Was planning a fun day today. Seems like ages since I've socialised.
Didn't make it out of the door. Bloody anxiety! Bloody depression!
I'm an extrovert who is scared of interacting with other people.
If one or the other isn't too bad I can always get out but at the moment both depression and anxiety are in full flow.
Spent a couple of hours thinking on this and finalised some mind maps setting out why I feel stuck and what I can do to move on.
All well and good jeered the depression but it is no good thinking and not acting. That thought is true enough but I wish I wasn't so hard on myself.
The positives are many. My emotions are unrepressed and reasonably stable.
The impulsiveness often takes control but nothing serious enough to have horrendous results. I have a sense of self and my self esteem inches upwards a little each week. I am aware of my thinking distortions and have them reasonably under control day to day. The depression, anxiety and self esteem are closely linked, address one and I address all. Now I am learning to accept my anxiety I see a clear path forward. I've come a very long way, I'm sure a few more steps are doable.
A couple of core beliefs about myself and others, plus lack of experience at accepting fear and discomfort are the remaining key factors. Never had to face discomfort before, I used to find everything so distressing that discomfort never got a look in.
CBT, experiences and analytic therapy haven't shifted the core beliefs. Toying with the idea of hypnotherapy. Expensive but worth a try. Just need to find the motivation to follow up on the idea. Who knows, maybe I'll be lucky and new GP will prescribe a magic pill to counter the depression. That does happen for some people who have had these issues for years, I met one a little while ago. Good bit of hope. Still trying to move on with ACT. I have internalised some of the basics but am know where near finishing the book I am working from. Focussing on my MH issues and, to some extent, the idea of recovery are both very discomforting but I want to crack on.
Thanks for reading.