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Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1308
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:40 pm

Was planning a fun day today. Seems like ages since I've socialised.

Didn't make it out of the door. Bloody anxiety! Bloody depression!
I'm an extrovert who is scared of interacting with other people. :lol:
If one or the other isn't too bad I can always get out but at the moment both depression and anxiety are in full flow.

Spent a couple of hours thinking on this and finalised some mind maps setting out why I feel stuck and what I can do to move on.

All well and good jeered the depression but it is no good thinking and not acting. That thought is true enough but I wish I wasn't so hard on myself.

The positives are many. My emotions are unrepressed and reasonably stable.
The impulsiveness often takes control but nothing serious enough to have horrendous results. I have a sense of self and my self esteem inches upwards a little each week. I am aware of my thinking distortions and have them reasonably under control day to day. The depression, anxiety and self esteem are closely linked, address one and I address all. Now I am learning to accept my anxiety I see a clear path forward. I've come a very long way, I'm sure a few more steps are doable.

A couple of core beliefs about myself and others, plus lack of experience at accepting fear and discomfort are the remaining key factors. Never had to face discomfort before, I used to find everything so distressing that discomfort never got a look in. :D

CBT, experiences and analytic therapy haven't shifted the core beliefs. Toying with the idea of hypnotherapy. Expensive but worth a try. Just need to find the motivation to follow up on the idea. Who knows, maybe I'll be lucky and new GP will prescribe a magic pill to counter the depression. That does happen for some people who have had these issues for years, I met one a little while ago. Good bit of hope. Still trying to move on with ACT. I have internalised some of the basics but am know where near finishing the book I am working from. Focussing on my MH issues and, to some extent, the idea of recovery are both very discomforting but I want to crack on.

Fingers crossed.

Thanks for reading.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1308
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Jan 30, 2018 9:05 pm

I just read a thread in the Safe room. 'When depression is unacceptable'. It made me think of an alternate, when my depression and anxiety is unacceptable to me.
If anyone had the experiences I had then they would have been seriously affected. Hell, treating an adult like that would lead to immense trauma. I once happened across some information on psychological warfare and how to break down prisoners of war, destroy their sense of self, leave them broken. A lot of it was familiar. Why should I feel guilty, ashamed or not good enough for simply being human, for reacting as human beings may well do to a given set of stimuli?

Maybe this thought is the start of self validation and self compassion? I hope so although, even as I type this, I can feel the dissenting thoughts rising. Seeking to hide the vulnerability, seeking to blame myself for not being perfect. I am good enough as I am! I am entitled to be me. Not perfect, not worthless, not a burden, simply a human being living his life as best he can, same as everyone else.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1308
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Fri Feb 02, 2018 10:31 am

Interesting...

Over the last few weeks I have created and refined a full mind map of my key issues. It forced me to think a lot, particularly about the mask I show myself, the self-bullying narrative. I am wearing that mask a lot less. The bullying voice seems to have reduced, and I may even be feeling something along the lines of self acceptance. I.plan to maintain awareness of when I am putting the mask on. I hope this feeling grows.

deb1960
Posts: 1570
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby deb1960 » Sat Feb 03, 2018 11:57 am

You constantly work to improve your health. I am thinking it was your childhood that was so bad. Is that right?

Take care, I'm sorry this isn't much of a post, it's more a brief hello.
Deb x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1308
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Mon Feb 05, 2018 12:19 am

Hi Deb

Thanks for asking.

Yep, my childhood was crap but many others have experienced similar or worse. If a sensitive child grows up in a stressful environment with a crap family then it is not going to be good news for anyone.

I have to admit to being a little envious of posters whose problems onset in adulthood. Not that I believe my illness or suffering is worse than theirs but because I suspect that if you have experienced life differently at least then you would have something to hope for, a target to aim at. Maybe I am wrong but it is how it seems to me.
Last edited by andthistoomustpass on Mon Feb 05, 2018 12:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1308
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Mon Feb 05, 2018 12:33 am

Diary Entry

Well. The last two entries were hopeful and I have felt improvements.
The depression and anxiety are still bad and, aside from work, I have not socialised in a few weeks. This is the second weekend in a row I have spent on the sofa with the door firmly locked, hiding from stress. I am feeling improvements but they are not manifesting in my behaviour. I probably need to give it more time and keep observing myself.

Had another check on a physical problem this week. No more pills for me for the forseeable because the secondary impact may cause serious physical harm. :(

If I keep feeling this bad then I will try to explain to my new GP that it is pointless worrying about my physical health if I don't want to live, that pills are a risk worth taking, the alternative isn't an option. If that doesn't work maybe I could find the meds on the web if I look hard enough. Would just have to hope I can find them and that they are not counterfeit.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1308
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:47 pm

Reminder to self

If work is stressful, feeling not good enough and obsessing, devoting ever more time and energy to it like a hamster in a wheel does not help. It just makes the stress worse, and like the hamster, you are not really getting anywhere. The answer is to step back, balance your week with other activities. Give your mind plenty of other stuff to think about. This will reduce the work related stress, reduce the anxiety and make you more efficient when you are at work. :D

deb1960
Posts: 1570
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby deb1960 » Thu Feb 08, 2018 7:04 pm

I hope you remember this for next time andthistoo

Deb x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1308
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Fri Feb 09, 2018 11:22 am

Thanks Deb.
x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1308
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Feb 11, 2018 1:38 am

Well... Depression is still fairly horrendous.

Seems to me that one of the pillars of the depression is my inability to hope for a better future, having nothing to balance out the fear.

I can't picture a better future for the following reasons;

Embedded behaviour of resistance to hope, If you have hope you have something that can be taken away, safer not to hope.
Negative views of myself and others lead to catastrophic thinking and negative predictions.
No experience of living without depression and anxiety, it is an unknown quantity.

Addressing the above seems to be important but sometimes I am not sure if all this self analysis is just busy-work. Something to focus on and feel that I am addressing my issues when, in fact, my emotional problems may be brain-structural or chemical and no amount of changing or accepting thoughts and feelings will help. I really don't know.

What I do know is that I do not want to continue living like this. I will keep trying and bottom out anything that may help but there will come a point when I will have to take stock and decide if I want to continue living. It will be a minimum of 12 months before I start thinking about that in earnest but the fact that thought is lurking just below my conscious mind is probably also contributing to the lack of hope for the future, contributing to the depression.


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