting next Tuesday! :)

I went for the job interview yesterday. I was really proud of myself for motivating myself to get four buses in the torrential rain with an hour wait between buses (Ahhh.... the joys of public transport on a Sunday :lol: ) I should know tomorrow if I got it. The guy who interviewed me told me what I'd need to wear and asked if I could start straight away so that was promising though... ;)

I didn't go to the eating disorder support group tonight. That's the third time I've decided against it now so I think it just shows that deep-down I don't reeeeeally want to go. Besides, another torrential downpour has just this second commenced! :lol: I am instead using my daily online eating disorder support group though and also a group specifically for anorexia sufferers that follows it every Monday, which I find helpful and positive. So it's not avoidance! ;)

I am going to Mind tomorrow though! No official assessment booked, but I'll call before I leave to see if they can squash me in. If not, I'll just drop in anyways and hopefully I can stay for the depression support group. I think I'll actually really benefit from that.

I think I can't 'feel' anything because I'm looking inwards too much and I'm consumed by the fact that I'm depressed. My low mood is out of my control unfortunately and sometimes it completely takes over but I hope that I will start to again find some things that click and pull me out of it and into the moment. I've certainly started looking at least.

The OT just swung by, as negative as ever, and still prattling on about hospital. But I'm trying not to let her put a dampner on everything. I'm sure she doesn't go home and worry about me all the time so why should I spend my free time consumed by her and her hospital threats? Thankfully, I'm not seeing her until Friday but I have to get weighed Thursday so between now and then I'll stock up on the cheeseburgers. :lol:

I'm glad that you're continuing to make goals which are specifically realistic and achievable for YOU. Remember, nobody is Mr. Perfect.

Keep me posted on your life and how you're doing and what you've been up to! Always good to hear from you! Oh, and go easy on the cocktails. ;)

Em xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1226
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Mon Sep 11, 2017 10:54 pm

Wow again! Great news, put a massive smile on my face! :D The eco-therapy/horticulture project sounds fabulous. As for your private horticultural project with the pots, that isn't mid-life crisis at all. Mid-life crisis is when you have a bit of a breakdown and start chatting with young women on the net... Oh, wait a minute... :lol:

Well done for getting to the job interview. Fingers crossed.

But I'm also trying not to punish myself for the times when I don't go through with my plans. It's okay to change our minds sometimes. :)
You are absolutely right. I am always berating and punishing myself, I'm trying to follow your example with this and the pacing and realistic goals. As for the well meaning misery with the hospital fixation, you'll be right, yeah? Especially if you keep taking your brain food and stop KitKat smuggling ;) I think you are doing amazingly well.

My mood has jumped massively this evening. I tried laughter yoga earlier and it was great fun! I really enjoyed it when I thought I'd forgotten how to enjoy myself. I'll be going again!

Mmmmn, cheeseburgers... always best after a cocktail or three ;)

Take care Em. You keep me updated too! Always lovely to hear from you, rain or shine (inside and out).

xxx

EDIT: Nearly forgot. I have just seen an email from Amaya from DWD site which ended up in my junk account. I no longer have an account at DWD. If you still visit could you please message her to pass on my apologies for not responding sooner, tell her I post here and give her my gmail address, andthistoomustpass@gmail.com.

Thank you!

littleem
Posts: 338
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Wed Sep 13, 2017 7:06 pm

Hey! :)

Thanks for your message. Made me smile and gave me a good giggle! :lol:

Well done on setting realistic and achievable goals. Keep going strong - you're honestly doing fab! And don't be too hard on yourself. :) It's okay to have a bad day sometimes, remember.

Laughter yoga? Wow! Never heard of that! Sounds... a right laugh... ;) Well done for giving that a go! I want to try out yoga actually and some exercise classes, but I think I'd have to start chowing down the KitKats first before I suggest this to the OT. :lol: Really glad you're mood lifted.

I tried out the support group and the mental health activity drop in centre place. Both weren't for me for totally sensible and rational reasons (No excuses here, honest! And no avoidance either!) But, I was still really pleased that I went and tried them out anyways. It's always good to see what support helps us best as individuals. :)

I got the job! I start Friday morning! :)

Saw my care co-ordinator today and she reassured me about the whole hospital thing. She didn't understand why I was being threatened with hospital admission and feeding tubes. Turns out she has been having her own issues with the OT haha! I really like her and click with her which is great because the OT is a bloody nightmare three days a week haha! I haven't lost any more weight this week and my bloods aren't of concern (well done kidneys! ;) ) so I'm sure I won't be admitted any time soon.

Have a great rest of your week. I will certainly pass on the message to Amaya.

Take care of yourself. Focus on the small victories! :)

Byeeee xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1226
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Fri Sep 15, 2017 9:36 pm

Hi EM!

Congrats on the job. Hope today went well! Let me know.

A shame the groups weren't for you but GO EM! for trying. 8-) you are fast turning into my hero. You're right, if one activity ain't for you it ain't for you but I'm sure other stuff will be.

I'm glad you get on with your care co-ordinatior, the OT can go stick her head in a bucket :evil:

You are so right about not being hard on myself, at least I can tune into the constant negative narrative now. I'm trying to make friends with that part of me but it ain't easy. :cry:

Forget KitKats, for laughter yoga you need to pull out the big guns and inhale a whole pack of Jaffa cakes. ;) Made exercise fun :o , shame it isn't on so often, I could go with starting each day with a session. I was full of beans afterwards. :)

Thanks for playing messenger and please give your kidneys a friendly pat from me for doing so well.
Keep me updated on you and everything you!

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
xxx

deb1960
Posts: 1485
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby deb1960 » Sat Sep 16, 2017 6:14 pm

Hi Em

It's interesting reading your posts. I have to keep busy as when I'm alone I over think. Sometimes though I over do it. Because I'm afraid of giving in I can be too hard on myself and become exhausted.This has happened recently and I think it's contributed to another spell of anxiety.

Take care, Deb x

littleem
Posts: 338
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Sat Sep 16, 2017 6:52 pm

:D Hey ATTMP!!

Haha, thanks as always for the kind and hilarious words!

Jaffa cakes and laughter yoga.... What a way to start the day! Love that.

The OT stopped by yesterday and has decided to see me just once a week rather than three times now so that I feel less pressured, stressed and anxious! This was a real relief for me!

Thanks! The job went well thanks! Nice manager, got 100% on my induction tests and it seems a really easy place to work. Happy days.

Keep tuning in to the POSITIVE voice, go easy on yourself and have a great week. Keep me posted, obviously!

My very best regards to your liver. My kidneys say hey.

Ciao for now friend.

Em xxx


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