If anything has become clear over recent weeks it is that my life is far better with pills than without. Still feel rotten but I am managing it better than I was.
Not restarted meditating in any frequent or regular way but Amaya's advice helped me to remember the value of everyday mindful activities, to really see what is in front of me, to really feel the ground beneath my feet and the food in my mouth, to see the words on the computer screen. If my mind is full of the here and now then it is not full of yesterday and tomorrow, not full of negative beliefs, predictions and fear. Started using the Worrytime app again too. Free app which lets you write your worries down at any time but sets a specific time each day to access them and worry. With regular use you train your brain to worry much less at other times.
I am also ensuring balance between work and social activities and being more open. This is really important, as is sleep. Not touched alcohol since January, didn't drink much anyway. Caffeine is an occasional necessity not a habit, doing everything within my control but no instant cures, need to create habits, even though I hate habits and routine, hate feeling trapped.
Still overeating massively. Really need to rein this in to help reduce general aches and pains, the pains in my knees, the pain when walking and to feel better in general. Hell, really struggled just to put on socks this morning.
Besides, if my physical health improves I will be allowed head pills again.
In general I'm feeling really low and really scared. Successful at letting thoughts of suicide pass on by but they are more frequent all the same. Something fundamental has changed though. I really don't think I will make an attempt unless things became unimaginably worse. Suicide is on my mind but no longer feels like a realistic option. This is a good thing but adds to the feeling of being trapped.